Conflict Resolution

Last week I took a parenting class to learn how to help children resolve their conflicts.

conflict drama and trauma

• Have them sit down together.
• One child holds the "talking feather" and gets to talk about how they feel and what they want.
• The other child then holds the "talking feather" to respond and talk about what they are feeling. 
• Each child is asked to tell the other that they heard them and tell them what they heard them say.
• They are then asked to think of something to do to make the other child feel better. 
• No one can leave until the process is done.

While a bit time consuming - my girls always seem to breakdown when time is critical - it does work. I watched Amelia get KP a tissue and help her wipe her tears to make her feel better. I heard KP tell her sister that she was really sorry and would share better next time. It wasn't a perfunctory apology - she seemed to really mean it.

I think it is important that, as mothers, we teach our children respect and how to get along in an unfair world. And I'm watching with dismay how we resolve conflicts as grownups.

1. When some of our neighbors didn't agree with our community garden location, they showed up at the party and everyone started yelling and threatening each other. The children hid behind their parents and asked each other why the people were yelling.

2. Watching and listening to talk shows/interviews with their outrage and righteousness makes me angry - why do we want to be angry? why do we listen to people rant and yell and insult their guests?

3. I was at Target last weekend and watched two grown women start pushing each other and screaming because someone cut in line.

4. At my last book club, we started talking about politics and what had been a friendly discussion turned into a hostile, shrill argument with people talking over one another and no one listening.

5. Someone made a joke on our community yahoo group and several people posted their displeasure with it.

Our children are watching us and I'm getting embarrassed by what we show them. We need to stop being so hypocritical and follow our own rules. We need to step up as leaders and demonstrate to our children, our community, our employees, and our organization how to deal with conflict in a respectful way. We need to be clear about our expectations and follow through with actions.

• Don't say or do things that will hurt someone's feelings.
• Listen to the other person when they don't agree with you.
• Try to come up with a compromise (wow that would be great).
• It doesn't matter whose fault it is.
• Do something to make the other person feel better if you have done something to make them feel bad.
• You might not respect the other person but you need to show them respect.

I think we all need to lighten up a little bit, enjoy ourselves and others more, and try to be more curious about what is really going on. Get to know where the other person is coming from, give them space to really express themselves, and if it isn't really important... let it go.