Trusting your instincts

My husband and I were talking about a friend who told us she was getting ready to have the "BRT" (big relationship talk) with her boyfriend. Remember those agonizing conversations?

• Where is this relationship going?
• What does this mean to you?
• Is this important or not?

Typically it ended in tears, frustration, or a big break-up.

Because we know the answer before we have the talk. If the answers to these questions aren't obvious by how we are being treated, and how we feel, then no big talk is going to clear it up. Words versus actions.

How many times do we put ourselves at a disadvantage and in a weak position because we ignore what is right in front of us???

I believe that women (in business as well as in personal relationships) have a good idea of the answers but we are trained to ignore the signals because our instincts/feelings are too soft.

• We don't trust what our body and heart are telling us and we try to focus on the data without using this soft stuff as great input.
• We get too tied up in our emotions to step away from a crappy situation. "we can make it better!"
• We want to make it right and make the other person like us so we keep trying and trying instead of moving on.

How do we read the signals? What do we do with this information?

• Step outside yourself and observe the behaviors of the other person. 
• Compare this to how others are being treated. Think about how you expect to be treated. Is you boss cutting you off in meetings? Are your peers leaving you out of meetings? Does your boyfriend ignore your requests? The data is there. By ignoring it, you are weakening yourself.
• Assume you have the information you need and look at options for change. 
• Is there a move you could make to another team? Could you move to another project? A new job? A new boyfriend? Recognizing the situation and taking responsibility should our default. 
• Discuss options and observations rationally. 
• Observe the reaction. If the suggestion to make a lateral move (or find a new boyfriend) is met with head nodding - you have the answer. They key is to present it in a logical/unemotional way with real options that the other person can help you with. 
• Map out the best way forward and do it. 
• Remember you can be much happier and more successful in a supportive environment.

I hope that I can help my girls make appropriate observations, read the signals around them, trust their heart and instincts, and take responsibility for their situation. I hope they can keep their power. I want them to avoid the weak and victim mentality that I see so many girls and women falling into.