How women network

I've been thinking back on what I have learned about networking over the past 4 years. I find it astounding at how little I knew about really networking. Of course I had read books and articles about why and how but I didn't get it. What a wild ride!

The first major learning...

1. Networking is not about attending events
2. It doesn't matter how many cards you hand out
3. If your message isn't from the heart and compelling - no one cares what you do
4. Less talking about me... more listening about them

I remember making a resolution to go to at least one networking event a week. I researched and registered, I showed up and handed out cards, I listened to the speaker/panel/etc, and then I went home and checked off the "networking" box. After too much time, energy, and money I realized this was really not working. It felt uncomfortable, I didn't know what to talk about, I wasn't making connections, and it wasn't going anywhere. A new strategy was called for.

My next learning...

1. Most women want to build relationships - and these may lead to introductions, referrals, or business deals
2. Most men like this too
3. Making connections takes time and effort
4. Helping other people is easier than selling yourself

I started finding events I enjoyed attending and topics I wanted to learn more about. I watched a few people who are exceptional networkers. I thought about where my target referral sources might be and went there. I started helping other people make connections. It actually became fun! Meeting someone new became more about getting to know them, finding out how I could help them, staying in touch, and letting the relationship unfold.

Where I am now...

1. I am getting much better at creating connections with the people I meet... and I like that
2. I am creating an environment that supports the way women network - launching Women on the Move was new and challenging but watching the way the group connects creates so much positive energy
3. I am seeing more opportunities to help others because of the connections I have developed over the years
4. And best of all, I am getting great referrals from people I have gotten to know
5. I'm still trying to figure out how to stay in touch with people - now that I have so many relationships it is hard for me to maintain them

I've seen successes that reinforce these learnings. Several years ago I met another consulting business owner for coffee. We talked about ways we might collaborate but nothing had come of it. We stayed in touch and late last year he referred me into what became one of my largest clients. My former boss has called me several times to work on his projects. Another former boss has referred me to one of his clients.

Last week I met a woman who is launching her coaching business. As we talked it came up that one of her clients was looking for PE connections in Atlanta. I was able to pull a very influential name out and make an introduction. I felt really good about this and I'm sure it has helped her.

I believe that letting go of the "selling" mentality and moving toward a "relationship" mentality has been the biggest change for me. I've seen this change in how I network, but also in how I work with my clients. Less worrying about how to sell more work, and more worrying about how to help them solve problems (either with me or without me).

Perhaps this is how women network. But it is easier for us to do it this way and it seems to work.

The fairer sex??

I've read about women being the kinder, gentler gender - and I've read the rebuttals. Nature vs. nurture...

This weekend Katie Paige and Amelia were in their first "dance performance". They had been rehearsing day after day and were hysterically excited about the big event.

The end of the performance included a quick line up of girls where one at a time they would bow and run off the stage. Amelia had been second in line during the practices. But apparently there was some confusion in the heat of the moment and another little girl grabbed the second spot. And Amelia did what you might expect... she gave Audrey a big shove. And Audrey shoved her back. So there was my girl, center stage, having a smack down with her dance mate. In front of all the parents. I was so proud...

I remember having moments of rage as a child. When I didn't get my way or when things were so obviously unfair.

I believe the idea that gender somehow makes us kinder and fairer is fantasy. We might be taught to contain it or to direct it in different ways (emotional tormenting?) but the competition, mean streak, and anger when things aren't fair or right is still there.

Why is it so hard to let it go?

I was thinking about something I notice women leaders doing that I don't really see so much with men... and I think this is a big problem.

We were in an all day workshop with the executive team to clear up the reason for doing this project. Everyone in the room had a lot to say, there was lots of heated debate and conversation.

Eventually the group got down to debating what "the project" really is. Finally, after everyone had a chance to put their opinions on the table (at least once and for most people many more times), the CEO stepped in and made a decision. THIS IS WHAT THE PROJECT IS. He stood up and wrote it on the board.

Then we moved on.

Immediately after the meeting, I debriefed with the project manager. She said she was going to talk to him again because she doesn't agree and thinks he doesn't get it...

YIKES

This is where I think women have got to learn to let go and stop taking it so personally. I know that it is hard when we are so passionate about our position. I know it looks like we are giving up. I know we think we can convince him to change his mind...

Here is what I would ask you to consider. If you let go of your opinion now that the decision is made and fully support the decision, what are the possible outcomes?

• If the decision fails, the CEO will remember that you had a different opinion and that you still supported him. You will look good and will have earned the credibility to be listened to next time.
• If the decision succeeds, the CEO will remember that you had a different opinion and you supported the decision anyway. You will look good and will have earned some points.

If you continue to pursue your opinion, what are the possible outcomes?

• You will annoy the CEO and will send the message that he is being stupid - obviously not where you want to be.
• If this decision succeeds, the CEO will remember that you continued to pester him and you will have lost significant credibility.
• If it fails? the CEO doesn't need to have someone gloating and will probably not bring you around to fix it.

It is really important to let go and really support the decision that is made. If this means going to the CEO and explicitly saying "you know I have some concerns with the decision but I am trusting your decision and will fully support it" then go do it. But you need to really support it.

Sharing your story - making connections

This week we facilitated a session to jump start the relationship between a new leader and her team. As part of this exercise, we spend time with the team talking about their leader and gathering constructive feedback.

We had a situation where a woman leader was managing a team of nearly all women.

While there was strong consensus that this person is a leader in her field, a role model, and someone to learn from...

She was reserved and quiet... 

We heard what I felt to be an unusual amount of concern about her shy nature...

• "We don't know the real person"
• "We don't know how to connect to her"
• "We feel like we are working with a robot"
• "We don't know what she does outside of work"
• "We don't know what she likes to do for fun"
• "It's hard to relate to her"

I had to wonder, is this the woman-to-woman dynamic? When women work together is part of the relationship built on sharing personal information about ourselves? Do we hurt ourselves if we are too private?

We have learned to share our stories as a way to connect to other women. This is the grease in the relationship and allows for the hard conversations and helps us handle personal challenges. It helps us create a sense of empathy and camaraderie with our peers.

So if we don't share these stories with the women on our team, are we creating an uncomfortable dynamic? I think we are. And I think we can foster a much more collaborative environment by sharing who we are. But the stories we share at work are different than the ones we share with our girlfriends over wine.

• Share decisions you are considering (school for the kids, new home purchase, new car purchase...) - these are non-threatening ways of talking about things in your life and gathering information from others
• Share events/activities you are planning (movies, theater, sports, hobbies) - again non-threatening and a way to share some things that are important or relevant to you

Remember though, this is how to work with relational oriented people. Most women are relational and want this level of connection. Most men do not. So these stories would likely bore and frustrate a man because it is wasting time before getting to what is really important - work!

Look for cues as to how much the women (and men) on your team want to know about each other.
Are they asking about your weekend? your kids? your commute? Are they telling you about something they did? Try asking them about something outside work before you start your meeting and see what their reaction is. This will indicate their style.

We need to play to our strengths. When we work with women we have an advantage - we know how to connect and build relationships. We know how to share our stories. Not only does it make everyone feel better, it helps us get things done and it creates loyalty and trust. Take advantage of it!

multi-tasking vs. compartmentalizing

I'm reading The Male Factor by Shaunti Feldhahn. I'm not very far into it and am already amazed at the differences she has discovered between men and women at work. Apparently men compartmentalize and when they come to work, they are AT WORK. And when women come to work they are still participating in their life as a whole.

The past few days I have been working from home. I feel like I have been really productive in meeting my client's needs, having some great business development meetings, and networking.

During my "breaks" (and conference calls) I have done the following:

• Fix the stupid remote control so I can finally use my TV the civilized way
• Find the problem with the garbage disposal so it works again
• Erase my old hard drive, load snow leopard, and install all my husband's data so he can use my old laptop
• Wrap the girls' christmas presents

Clearly, I don't compartmentalize.

While my husband appreciates this work, he sees me as primarily goofing off during the day. "When are you going to get a real job?"

This book is giving me a new perspective on what I have already been picking up on. I think this is important... I can be great at multi-tasking and I won't be sharing this with my male colleagues. I'm going to try the "all business" approach next week in all my conversations and see what happens.

Respect - how to get it

Today I'm thinking about women leading change. What is working and what is not. I keep coming back to leadership and establishing ourselves as strong and effective guides.

What gets in our way?

I think we are focused too much on whether we are LIKED and not enough on whether we are RESPECTED. What does respect look like? What does disrespect look like? How do you clearly articulate what you expect from your team?

Story #1
Sue was leading a meeting. Her boss, Steve, kept jumping in and rambling on and disrupting the group. After the meeting he came in to her office to talk. He said it appeared that she was frustrated with him in the meeting. She told him she was. They talked. She agreed to be more respectful in the meetings and he agreed to let her run the meeting without rambling on. Sue told me that this would never have happened if her boss was a woman. She said that there would be lots of griping to her peers about the situation, the lack of support, and how the boss doesn't support her.

Story #2
Melinda, a finance executive, met with her direct report, Karen, to explain her new role. She thought the meeting went well. Then she started hearing from other people that Karen is bad-mouthing the project, rolling her eyes in meetings, and is disrupting the transition. Melinda doesn't know what to do to fix this behavior. She tried to encourage Karen indirectly and continued to monitor the situation. What would a man do? I think he would immediately call Karen in and tell her - hey this is what I've been hearing, what is going on? I don't want to hear this again.

Story #3
Darla, a new leader recently promoted to manage over 100 people, has been working with her teams to get them engaged and motivated. She is incredibly insecure about one of the teams because they don't like her. She has heard that they perceive her to be a "bitch." Now she is nervous and is doing all she can to make them see how wonderful she is. I think a man might say "so what? as long as they respect me we are fine".


I'm worried that we aren't good at having direct conversations about how we work together - and calling people out when they aren't behaving appropriately. We should expect people to treat us with respect - even if they don't respect us. We should know what this looks like and be able to identify disrespect quickly and deal with it immediately. This is what we need to do if we want to be seen as leaders.

women managers need sponsors not mentors

To get to the top levels in an organization, we need a sponsor in the executive ranks. 


This means someone to advocate for us, to position us in high visibility roles, to introduce us to leaders and help us forge relationships with these people, to help us navigate the politics... someone who will use some of their own political capital to pull us along.


The Center for Work-Life Policy (CWLP) is releasing a study next month in the Harvard Business Review showing that women are not making it to the top ranks of leadership because they don't have the powerful backing required to push them there.


I've been calling these advocates "mentors". My coach and marketing guru has argued consistently that we can't have good mentors inside our own organization. I finally get it (thanks Mike). What we need are not mentors, what we need are SPONSORS. Mentors give advise and perspective. Sponsors aggressively pull you into the leadership ranks. Definitely need both... but mentors alone will not get you to the highest levels.


The CWLP says that having a sponsor boosts your prospect of advancement by 19% for women (and 23% for men).


So what is keeping women from getting these sponsors to help us along? 


Theory #1 - this relationship looks sketchy


I forwarded this article to my colleague and said I saw her having a very solid sponsor behind her in her last job. Then she reminded me of another situation...

She had a great sponsor... an influential leader, well networked, and able to pull her along to the highest visibility projects. He spent a huge amount of time with her, coaching her, introducing her formally and informally to the "right" people, supporting her through rough situations, providing air cover as she learned, and continuing to be her advocate at the leadership levels. This required a lot of time. Unfortunately one of his peers assumed they must be having an affair and reported it to HR. I can't imagine the embarrassment on both sides as they defended themselves publicly and privately. 

So the typical sponsor relationship can look a lot like an affair. A lot of wonderful opportunities are missed because men and women on both sides are reluctant to be perceived in this way.


But if the risk of people making incorrect assumptions is keeping us from forming these powerful relationships, how else do we get ahead? Can we make it less risky?


Theory #2 - we aren't comfortable creating these type of relationships


Having this sort of sponsor relationship will make us stand out as something special. We will get attention from our peers and our bosses. For women who have been trained not to brag and not to stand out from their peers, this can be really uncomfortable. It just takes a "who does she think she is" to make us wonder if it is worth it. 


I've seen women try to balance this by being totally self effacing about the relationship to the point that it is embarrassing. They won't take any credit for being worth this effort or even wanting to have this sort of attention. 


I wish we could be thrilled for ourselves and for our colleagues when one of us manages to get this level of support. This is good for all of us.

It's Showtime! - positive thinking

Yesterday I asked Amelia to come with me outside. She complained about the mosquitoes. I told her that there are no mosquitoes in the Fall, that is why Fall is so wonderful.

A: but it is too cold

Me: you have a choice in your thinking--you can think about the good things or the bad things... because there are good and bad with everything.

A: oh... so like we can find beautiful leaves in the Fall

Me: YAY

This conversation reminded me that positive thinking really is a choice. As leaders, a positive attitude will foster a positive environment. People like to be around positive people.

My favorite things to say when hearing something new, challenging, or crazy are:

• you could be right (BTW this is a GREAT one for my marriage)
• what if... (consider what good things could happen)
• yes and (forcing yourself to build on the idea)

Today I am trying to watch what I say and do. I want to see how positive I can be... reframing situations to look at the positive sides. And remembering to use those 3 phrases as often as possible...

Jump start your mentoring relationship

Today I was surprised again at how we can be successful when we are so lousy at forming strong mentoring relationships.

Here is a successful, talented, and ambitious woman executive who has been matched with a mentor who happens to be one of the top 50 most powerful women in business today. I would think this is a match made in heaven! Hurrah! But NO! what has happened? What is going on???

• They have met for coffee
• It feels awkward
• My client doesn't know where to go with this so hasn't really pursued the relationship

What is so frustrating is that this is not an isolated event - we aren't very good at this mentoring thing. We don't know what it is supposed to look like or how to get it jump started.

I've been thinking about boys. I see them forming relationships with their coaches, being brought along, given opportunities when they are seen as high potential, and actively groomed to be better. They are used to getting feedback, being pushed, and expect to have someone fill this role. When they get into college they seem to form bonds with older boys and seek out advise on how to be successful. The ones who don't seem to flounder. Or drop out.

Then there are girls... we don't seem to have the same model. We are supposed to be nice... and self effacing... and put others first... And then we are expected to figure out how to "be mentored." As usual, here are my thoughts on how to make this work.

• Know what you want for yourself and be specific - feedback on how you are being perceived? access to senior leaders? consideration for big projects? promotion to next level? broader business knowledge? visibility outside the company? lateral move to a more interesting department? 
• The more specific you can be, the easier it will be for your mentor to help you. Continue to consider and refine after each conversation. Use this as an opportunity to focus on yourself (I know... this is hard)
• Be explicit with your sponsor on how you would like the relationship to work - how often to meet, how to structure the meetings, what to do when a conflict arises (reschedule, cancel?), who is responsible for scheduling the meetings. 
• Let him/her know why you believe this is the right relationship and what you will bring to the table. This is when you can bring them new perspectives, what you are observing in the rank and file, suggestions for what they might do to help get their message across in a different way. This unfiltered information is valuable - leaders want to get it and you can deliver!
• Get feedback from others who have mentoring relationships with your mentor - how does it work for them, what have they learned?
• Be prepared for every conversation with your mentor - make an agenda (and send it in advance), bring in samples of what you are working on or what you have completed, bring questions or needs, discuss what you have done since the last time you met and what you have learned, spend time talking about what you are observing in the organization, make sure you take away a few actions for both of you and follow up after the meeting
• Make notes of specific things your mentor told you (personal and business related) - for example, if you find out that her child is starting college, make a note to ask about how it is going when you see her next
• You are building a relationship. Every interaction should show you are serious about this.

I've got your back, baby

Remember you are in the driver's seat - your mentor can't help you unless you give him or her direction.

We have got to get better at this. Get out there! Practice! Make it work.

Can being too sensitive to men’s perspectives hurt us?

Last week I spoke with a retired Fortune 500 COO and current consultant. She is passionate about finding and creating networking opportunities for executive women.

When she recently moved to Atlanta she was surprised at the lack of networks for executive women. She took action.

• She created a sub group for women within one of the more successful executive networking groups.
• She volunteered to serve as a mentor to women leaders in one of the largest women’s leadership development programs
• She got active in Women in Technology at the board level

Then she told me of the reaction from her male colleagues.

“Don’t you do anything with men?”

“Maybe we should form our own men’s networking group” (when she suggested that this would be the regular Friday meetings, they were not amused)

“What do we need to do to join in on the events?”

Her take-away is that we need to be very sensitive to how we are perceived by the men we work with and not focus exclusively on networking/helping other women.

While rationally I understand this advise… I know that we need to be seen as team players and we can’t be playing favorites… but really a part of me wants to pull my hair out.

We are being so careful to portray ourselves as “non-gender” so we don’t hurt anyone’s feelings or egos.

But…

• When the guys go golfing every week, do they worry about us?
• When they look around the room and find a sea of male faces, do they wonder why we aren’t around?
• When they plan events that women aren’t attending, do they think about changing the venue or forum?
• When they host superbowl parties, sponsor golfing events, take clients to strip clubs… well you get the idea.

It seems like we are supposed to go along and get along without saying anything…

Go to the events that men enjoy, not notice that we are excluded or unwanted, and accept the standard “you are welcome to join us” without ever saying anything.

But when we try to form our own “girls network” or do things together that we enjoy, guys get nervous and make us feel bad about it. And we start to believe there is something wrong with what we are doing.

Why are they so nervous when we get together without them? Why is this so threatening that they can’t support us?

Can friendships at work work?

How to maintain friendships at work? There are so many land mines waiting to hurt the friendship -

• Did she ask me that to make herself look better?
• Is she using what she knows about me to make me look bad?
• Did she just say that to me in front of everyone?
• Was that a joke or was she serious?
• OMG I didn't want her to share that story

Then we stew... and stew... back away from the friendship and promise ourselves to separate work and and personal relationships. So we are back in the same situation - separating our relationships.

Ultimately I think this comes down to women having a hard time telling someone when they are angry, hurt, or embarrassed. So they keep it inside. And they tell other people about it. And ultimately the relationship sours.

We can take a lesson from watching how men handle it. They confront the issue - "dude that was really uncalled for" - and then they go play golf together.

I've found that focusing on the relationship, taking a deep breath, and having a real conversation does strengthen a relationship. Here are the questions to contemplate:

1. What do you want for her? - really put yourself into her shoes and consider what she wants
2. What do you want for you? - use positive words
3. NOW the most important part - what do you want for the relationship? What would it feel like?
4. Finally, how has the current situation impacted this and how could you see it differently in the future.

It goes like this - a real example...

1. Listen, I want you to get credit for the wonderful job you did designing the training program. I want you to be seen as a leader in this area. I want you to be confident that I am supporting you in this and that I am reinforcing your leadership in this area.
2. I want to count on you to deliver what you promise when you promise. I want to get wonderful feedback about the experience from the trainees. I want to hear the client leadership team talking about us in a positive way.
3. I want for both of us to know that when there are problems we will work together right away to resolve them. I want for you to trust that I'm out to make you look good, and for me to know the same. I want a clean, open relationship without hearing about issues bubbling up outside us.
4. I feel like the last training program was a miss and that you threw me under the bus. It is hard for me to trust you and to support you when I think you are going to damage my credibiity and reputation for your own ends. 

In this situation, I had her nodding at the first and then agreeing as I talked and saying she wanted the same thing. It opened up the conversation and showed what our relationship could be like. It also showed that I really cared both about her and about us. We ended up having a good heart to heart and I think we had a stronger relationship after the conversation.

Was it hard? HECK YEAH. Would it have been easier to bury it, stew about it, and then vent to everyone else? Oh yes. But I learned a really important lesson by forcing myself to take the high road. And I think we should all challenge ourselves to do the same.

Networking tips

This morning's conversation with my daughter:

Amelia: Where are you going?

Me: Networking meeting

Amelia: What is neck working?

Me: It's a place to meet new people and make new friends.

Amelia: Why?

Me: It's important to have a lot of friends.

Amelia: Why?

Me: So that if you need help they can help you... and if they need help, you can help them.

Amelia: Ok. (whew)

So I reminded myself about why I was heading out the door at 7am (again, what is with these early meetings?). This is about building relationships so that I can help others and they can help me. A refreshing re-grounding.

Networking can feel intimidating and overwhelming so these are my tips to make it easier and usually more fun.

• Go with a friend if at all possible - strategize up front, separate to meet new people but stay in eye contact and rescue each other if needed. Don't linger with your friend - you still have to get out and meet people.
• Enter with purpose and head straight for the coffee - you can meet people while in line and commiserate about how early the meeting is. Use this to introduce yourself and get acquainted. And you have a reason to move on to meet someone else once you get your coffee.
• Leave everything except your business cards in your car trunk - you don't need to be carrying a purse or notebook (if you must take notes, put a tiny notebook in your pocket). You don't need your cell phone - it will only distract you.
• Don't claim your seat until most people are already moving toward their tables - this way you can get the lay of the land and find the right people to sit near. And don't sit down until the last minute - keep mingling.
• Only hand out your business card when there has been a solid connection and you want to follow up with the person. I see people handing out cards like crazy and I just think it is a bit cheesy. I like to think that it is more classy to have a reason to exchange cards.
• Eat before you go. There is no graceful way to mingle and talk while balancing your plate and cup and trying to eat and chew. And you can't sit down too early because then.. well really what is the point of coming?
• Keep moving. Don't get caught with one person too long. This is where your friend can come in handy - if you see her spending too long with one person, wave her over and introduce her to the person you are talking to. They you can move on.
• Go in with a positive attitude. On the way to the event, I like to think about possible best case scenarios - sometimes I meet a woman executive with a big budget who is about to launch a really big change and needs what I offer, and she is really funny and happens to have a couple of kids the same age as mine, and live in the same neighborhood, and it turns out that we know the same people. We really hit it off and immediately schedule a coffee date to talk about ways we can work together. - Wouldn't that be great? No reason it couldn't happen...

The goal is to mingle, meet people, and hopefully find a few people who you connect with - either they can help you or you can help them. Get these people's contact info and follow up. I think it is so nice to get a follow up email referencing something I said. Try to remember some personal story or something they told you so you can differentiate yourself.

Is our commitment holding us back?

Stephanie and I noticed that many of the successful and influential men we work with had developed important relationships while playing golf. OK that's obvious duh... but it got us thinking and talking.

Rather than trying to elbow our way into this arena (which frankly would be too embarrassing anyway), we thought about networking while doing things we like. Shopping. We both really like shopping. Shoe shopping in particular. We thought this would be a really fun way for women to get to know one another, build relationships, and get some new shoes too.

We started running it by some executive women (our target audience). Unanimously positive feedback - what's not to love about shoe shopping and noshing? But when we asked them if they would commit to attending...

"I can't take that much time off during the day"

"I can't leave my office for three hours during the day"

"you won't find any female executives who will go shopping during the day"

"I can't be associated with such a girly event" 

 .....

"...unless you maybe tie it to some sort of charity?"

So apparently we are still working in the 1950's. 

We will volunteer our time and energy for a good cause...but a fun event to network with other women executives, make connections, learn something, and even make contacts that could help us become better leaders... can't take time during the day to do that. 

Now I understand why most of my women networking events are at 7:30am. UGH.

We have such a strong and passionate commitment to our work, our teams, and our results. This is a wonderful characteristic and is what makes many women successful in getting into management. We will get things done. We will pick up the slack and make up for any weak areas. This is what works.

Unfortunately, without that same commitment to ourselves, we are missing opportunities to continue to grow and learn, to expand our careers, to create deeper and more meaningful professional relationships that can ultimately make work easier and more enjoyable.

friends conspiring (or collaborating)

• Networking is important - take time to get to know people outside your company
• Do things you like to do or are really interested in - life is short, don't waste it (Stephanie and I got to know each other when we took our kids to the zoo - we talked business the whole time)
• Sometimes it is hard to meet new people - smile and listen, and find the connections

I'm afraid we aren't taking care of ourselves - and we aren't finding our work fulfilling enough. Too many of us are burned out and irritable. Work (and life) is so much more fun when you have friends supporting you.

Atlanta's book of lists - where are the women?

Last night I was reviewing the Atlanta Book of Lists. While I was gathering information and creating my spreadsheet, suddenly, I realized that I was seeing page after page of white men. I couldn't resist the urge to start counting the faces. Here are the stats (note that I was only looking at pictures so I did make assumptions on the race).

• best places to work (large) - 2 women out of 10 execs (all white)
• best places to work (medium) - NO women out of 27 execs (all white)
• best places to work (small) - 7 women out of 29 execs (all white)
• fastest growing private companies - 5 women out of 26 execs(looks like there is one hispanic man in the mix)
• top 25 private companies - NO women out of 25 execs (all white)
• top 25 public companies - NO women out of 25 execs (all white)
• top 25 highest paid executives - top 24 are men, #25 is a woman

Now I don't want to jump to any conclusions here, but this seems a bit skewed to me.

my best friend Beth and me 1986

I remember when I was in college and we were so optimistic that there were women in front of us paving the way. We thought for sure that we would be right behind them breaking through and getting to the top. That was 25 years ago. This weekend I heard a group of young women explaining that the reason there were not more women yet in representative numbers in leadership roles was simply a pipeline issue. That was the same story I heard 25 years ago. Seriously.

sweet and happy 

What will I tell my daughters? Will they be hoping for another big pipeline influx? Will they encounter these same stats? I sure hope not.

Stephanie and I are launching an executive women's networking event next month. Our hope is to encourage women to help each other - through introductions and information. We want to see powerful women building new relationships.

Building a team - dealing with intimidation

I’m working with Elizabeth, a senior executive in Finance. She is responsible for completely reshaping the accounting organization – outsourcing, segmenting roles, restructuring, raising the skill level and expertise…

She is incredibly smart, funny, and professional. She also sees herself in a bigger role someday. She was surprised when she found out that people were intimidated and afraid of her. Even her direct reports were not willing to ask her questions or tell her what they were thinking.

Elizabeth took this personally. She worried about how to engage better, how to be less intimidating, what could be causing this. She swung between “I don’t care, I just need to get this done” to “what can I do to relate better with my employees”. She thought about situations where she might have said something differently, and other situations where she did something that seemed to engage people positively. 

This thinking was taking up a whole lot of energy that would be spent better on other things. And I realized that I hadn’t ever had this conversation with the men executives I had worked with.

• Women executives are more likely to deal with issues with intimidation because of the degree of power and authority they have. 
• Women have a need for a team to really collaborate with – people want to work with people we like and people we trust. 
• Women are more sensitive to how they are being perceived. And it is harder for us to separate the personal relationship from the professional relationship. It hurts our feelings when people don't like us or say mean things about us (and it really ticks us off).

So we spend a lot of time trying to be less intimidating, pulling our team together, and worrying about what people are saying and whether they like us or not. It is frankly quite exhausting.

• Get out there and talk to your “team”. Instead of staying in your head, take action. It’s your job as a leader to get your direct reports playing well together.
• Tell them what you want to achieve, share your stories. Find out who they are, what they really enjoy doing, what brings them to work each day.
• Talk about why you need them on the team. What do they do that you like?
• And most importantly, tell them what you like and don’t like. We tend to focus on the job and tasks at hand. Elizabeth needed to tell people her criteria: that she hated to be surprised about problems and concerns (hearing them in the hall drove her crazy) – she wanted people to tell her directly. She also liked well thought out options and ideas when people were presenting problems (people coming in to vent and complain irritated her). This helped people know what to do to build their credibility and relationship with her.
• Finally, if you have someone on your team who doesn't fit, make a change. I've seen women keep a person because of a skill/experience level but who was disrespectful and sabotaging their efforts. Is this making life better? easier?  

When we run into these challenges – rumors, intimidation, relationship-related issues – I’ve seen a tendency, especially with women, to hope it will all work out. To think if we keep plowing ahead, ignoring the problem, and making progress, the problems will somehow sort themselves out. But we can make our lives and our work so much more enjoyable by dealing with these challenges. Telling people what you expect helps. Getting to know them and sharing your own stories helps. 

Building relationships and trust takes time and it may mean we need to be uncomfortable for a while.