Changing the world

I just watched Madeleine Albright talking on TED about being a woman and a diplomat. She was a delight to watch and her humor, humility, and power were inspiring. Madeleine Albright speaks about being a woman and a diplomat

Definitely worth a watch.

I loved her 7 year old granddaughter asking what the big deal was since "only girls are secretaries of state"... so telling and yet what a goal really.

The stories of what she accomplished and how she did it were amazing. An education for those of us who don't stay in touch with politics. She was able to change the world.

Her call to have more women represented in politics and in business was pragmatic and hopeful - because we are better able to but ourselves in the other persons shoes, because we will attempt a deeper understanding, and because we can change the tone and goals of the conversation.

We need to have more women at the table. We need to build momentum. And most importantly we need to support each other.

trusting my intuition - and making the call

Last week I had an awkward sales call. I thought we were getting to know each other - "let's talk and decide if we want to work together". So I was prepared to have a deeper conversation about their problems, our philosophy, potential solutions, and how we might structure our work. I left feeling completely ambushed.

As I sat in the parking lot, dazed and confused, I thought about what happened. I didn't have the level of interaction and connection that I have come to expect. I didn't get any positive signals. A few things seemed really strange...

1. The guys I met with continued to stress how complex their change was... I thought OK so this is a relatively big change - restructuring, layoffs, and new roles. But in the big scheme of things?... not so complicated. I wondered - how come he thinks this is so complex?
2. They were concerned about our capacity and scale - how would we be able to ramp up, what happens if they don't like someone on the team... It seemed that he didn't get our approach at all. that we don't build a small empire and that we push the work back onto the managers to lead the change. that having a gigantic team of consultants is not going to change behaviors. They just kept pushing on how we would scale up and make sure people were available
3. They wanted industry experience...considering I had worked at their company for 8 months, I wasn't sure what this was all about. especially considering our variety of industries and depth of expertise. seemed really weird that they kept asking about this.

It seemed that they were looking for reasons to not hire us.

Today I found out that they selected a big-4 consulting firm to help them. All the pieces now fit together. Typical MO... this change is really big and complicated, you need a really big team, and you need a gigantic bench of resources in case it gets even bigger and more complicated. And we have deep industry experts who can provide deep industry expertise.

What I learned - hard, hard lessons.

• Why didn't I ask if they were looking at other consulting firms? - I could have easily turned the conversation around...
• Why didn't I stop the meeting and say that this was not what I expected? - I could have dug to find out what was really going on...
• Why didn't I do one more conversation prior to flying there to confirm expectations for the meeting? - if they met with the other firm and had different priorities I could have prepared...
• Why didn't I get skeptical when the main guy wasn't able to meet with us? - I could have rescheduled, or at least figured out what was going on...
• Why did I accept the meeting getting cut short because they were late?

Because I had worked there before, I had a direct referral, and our phone conversation went well... I trusted that the next step would be continuing to build the relationship. I haven't been side swiped by another firm before. I let my guard down, didn't read the signals, didn't take action when it was obviously needed, and lost the opportunity.

So what a great learning as I develop my sales acumen. But what a crappy way to have to learn these lessons. Hopefully I got it and don't have to learn this again.

The fairer sex??

I've read about women being the kinder, gentler gender - and I've read the rebuttals. Nature vs. nurture...

This weekend Katie Paige and Amelia were in their first "dance performance". They had been rehearsing day after day and were hysterically excited about the big event.

The end of the performance included a quick line up of girls where one at a time they would bow and run off the stage. Amelia had been second in line during the practices. But apparently there was some confusion in the heat of the moment and another little girl grabbed the second spot. And Amelia did what you might expect... she gave Audrey a big shove. And Audrey shoved her back. So there was my girl, center stage, having a smack down with her dance mate. In front of all the parents. I was so proud...

I remember having moments of rage as a child. When I didn't get my way or when things were so obviously unfair.

I believe the idea that gender somehow makes us kinder and fairer is fantasy. We might be taught to contain it or to direct it in different ways (emotional tormenting?) but the competition, mean streak, and anger when things aren't fair or right is still there.

the luxury of ignorance

Last week I was invited to a meeting to provide my "expert opinion." So I showed up not knowing anything - I didn't even know what the meeting was about. As I sat there listening to the group, I realized that I didn't have a clue what they were talking about.

"business transformation" 

"functional initiatives" 

"global optimization" 

"outsourcing"

"milestones" 

"buy in and adoption"

I finally interjected and said - I don't have a clue what you are talking about. They all sort of looked around for someone to explain it to me and realized that they didn't really know either. They had been so used to using these words that they couldn't explain simply what they were doing. We had a great conversation as they all tried to explain it to me in their own words. We also opened up some real misunderstandings and areas needing further discussion.

Being the new person in the room allows you to ask the "dumb" questions. The luxury of ignorance.

But what if we were prepared to own it we were confused? I have been afraid to ask the questions sometimes because it looked like everyone else knew what was going on and I didn't want to slow it down, or assumed I would be able to pick it up later, or thought I should already know this stuff.

It takes courage to ask questions or to say that you don't know something.

Last week Rod Odom, President of BellSouth, gave a great presentation on lessons he learned as a leader. He told a story from college which reminded me of this topic. He sat in a class for a week and didn't understand a thing the professor was talking about. He was about to drop the class when one of the other students stood up and told the professor that he couldn't follow any of the lectures. It turns out this class had been mislabeled in the curriculum as level 1 but was actually part 3 of a series. The professor restructured the class and Rod said it was the best class he ever took. I think about the courage it took for that one student to stand up. And the huge benefits the rest of the class (and the professor) got from it.

What a great learning.

Communication tips to help you get the respect you deserve

We are planning our next executive women's networking event. We will explore how to communicate and build relationships to achieve greater respect.

As always, the timing is perfect. This week I was shown that this is something I need to continue to work on. sigh... another learning opportunity.

As part of our planning, we shared our personal stories and listed our top 10 tips - based on our research, our experiences, and the stories we have heard. We will continue to refine our list after the event but here is our initial draft. Would love your thoughts, additions, and stories.

In creating this list we found many examples of when we missed the mark and how annoyed we get at others who can't get it right. It seems that we only hurt ourselves - our credibility, our trustworthiness, and our ability to be respected - when we can't get it right.  

1. Clearly communicate what is expected—the job and the working relationship—make sure people really get it
2. Listen, read the signals, and communicate appropriately—able to figure out what is really going on in the organization, in the hierarchy, and in relationships
3. Provide objective, direct feedback in a way that can be heard and is valued—leave people wanting to hear more
4. Always avoid gossiping about people—it is not constructive and shows you can’t be trusted
5. Explain when information is needed to make a decision, when a decision is made, and why that decision was made—especially to people who will not be satisfied with the decision
6. Explain what is going on behind closed doors—why certain people are involved and others are not
7. Keep conversations confidential—if in doubt ask but never share a conversation without permission
8. Use conversations to help people solve their own problems, clear obstacles, and listen—don’t jump in with solutions
9. Respect other’s time—schedule time to talk (limit busting in unexpected), give them time to prepare, and keep it on topic
10. Take time to let things work themselves out before jumping in—respond after giving yourself time to calmly assess the situation and always avoid email arguments

Happiness

We are hosting an au-pair from Germany. She has been here 8 months and is unhappy. We have tried to help... many conversations, suggestions, interventions, support, mediations, arguments. I worry that I'm not doing enough to help her make friends, involve her in our community, show her what is available in our town.

Last night I thought about what makes me happy and why. I decided to pull it all together into "points to remember every day."

ice cream makes me happy

1. We are responsible for making ourselves happy - sometimes we need direction and support but no one else can make it happen
2. We need to understand what makes ourselves happy - the small things (sitting alone in a coffee shop and reading a magazine? tickle time?) and the big things (family trips over the summer? vacationing with my sisters?)
3. We should focus on the little things every day and recognize when we are happy - so many moments pass by and we don't even notice - hey this feels good!
4. When we are unhappy we need to figure out what we need to get out of the slump - see a movie, visit with family, learn something new, read a book... otherwise it just gets worse and worse

Ultimately we need to understand ourselves and spend some time knowing who we are.

I worry that we are raising a generation that expects others to take care of them and "make them happy." People who can't figure out what to do to get out of the slump.

I have got to continue to push it back - this is your responsibility, not mine. Tell me what you need and I will try to help. But I can't enable this behavior. It is easy for me to fall into this role and then I get angry and frustrated.

I am going to focus on this at home... and at work. I wonder how I have been enabling others rather than pushing the responsibilities back on them. More observation required...

Sharing your story - making connections

This week we facilitated a session to jump start the relationship between a new leader and her team. As part of this exercise, we spend time with the team talking about their leader and gathering constructive feedback.

We had a situation where a woman leader was managing a team of nearly all women.

While there was strong consensus that this person is a leader in her field, a role model, and someone to learn from...

She was reserved and quiet... 

We heard what I felt to be an unusual amount of concern about her shy nature...

• "We don't know the real person"
• "We don't know how to connect to her"
• "We feel like we are working with a robot"
• "We don't know what she does outside of work"
• "We don't know what she likes to do for fun"
• "It's hard to relate to her"

I had to wonder, is this the woman-to-woman dynamic? When women work together is part of the relationship built on sharing personal information about ourselves? Do we hurt ourselves if we are too private?

We have learned to share our stories as a way to connect to other women. This is the grease in the relationship and allows for the hard conversations and helps us handle personal challenges. It helps us create a sense of empathy and camaraderie with our peers.

So if we don't share these stories with the women on our team, are we creating an uncomfortable dynamic? I think we are. And I think we can foster a much more collaborative environment by sharing who we are. But the stories we share at work are different than the ones we share with our girlfriends over wine.

• Share decisions you are considering (school for the kids, new home purchase, new car purchase...) - these are non-threatening ways of talking about things in your life and gathering information from others
• Share events/activities you are planning (movies, theater, sports, hobbies) - again non-threatening and a way to share some things that are important or relevant to you

Remember though, this is how to work with relational oriented people. Most women are relational and want this level of connection. Most men do not. So these stories would likely bore and frustrate a man because it is wasting time before getting to what is really important - work!

Look for cues as to how much the women (and men) on your team want to know about each other.
Are they asking about your weekend? your kids? your commute? Are they telling you about something they did? Try asking them about something outside work before you start your meeting and see what their reaction is. This will indicate their style.

We need to play to our strengths. When we work with women we have an advantage - we know how to connect and build relationships. We know how to share our stories. Not only does it make everyone feel better, it helps us get things done and it creates loyalty and trust. Take advantage of it!

Learning from bad experiences

This week I was thinking about some of my more painful and unfair experiences...and what I learned from them.

Years ago, I decided to leave my big, fancy, high-paying job where I was well-positioned and well-loved. I went off to join a small and rapidly growing start-up firm run by two of the smartest men I knew. I adored the insane hours, the travel, the incredibly intelligent people, the feeling of being part of a family, and the personal and professional learning.

After a few years though, I realized that things were not quite right. The partnership grew and then retracted, but only the women partners left.

I was a VP along with a handful of others. As I was planning my maternity leave (still traveling and leading the largest engagement for the firm), I was asked to consider coming back as a director. To be clear... this was a demotion.

I was stunned, confused, angry...

The obvious question, what had I done wrong? Why was this being suggested?

We still hadn't even defined any real roles or job descriptions or performance metrics for the different levels, so no one could give me a performance based reason as to why I should consider this move.

But several partners told me that they thought it would be easier for me when I had a new baby...

Have a baby = get a demotion

I also noticed that I was the only woman in the VP ranks...

Partnership = all white men

VP Level = all white men

This all seemed mighty odd...

So I simply ignored the "suggestion" when I came back after my leave. I went to our HR leader and told him that until someone could give me a performance based reason for taking a demotion, I would still be considering myself a VP.

Then I left... to go out on my own. Where I am doing the same work at a higher level with more creativity, having more fun, and I got rid of the pressure to prove something to a boss.

What did I learn?

• I do believe now that people really were trying to be helpful; but we couldn't have a good conversation because I was so insecure and angry
• If I stop worrying about what other people think about me, I can focus on the important things and free up energy to be more productive and have more fun
• I don't have to prove how good I am to anyone else
• I like to learn and want to learn but I don't need to feel inadequate to be a good learner

Now I notice when my ego is taking over. I notice when I am feeling defensive and angry. I pay attention to and trust my feelings. I try remember that all of us are doing the best we can.

And best of all, I know I can step away from the situation and be fine. What a terrific learning.

It's OK to be a beginner

This month, Amelia has been spending hours every day asking how to spell words, copying words from books, and writing and writing and writing. When she wakes up, the first thing she does is grab her paper and pencil. She returns to her writing every chance she can.

This weekend she snuck away during dinner to practice her "words." She came back to the table and proudly presented:

A: What's this say?

Me: Grila?

A: YES! (she grinned from ear-to-ear and proudly pointed to her zoo camp shirt with the gorilla on it)

I was floored. She did it! Watching the focus, discipline, and time that she dedicated every day to learning... day after day... to finally present her first word written all by herself was DAUNTING!

Nothing stopped her. It didn't matter that it wasn't spelled right... that it wasn't neat and tidy... that other people wrote better, faster, and prettier. She was so proud of herself that she got it. All by herself.

Where does this desire to learn come from? I imagine how much better I might be if I spent a fraction of that energy to learn something new... do something hard... to get out of my comfort zone.

If I could get rid of that inner voice that tell me it is hard, that it isn't worth it, that I am going to look silly, that someone else already knows how to do it (and they are better anyway)...

This is a reminder to open up to possibilities. It is OK to look like a beginner.

Making choices - the good, bad, and ugly

Yesterday I went to my bibliobabes book club. We discussed "how successful people think" by John Maxwell. Good discussion on how we think.

• Can we change our thinking?
• Where do you do your best thinking?
• Should we devote time to thinking?
• Big picture thinking?
• Prioritizing and staying focused on what matters most

Lots of great ideas for staying at a strategic level, motivating others to come along, and using different techniques at work and at home. Loved the quote below:

Imagination is more important than knowledge - albert einstein

Then it got depressing for me...

One of the women brought up her 16 year old daughter. She was surprised at a number of her friends who have already targeted "being a wife and a mother" as their post college aspiration. And another successful friend who told her that his daughter has already said she is going to college to get her MRS degree.

I have to admit that I found this really disturbing. It feels so backwards. But then I started wondering - is this what we meant when we talked about choices? This is a choice. Can I change my thinking to celebrate these girls and their choices? nope... I cannot.

It seems they have missed the joy of doing challenging work, stimulating their brains, learning new things, forcing themselves to solve hard problems... I know being a mom is challenging and rewarding. But I also know that it is not particularly stimulating for my brain.

Of course I am one to think about all the different scenarios and what ifs. Like what do you do if you end up without a husband? Or if you can't have children? And what happens when your children leave home? Or if your husband decides to find another "option"?

And really--is putting your husband and children first the best way to live your life? What is important to you and what do you love to do and what are you passionate about?

I just get depressed. What are these girls learning from us, from their teachers, from society? Is this enough? Are we moving in the right direction?

Can friendships at work work?

How to maintain friendships at work? There are so many land mines waiting to hurt the friendship -

• Did she ask me that to make herself look better?
• Is she using what she knows about me to make me look bad?
• Did she just say that to me in front of everyone?
• Was that a joke or was she serious?
• OMG I didn't want her to share that story

Then we stew... and stew... back away from the friendship and promise ourselves to separate work and and personal relationships. So we are back in the same situation - separating our relationships.

Ultimately I think this comes down to women having a hard time telling someone when they are angry, hurt, or embarrassed. So they keep it inside. And they tell other people about it. And ultimately the relationship sours.

We can take a lesson from watching how men handle it. They confront the issue - "dude that was really uncalled for" - and then they go play golf together.

I've found that focusing on the relationship, taking a deep breath, and having a real conversation does strengthen a relationship. Here are the questions to contemplate:

1. What do you want for her? - really put yourself into her shoes and consider what she wants
2. What do you want for you? - use positive words
3. NOW the most important part - what do you want for the relationship? What would it feel like?
4. Finally, how has the current situation impacted this and how could you see it differently in the future.

It goes like this - a real example...

1. Listen, I want you to get credit for the wonderful job you did designing the training program. I want you to be seen as a leader in this area. I want you to be confident that I am supporting you in this and that I am reinforcing your leadership in this area.
2. I want to count on you to deliver what you promise when you promise. I want to get wonderful feedback about the experience from the trainees. I want to hear the client leadership team talking about us in a positive way.
3. I want for both of us to know that when there are problems we will work together right away to resolve them. I want for you to trust that I'm out to make you look good, and for me to know the same. I want a clean, open relationship without hearing about issues bubbling up outside us.
4. I feel like the last training program was a miss and that you threw me under the bus. It is hard for me to trust you and to support you when I think you are going to damage my credibiity and reputation for your own ends. 

In this situation, I had her nodding at the first and then agreeing as I talked and saying she wanted the same thing. It opened up the conversation and showed what our relationship could be like. It also showed that I really cared both about her and about us. We ended up having a good heart to heart and I think we had a stronger relationship after the conversation.

Was it hard? HECK YEAH. Would it have been easier to bury it, stew about it, and then vent to everyone else? Oh yes. But I learned a really important lesson by forcing myself to take the high road. And I think we should all challenge ourselves to do the same.

Our authentic self

This week I had the chance to have lunch with an extremely successful and powerful business leader. She offered many words of advice, shared her experiences and perspectives, and encouraged me in my learning.

She said something that really stuck with me...

"Women are not strong enough yet to share the playing field"

What did she mean?

• There are not enough of us in leadership roles to really support each other
• We are competitive so we are careful about how we share information and help other women
• We can't separate the business from the personal - we get our feelings hurt and hold a grudge

It is in our wiring. I watch my girls learning not to brag, not to talk too much about themselves, not to boast. I've already heard "she thinks she is all that" as a put down. So we spend all our lives learning to downplay our accomplishments and then come in to work trying to act like a man - tooting our own horn. We aren't good at it, it doesn't feel good, and it usually doesn't work.

And we still look at the women who are at the top and we say "she thinks she is all that."

And when she comes to us for advise, we wonder if she wants it to just make herself look better.

We talked about reaching a certain age and being able to let go of the striving and competing. It seems that once we get here, our authentic self can emerge. Now... we can finally do the right things and stay true to our values.

• It doesn't matter how people perceive us - we finally know who we are
• We can help other women because we know now that the younger ones will be the ones to make the next big changes
• We don't worry so much about the personal stuff at work - it's just business
• And we have built up a network of friends to support us in the different areas of our lives

So maybe sometimes the learning really does take some years under the belt...

Character, values, and where the heck is this all going

I attended the monthly Turknett, Women in Leadership, event yesterday. Guido Sacchi, an old friend and colleague from Deloitte presented - great stuff as usual. Reminded me of the need to have some sort of compass as we travel through life. We talked about character and values.

'would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?'

'That depends a good deal on where you want to get to,' said the Cat.

'I don't much care where--' said Alice.

'Then it doesn't matter which way you go,' said the Cat.

'--so long as I get somewhere,' Alice added as an explanation.

'Oh, you're sure to do that,' said the Cat, 'if you only walk long enough.'

I know people (very intimidating - and frankly annoying) who always knew what they wanted to do when they grew up. I always freaked out (still do) when people ask me "so...what do you want to be when you grow up."

So if I don't have a "destination" am I destined to walk and walk? The more I think about it, that sounds OK to me. As long as the walk continues to take me to places that are interesting and rewarding. So there must be some criteria guiding me - the things that help me make decisions and determine the next move.

Makes me think about how I define myself and if I can really say who I am?

How can I be an effective leader if I am not clear about who I am and bring my whole, authentic self into my work? I think this is something women in particular want in their lives. The ones who get it right are so much more confident and interesting to work with.