trusting my intuition - and making the call

Last week I had an awkward sales call. I thought we were getting to know each other - "let's talk and decide if we want to work together". So I was prepared to have a deeper conversation about their problems, our philosophy, potential solutions, and how we might structure our work. I left feeling completely ambushed.

As I sat in the parking lot, dazed and confused, I thought about what happened. I didn't have the level of interaction and connection that I have come to expect. I didn't get any positive signals. A few things seemed really strange...

1. The guys I met with continued to stress how complex their change was... I thought OK so this is a relatively big change - restructuring, layoffs, and new roles. But in the big scheme of things?... not so complicated. I wondered - how come he thinks this is so complex?
2. They were concerned about our capacity and scale - how would we be able to ramp up, what happens if they don't like someone on the team... It seemed that he didn't get our approach at all. that we don't build a small empire and that we push the work back onto the managers to lead the change. that having a gigantic team of consultants is not going to change behaviors. They just kept pushing on how we would scale up and make sure people were available
3. They wanted industry experience...considering I had worked at their company for 8 months, I wasn't sure what this was all about. especially considering our variety of industries and depth of expertise. seemed really weird that they kept asking about this.

It seemed that they were looking for reasons to not hire us.

Today I found out that they selected a big-4 consulting firm to help them. All the pieces now fit together. Typical MO... this change is really big and complicated, you need a really big team, and you need a gigantic bench of resources in case it gets even bigger and more complicated. And we have deep industry experts who can provide deep industry expertise.

What I learned - hard, hard lessons.

• Why didn't I ask if they were looking at other consulting firms? - I could have easily turned the conversation around...
• Why didn't I stop the meeting and say that this was not what I expected? - I could have dug to find out what was really going on...
• Why didn't I do one more conversation prior to flying there to confirm expectations for the meeting? - if they met with the other firm and had different priorities I could have prepared...
• Why didn't I get skeptical when the main guy wasn't able to meet with us? - I could have rescheduled, or at least figured out what was going on...
• Why did I accept the meeting getting cut short because they were late?

Because I had worked there before, I had a direct referral, and our phone conversation went well... I trusted that the next step would be continuing to build the relationship. I haven't been side swiped by another firm before. I let my guard down, didn't read the signals, didn't take action when it was obviously needed, and lost the opportunity.

So what a great learning as I develop my sales acumen. But what a crappy way to have to learn these lessons. Hopefully I got it and don't have to learn this again.

the luxury of ignorance

Last week I was invited to a meeting to provide my "expert opinion." So I showed up not knowing anything - I didn't even know what the meeting was about. As I sat there listening to the group, I realized that I didn't have a clue what they were talking about.

"business transformation" 

"functional initiatives" 

"global optimization" 

"outsourcing"

"milestones" 

"buy in and adoption"

I finally interjected and said - I don't have a clue what you are talking about. They all sort of looked around for someone to explain it to me and realized that they didn't really know either. They had been so used to using these words that they couldn't explain simply what they were doing. We had a great conversation as they all tried to explain it to me in their own words. We also opened up some real misunderstandings and areas needing further discussion.

Being the new person in the room allows you to ask the "dumb" questions. The luxury of ignorance.

But what if we were prepared to own it we were confused? I have been afraid to ask the questions sometimes because it looked like everyone else knew what was going on and I didn't want to slow it down, or assumed I would be able to pick it up later, or thought I should already know this stuff.

It takes courage to ask questions or to say that you don't know something.

Last week Rod Odom, President of BellSouth, gave a great presentation on lessons he learned as a leader. He told a story from college which reminded me of this topic. He sat in a class for a week and didn't understand a thing the professor was talking about. He was about to drop the class when one of the other students stood up and told the professor that he couldn't follow any of the lectures. It turns out this class had been mislabeled in the curriculum as level 1 but was actually part 3 of a series. The professor restructured the class and Rod said it was the best class he ever took. I think about the courage it took for that one student to stand up. And the huge benefits the rest of the class (and the professor) got from it.

What a great learning.

Why is it so hard to let it go?

I was thinking about something I notice women leaders doing that I don't really see so much with men... and I think this is a big problem.

We were in an all day workshop with the executive team to clear up the reason for doing this project. Everyone in the room had a lot to say, there was lots of heated debate and conversation.

Eventually the group got down to debating what "the project" really is. Finally, after everyone had a chance to put their opinions on the table (at least once and for most people many more times), the CEO stepped in and made a decision. THIS IS WHAT THE PROJECT IS. He stood up and wrote it on the board.

Then we moved on.

Immediately after the meeting, I debriefed with the project manager. She said she was going to talk to him again because she doesn't agree and thinks he doesn't get it...

YIKES

This is where I think women have got to learn to let go and stop taking it so personally. I know that it is hard when we are so passionate about our position. I know it looks like we are giving up. I know we think we can convince him to change his mind...

Here is what I would ask you to consider. If you let go of your opinion now that the decision is made and fully support the decision, what are the possible outcomes?

• If the decision fails, the CEO will remember that you had a different opinion and that you still supported him. You will look good and will have earned the credibility to be listened to next time.
• If the decision succeeds, the CEO will remember that you had a different opinion and you supported the decision anyway. You will look good and will have earned some points.

If you continue to pursue your opinion, what are the possible outcomes?

• You will annoy the CEO and will send the message that he is being stupid - obviously not where you want to be.
• If this decision succeeds, the CEO will remember that you continued to pester him and you will have lost significant credibility.
• If it fails? the CEO doesn't need to have someone gloating and will probably not bring you around to fix it.

It is really important to let go and really support the decision that is made. If this means going to the CEO and explicitly saying "you know I have some concerns with the decision but I am trusting your decision and will fully support it" then go do it. But you need to really support it.

Trusting your instincts

My husband and I were talking about a friend who told us she was getting ready to have the "BRT" (big relationship talk) with her boyfriend. Remember those agonizing conversations?

• Where is this relationship going?
• What does this mean to you?
• Is this important or not?

Typically it ended in tears, frustration, or a big break-up.

Because we know the answer before we have the talk. If the answers to these questions aren't obvious by how we are being treated, and how we feel, then no big talk is going to clear it up. Words versus actions.

How many times do we put ourselves at a disadvantage and in a weak position because we ignore what is right in front of us???

I believe that women (in business as well as in personal relationships) have a good idea of the answers but we are trained to ignore the signals because our instincts/feelings are too soft.

• We don't trust what our body and heart are telling us and we try to focus on the data without using this soft stuff as great input.
• We get too tied up in our emotions to step away from a crappy situation. "we can make it better!"
• We want to make it right and make the other person like us so we keep trying and trying instead of moving on.

How do we read the signals? What do we do with this information?

• Step outside yourself and observe the behaviors of the other person. 
• Compare this to how others are being treated. Think about how you expect to be treated. Is you boss cutting you off in meetings? Are your peers leaving you out of meetings? Does your boyfriend ignore your requests? The data is there. By ignoring it, you are weakening yourself.
• Assume you have the information you need and look at options for change. 
• Is there a move you could make to another team? Could you move to another project? A new job? A new boyfriend? Recognizing the situation and taking responsibility should our default. 
• Discuss options and observations rationally. 
• Observe the reaction. If the suggestion to make a lateral move (or find a new boyfriend) is met with head nodding - you have the answer. They key is to present it in a logical/unemotional way with real options that the other person can help you with. 
• Map out the best way forward and do it. 
• Remember you can be much happier and more successful in a supportive environment.

I hope that I can help my girls make appropriate observations, read the signals around them, trust their heart and instincts, and take responsibility for their situation. I hope they can keep their power. I want them to avoid the weak and victim mentality that I see so many girls and women falling into.

Communication tips to help you get the respect you deserve

We are planning our next executive women's networking event. We will explore how to communicate and build relationships to achieve greater respect.

As always, the timing is perfect. This week I was shown that this is something I need to continue to work on. sigh... another learning opportunity.

As part of our planning, we shared our personal stories and listed our top 10 tips - based on our research, our experiences, and the stories we have heard. We will continue to refine our list after the event but here is our initial draft. Would love your thoughts, additions, and stories.

In creating this list we found many examples of when we missed the mark and how annoyed we get at others who can't get it right. It seems that we only hurt ourselves - our credibility, our trustworthiness, and our ability to be respected - when we can't get it right.  

1. Clearly communicate what is expected—the job and the working relationship—make sure people really get it
2. Listen, read the signals, and communicate appropriately—able to figure out what is really going on in the organization, in the hierarchy, and in relationships
3. Provide objective, direct feedback in a way that can be heard and is valued—leave people wanting to hear more
4. Always avoid gossiping about people—it is not constructive and shows you can’t be trusted
5. Explain when information is needed to make a decision, when a decision is made, and why that decision was made—especially to people who will not be satisfied with the decision
6. Explain what is going on behind closed doors—why certain people are involved and others are not
7. Keep conversations confidential—if in doubt ask but never share a conversation without permission
8. Use conversations to help people solve their own problems, clear obstacles, and listen—don’t jump in with solutions
9. Respect other’s time—schedule time to talk (limit busting in unexpected), give them time to prepare, and keep it on topic
10. Take time to let things work themselves out before jumping in—respond after giving yourself time to calmly assess the situation and always avoid email arguments

Sharing your story - making connections

This week we facilitated a session to jump start the relationship between a new leader and her team. As part of this exercise, we spend time with the team talking about their leader and gathering constructive feedback.

We had a situation where a woman leader was managing a team of nearly all women.

While there was strong consensus that this person is a leader in her field, a role model, and someone to learn from...

She was reserved and quiet... 

We heard what I felt to be an unusual amount of concern about her shy nature...

• "We don't know the real person"
• "We don't know how to connect to her"
• "We feel like we are working with a robot"
• "We don't know what she does outside of work"
• "We don't know what she likes to do for fun"
• "It's hard to relate to her"

I had to wonder, is this the woman-to-woman dynamic? When women work together is part of the relationship built on sharing personal information about ourselves? Do we hurt ourselves if we are too private?

We have learned to share our stories as a way to connect to other women. This is the grease in the relationship and allows for the hard conversations and helps us handle personal challenges. It helps us create a sense of empathy and camaraderie with our peers.

So if we don't share these stories with the women on our team, are we creating an uncomfortable dynamic? I think we are. And I think we can foster a much more collaborative environment by sharing who we are. But the stories we share at work are different than the ones we share with our girlfriends over wine.

• Share decisions you are considering (school for the kids, new home purchase, new car purchase...) - these are non-threatening ways of talking about things in your life and gathering information from others
• Share events/activities you are planning (movies, theater, sports, hobbies) - again non-threatening and a way to share some things that are important or relevant to you

Remember though, this is how to work with relational oriented people. Most women are relational and want this level of connection. Most men do not. So these stories would likely bore and frustrate a man because it is wasting time before getting to what is really important - work!

Look for cues as to how much the women (and men) on your team want to know about each other.
Are they asking about your weekend? your kids? your commute? Are they telling you about something they did? Try asking them about something outside work before you start your meeting and see what their reaction is. This will indicate their style.

We need to play to our strengths. When we work with women we have an advantage - we know how to connect and build relationships. We know how to share our stories. Not only does it make everyone feel better, it helps us get things done and it creates loyalty and trust. Take advantage of it!

multi-tasking vs. compartmentalizing

I'm reading The Male Factor by Shaunti Feldhahn. I'm not very far into it and am already amazed at the differences she has discovered between men and women at work. Apparently men compartmentalize and when they come to work, they are AT WORK. And when women come to work they are still participating in their life as a whole.

The past few days I have been working from home. I feel like I have been really productive in meeting my client's needs, having some great business development meetings, and networking.

During my "breaks" (and conference calls) I have done the following:

• Fix the stupid remote control so I can finally use my TV the civilized way
• Find the problem with the garbage disposal so it works again
• Erase my old hard drive, load snow leopard, and install all my husband's data so he can use my old laptop
• Wrap the girls' christmas presents

Clearly, I don't compartmentalize.

While my husband appreciates this work, he sees me as primarily goofing off during the day. "When are you going to get a real job?"

This book is giving me a new perspective on what I have already been picking up on. I think this is important... I can be great at multi-tasking and I won't be sharing this with my male colleagues. I'm going to try the "all business" approach next week in all my conversations and see what happens.

Respect - how to get it

Today I'm thinking about women leading change. What is working and what is not. I keep coming back to leadership and establishing ourselves as strong and effective guides.

What gets in our way?

I think we are focused too much on whether we are LIKED and not enough on whether we are RESPECTED. What does respect look like? What does disrespect look like? How do you clearly articulate what you expect from your team?

Story #1
Sue was leading a meeting. Her boss, Steve, kept jumping in and rambling on and disrupting the group. After the meeting he came in to her office to talk. He said it appeared that she was frustrated with him in the meeting. She told him she was. They talked. She agreed to be more respectful in the meetings and he agreed to let her run the meeting without rambling on. Sue told me that this would never have happened if her boss was a woman. She said that there would be lots of griping to her peers about the situation, the lack of support, and how the boss doesn't support her.

Story #2
Melinda, a finance executive, met with her direct report, Karen, to explain her new role. She thought the meeting went well. Then she started hearing from other people that Karen is bad-mouthing the project, rolling her eyes in meetings, and is disrupting the transition. Melinda doesn't know what to do to fix this behavior. She tried to encourage Karen indirectly and continued to monitor the situation. What would a man do? I think he would immediately call Karen in and tell her - hey this is what I've been hearing, what is going on? I don't want to hear this again.

Story #3
Darla, a new leader recently promoted to manage over 100 people, has been working with her teams to get them engaged and motivated. She is incredibly insecure about one of the teams because they don't like her. She has heard that they perceive her to be a "bitch." Now she is nervous and is doing all she can to make them see how wonderful she is. I think a man might say "so what? as long as they respect me we are fine".


I'm worried that we aren't good at having direct conversations about how we work together - and calling people out when they aren't behaving appropriately. We should expect people to treat us with respect - even if they don't respect us. We should know what this looks like and be able to identify disrespect quickly and deal with it immediately. This is what we need to do if we want to be seen as leaders.

Learning from bad experiences

This week I was thinking about some of my more painful and unfair experiences...and what I learned from them.

Years ago, I decided to leave my big, fancy, high-paying job where I was well-positioned and well-loved. I went off to join a small and rapidly growing start-up firm run by two of the smartest men I knew. I adored the insane hours, the travel, the incredibly intelligent people, the feeling of being part of a family, and the personal and professional learning.

After a few years though, I realized that things were not quite right. The partnership grew and then retracted, but only the women partners left.

I was a VP along with a handful of others. As I was planning my maternity leave (still traveling and leading the largest engagement for the firm), I was asked to consider coming back as a director. To be clear... this was a demotion.

I was stunned, confused, angry...

The obvious question, what had I done wrong? Why was this being suggested?

We still hadn't even defined any real roles or job descriptions or performance metrics for the different levels, so no one could give me a performance based reason as to why I should consider this move.

But several partners told me that they thought it would be easier for me when I had a new baby...

Have a baby = get a demotion

I also noticed that I was the only woman in the VP ranks...

Partnership = all white men

VP Level = all white men

This all seemed mighty odd...

So I simply ignored the "suggestion" when I came back after my leave. I went to our HR leader and told him that until someone could give me a performance based reason for taking a demotion, I would still be considering myself a VP.

Then I left... to go out on my own. Where I am doing the same work at a higher level with more creativity, having more fun, and I got rid of the pressure to prove something to a boss.

What did I learn?

• I do believe now that people really were trying to be helpful; but we couldn't have a good conversation because I was so insecure and angry
• If I stop worrying about what other people think about me, I can focus on the important things and free up energy to be more productive and have more fun
• I don't have to prove how good I am to anyone else
• I like to learn and want to learn but I don't need to feel inadequate to be a good learner

Now I notice when my ego is taking over. I notice when I am feeling defensive and angry. I pay attention to and trust my feelings. I try remember that all of us are doing the best we can.

And best of all, I know I can step away from the situation and be fine. What a terrific learning.

Learning from other women - WIT WOTY winners

Today I had the pleasure of attending a panel discussion with the winners of WIT's Woman of the Year Awards. What amazing women and so inspirational.

I loved the camaraderie in the room... the humor... the feeling that we are all in this together.

Sue Ellen Reager, the CEO and founder of @international Services, who told us about her career choices presented to her in high school. She could be either a secretary or a school teacher... but she had a bad attitude. She then went on to travel the world, learn 11 languages, teach herself to program. She has received an innovation award for her inventions. And now she oversees a virtual company with people in 70 countries.  but best of all? she met William Shatner. WOW. very memorable.

Barbara Carkenord, chief curriculum and strategist at B2T Training... who is getting married soon. Sharing the need to have direct conversations - YAY. Right after my own heart.

Sallie Graves, head of IT at ING, who loves college football, fantasy football, and all sports. Good thing she has boys!

Lisa McVey, VP, CIO at McKesson, who told us her big a-ha was when she found out that the executives didn't know all the answers and that their meetings weren't much different from the ones she had been going to.

Julie Untener, Director of Enterprise Applications at NCR, who grew up with seven sisters learning the power of girls and also how to navigate and get along.

I loved the themes that came out from all these women and the open, candid conversation. The way they shared funny and personal stories. The way they played off each other...

Here are some of the things I took away today.

When were you passed over and how did you handle it?

What struck me was 1) no one said - I haven't ever been passed over and 2) the answers were all about finding innovative and creative ways to deal with this situation.

Sue Ellen said that her bubbly personality was seen as cute but no one was buying from her. So she went on-line, signed her name as S. E. and ended up being very successful. Then by the time they met her, she already had the credibility.

What gets in our way?

The confidence theme kept coming up. We are good planners and we want it all planned out before we will raise our hand to take on risk. We are uncomfortable leaping without knowing we can do it. We see there are other experts out there who know more and can do it better... and we let them. As these successful women all stated... we need to get MUCH better at raising our hand and taking on the challenge even when we don't know if we can do it, we don't know how to do it, and we haven't ever done it before. We are smart and we can figure it out.

What do you do when you don't get supported by other women?

Have a direct conversation about it. Wow. This is something really hard for us to do. But what a great idea. It is so much easier to complain about it, gossip about the person who isn't supporting us, but wouldn't it be fantastic to have an open conversation about it? I think we need to hold each other accountable for having these conversations and not let one another get away with this behavior.

These are amazing women. These are women who want to help others. They are all actively supporting other women. LOVE IT!! What great role models for all of us.

Women on the Move - learning from trying

Today we launched our executive women's networking event in atlanta--Women on the Move. The adrenaline was flowing along with the coffee, conversation, and buzz. What I learned...

I can make something amazing happen...

• I need a partner with energy to match mine
• I need an inspiring idea and something to keep me focused
• With a good idea, a solid plan, and a lot of hard work - anything is possible

I will face moments of crippling doubt and anxiety...

• I don't know how to do this--there are people who are experts in this
• I don't know many executives in atlanta--maybe I am completely over my head
• This is crazy and untried and what if it completely fails

I can relax and laugh at myself even when completely stressing out...

• I need to rely on the strength of my partners and friends
• I need to trust that it will all work out as it is supposed to
• I need to remind myself that failing is just a different way of learning

And after all of this work and stress, we watched something wonderful unfold this morning. Women talking, laughing, sharing... truly connecting with each other. Even after the time was up, no one left. When they did leave, the left in groups or pairs--with their new friends.

We have done something important... now we need to figure out what it is and what comes next. And I need to have the confidence to step into the leadership role again--and act like I know what I am doing!

Establishing yourself and your team

When it comes to disciplining our girls, my husband tells me I am the "hammer" and I call him the "velvet glove." I think there are 3 really important elements to helping my girls learn to be successful in the world.

• Communicate expectations:  I tend to set very strict rules which I gradually ease up as the girls demonstrate they are responsible enough to manage themselves. I think that it is much easier to loosen up the reins than try to tighten them after the fact.
• Issue consequences: To reinforce the rules requires immediate and relevant consequences. A few years ago, when Amelia refused to stay on her chair at a restaurant, I marched her to the car, strapped her into the car seat, and left her there while we leisurely finished our dinner. Don't panic, we were sitting outside and the car was parked next to the patio. Today I can take her out to eat without ever worrying about how she will behave.
• Deliver what you promise: Always do what you say, even if it makes your life harder in the short term. It's important to really think about what you are saying BEFORE you say it. Last week I was grocery shopping with Katie Paige. She didn't want to walk next to me so I told her we going to go home and she would sit in her room until lunch if she did it again. So 10 minutes later I was leaving my grocery cart and driving home to send her to her room. I was ticked off that I would have to make another trip to the store, but I know she learned an important lesson and I won't have to do it again.

For me, these are the characteristics of being a good leader. Which comes back to how to establish yourself with a team you have inherited.

• Establish clear expectations, communicate them in a relevant and meaningful way, and hold people accountable to them. Don't let anyone off the hook until they demonstrate they can be trusted.
• Deliver immediate and relevant consequences if people are not meeting expectations. Everyone is watching you and wants to know what happens if they don't deliver.
• Think about what you say, say what you mean, and deliver what you promise.
• Most importantly, do this because you want these people to succeed. This is about helping them learn, grow, and get better. It's not about you.

Remember the really hard teachers who turned out to be the best ones? They came in really mean, they told us how hard the class was going to be, they scared us a little bit... and over time, if we were good, we learned a lot and we ended up respecting and maybe even liking them.

We tend to focus too much on whether people like us. We should focus more on whether they respect us. Once we build this respect, they may learn to like us.

My last thought on building a team. Get rid of people who aren't helping you create the team environment you want. It is easier to on-board a new hire than to deal with the constant turmoil of an unhappy team member.

Of course, I can't do this with my girls but they don't really have a choice either - we have to figure out a way to work together. Plus I can't think of anyone else I would rather have on my team.

Can friendships at work work?

How to maintain friendships at work? There are so many land mines waiting to hurt the friendship -

• Did she ask me that to make herself look better?
• Is she using what she knows about me to make me look bad?
• Did she just say that to me in front of everyone?
• Was that a joke or was she serious?
• OMG I didn't want her to share that story

Then we stew... and stew... back away from the friendship and promise ourselves to separate work and and personal relationships. So we are back in the same situation - separating our relationships.

Ultimately I think this comes down to women having a hard time telling someone when they are angry, hurt, or embarrassed. So they keep it inside. And they tell other people about it. And ultimately the relationship sours.

We can take a lesson from watching how men handle it. They confront the issue - "dude that was really uncalled for" - and then they go play golf together.

I've found that focusing on the relationship, taking a deep breath, and having a real conversation does strengthen a relationship. Here are the questions to contemplate:

1. What do you want for her? - really put yourself into her shoes and consider what she wants
2. What do you want for you? - use positive words
3. NOW the most important part - what do you want for the relationship? What would it feel like?
4. Finally, how has the current situation impacted this and how could you see it differently in the future.

It goes like this - a real example...

1. Listen, I want you to get credit for the wonderful job you did designing the training program. I want you to be seen as a leader in this area. I want you to be confident that I am supporting you in this and that I am reinforcing your leadership in this area.
2. I want to count on you to deliver what you promise when you promise. I want to get wonderful feedback about the experience from the trainees. I want to hear the client leadership team talking about us in a positive way.
3. I want for both of us to know that when there are problems we will work together right away to resolve them. I want for you to trust that I'm out to make you look good, and for me to know the same. I want a clean, open relationship without hearing about issues bubbling up outside us.
4. I feel like the last training program was a miss and that you threw me under the bus. It is hard for me to trust you and to support you when I think you are going to damage my credibiity and reputation for your own ends. 

In this situation, I had her nodding at the first and then agreeing as I talked and saying she wanted the same thing. It opened up the conversation and showed what our relationship could be like. It also showed that I really cared both about her and about us. We ended up having a good heart to heart and I think we had a stronger relationship after the conversation.

Was it hard? HECK YEAH. Would it have been easier to bury it, stew about it, and then vent to everyone else? Oh yes. But I learned a really important lesson by forcing myself to take the high road. And I think we should all challenge ourselves to do the same.

Tips for women leading change

I'm in the process of writing an article on women leading change. The way we lead change is different - where we focus our energy, pitfalls to avoid, and taking advantage of what we already do well. 

These are the top 10 I have come up with so far. I would love your thoughts on these or others.

Slaying the dragons

1. Build a team you trust and enjoy working with
2. Clarify what you expect – both the roles and the relationship
3. Take credit for your work – and recognize your team’s effort
4. Work with your team to create the change story – use them to engage the organization
5. Create your own infrastructure to keep a pulse of the organization
6. Build your internal and external support/advisory group – ask for help
7. Be authentic – share your story and why this is important to you
8. Ask for other’s stories – find out what is important to them
9. Support others (especially women) and help them grow
10. Stop waiting to become the expert – step into it with confidence

Atlanta's book of lists - where are the women?

Last night I was reviewing the Atlanta Book of Lists. While I was gathering information and creating my spreadsheet, suddenly, I realized that I was seeing page after page of white men. I couldn't resist the urge to start counting the faces. Here are the stats (note that I was only looking at pictures so I did make assumptions on the race).

• best places to work (large) - 2 women out of 10 execs (all white)
• best places to work (medium) - NO women out of 27 execs (all white)
• best places to work (small) - 7 women out of 29 execs (all white)
• fastest growing private companies - 5 women out of 26 execs(looks like there is one hispanic man in the mix)
• top 25 private companies - NO women out of 25 execs (all white)
• top 25 public companies - NO women out of 25 execs (all white)
• top 25 highest paid executives - top 24 are men, #25 is a woman

Now I don't want to jump to any conclusions here, but this seems a bit skewed to me.

my best friend Beth and me 1986

I remember when I was in college and we were so optimistic that there were women in front of us paving the way. We thought for sure that we would be right behind them breaking through and getting to the top. That was 25 years ago. This weekend I heard a group of young women explaining that the reason there were not more women yet in representative numbers in leadership roles was simply a pipeline issue. That was the same story I heard 25 years ago. Seriously.

sweet and happy 

What will I tell my daughters? Will they be hoping for another big pipeline influx? Will they encounter these same stats? I sure hope not.

Stephanie and I are launching an executive women's networking event next month. Our hope is to encourage women to help each other - through introductions and information. We want to see powerful women building new relationships.

Building a team - dealing with intimidation

I’m working with Elizabeth, a senior executive in Finance. She is responsible for completely reshaping the accounting organization – outsourcing, segmenting roles, restructuring, raising the skill level and expertise…

She is incredibly smart, funny, and professional. She also sees herself in a bigger role someday. She was surprised when she found out that people were intimidated and afraid of her. Even her direct reports were not willing to ask her questions or tell her what they were thinking.

Elizabeth took this personally. She worried about how to engage better, how to be less intimidating, what could be causing this. She swung between “I don’t care, I just need to get this done” to “what can I do to relate better with my employees”. She thought about situations where she might have said something differently, and other situations where she did something that seemed to engage people positively. 

This thinking was taking up a whole lot of energy that would be spent better on other things. And I realized that I hadn’t ever had this conversation with the men executives I had worked with.

• Women executives are more likely to deal with issues with intimidation because of the degree of power and authority they have. 
• Women have a need for a team to really collaborate with – people want to work with people we like and people we trust. 
• Women are more sensitive to how they are being perceived. And it is harder for us to separate the personal relationship from the professional relationship. It hurts our feelings when people don't like us or say mean things about us (and it really ticks us off).

So we spend a lot of time trying to be less intimidating, pulling our team together, and worrying about what people are saying and whether they like us or not. It is frankly quite exhausting.

• Get out there and talk to your “team”. Instead of staying in your head, take action. It’s your job as a leader to get your direct reports playing well together.
• Tell them what you want to achieve, share your stories. Find out who they are, what they really enjoy doing, what brings them to work each day.
• Talk about why you need them on the team. What do they do that you like?
• And most importantly, tell them what you like and don’t like. We tend to focus on the job and tasks at hand. Elizabeth needed to tell people her criteria: that she hated to be surprised about problems and concerns (hearing them in the hall drove her crazy) – she wanted people to tell her directly. She also liked well thought out options and ideas when people were presenting problems (people coming in to vent and complain irritated her). This helped people know what to do to build their credibility and relationship with her.
• Finally, if you have someone on your team who doesn't fit, make a change. I've seen women keep a person because of a skill/experience level but who was disrespectful and sabotaging their efforts. Is this making life better? easier?  

When we run into these challenges – rumors, intimidation, relationship-related issues – I’ve seen a tendency, especially with women, to hope it will all work out. To think if we keep plowing ahead, ignoring the problem, and making progress, the problems will somehow sort themselves out. But we can make our lives and our work so much more enjoyable by dealing with these challenges. Telling people what you expect helps. Getting to know them and sharing your own stories helps. 

Building relationships and trust takes time and it may mean we need to be uncomfortable for a while.

Character, values, and where the heck is this all going

I attended the monthly Turknett, Women in Leadership, event yesterday. Guido Sacchi, an old friend and colleague from Deloitte presented - great stuff as usual. Reminded me of the need to have some sort of compass as we travel through life. We talked about character and values.

'would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?'

'That depends a good deal on where you want to get to,' said the Cat.

'I don't much care where--' said Alice.

'Then it doesn't matter which way you go,' said the Cat.

'--so long as I get somewhere,' Alice added as an explanation.

'Oh, you're sure to do that,' said the Cat, 'if you only walk long enough.'

I know people (very intimidating - and frankly annoying) who always knew what they wanted to do when they grew up. I always freaked out (still do) when people ask me "so...what do you want to be when you grow up."

So if I don't have a "destination" am I destined to walk and walk? The more I think about it, that sounds OK to me. As long as the walk continues to take me to places that are interesting and rewarding. So there must be some criteria guiding me - the things that help me make decisions and determine the next move.

Makes me think about how I define myself and if I can really say who I am?

How can I be an effective leader if I am not clear about who I am and bring my whole, authentic self into my work? I think this is something women in particular want in their lives. The ones who get it right are so much more confident and interesting to work with.