Jump start your mentoring relationship

Today I was surprised again at how we can be successful when we are so lousy at forming strong mentoring relationships.

Here is a successful, talented, and ambitious woman executive who has been matched with a mentor who happens to be one of the top 50 most powerful women in business today. I would think this is a match made in heaven! Hurrah! But NO! what has happened? What is going on???

• They have met for coffee
• It feels awkward
• My client doesn't know where to go with this so hasn't really pursued the relationship

What is so frustrating is that this is not an isolated event - we aren't very good at this mentoring thing. We don't know what it is supposed to look like or how to get it jump started.

I've been thinking about boys. I see them forming relationships with their coaches, being brought along, given opportunities when they are seen as high potential, and actively groomed to be better. They are used to getting feedback, being pushed, and expect to have someone fill this role. When they get into college they seem to form bonds with older boys and seek out advise on how to be successful. The ones who don't seem to flounder. Or drop out.

Then there are girls... we don't seem to have the same model. We are supposed to be nice... and self effacing... and put others first... And then we are expected to figure out how to "be mentored." As usual, here are my thoughts on how to make this work.

• Know what you want for yourself and be specific - feedback on how you are being perceived? access to senior leaders? consideration for big projects? promotion to next level? broader business knowledge? visibility outside the company? lateral move to a more interesting department? 
• The more specific you can be, the easier it will be for your mentor to help you. Continue to consider and refine after each conversation. Use this as an opportunity to focus on yourself (I know... this is hard)
• Be explicit with your sponsor on how you would like the relationship to work - how often to meet, how to structure the meetings, what to do when a conflict arises (reschedule, cancel?), who is responsible for scheduling the meetings. 
• Let him/her know why you believe this is the right relationship and what you will bring to the table. This is when you can bring them new perspectives, what you are observing in the rank and file, suggestions for what they might do to help get their message across in a different way. This unfiltered information is valuable - leaders want to get it and you can deliver!
• Get feedback from others who have mentoring relationships with your mentor - how does it work for them, what have they learned?
• Be prepared for every conversation with your mentor - make an agenda (and send it in advance), bring in samples of what you are working on or what you have completed, bring questions or needs, discuss what you have done since the last time you met and what you have learned, spend time talking about what you are observing in the organization, make sure you take away a few actions for both of you and follow up after the meeting
• Make notes of specific things your mentor told you (personal and business related) - for example, if you find out that her child is starting college, make a note to ask about how it is going when you see her next
• You are building a relationship. Every interaction should show you are serious about this.

I've got your back, baby

Remember you are in the driver's seat - your mentor can't help you unless you give him or her direction.

We have got to get better at this. Get out there! Practice! Make it work.