Learning from bad experiences

This week I was thinking about some of my more painful and unfair experiences...and what I learned from them.

Years ago, I decided to leave my big, fancy, high-paying job where I was well-positioned and well-loved. I went off to join a small and rapidly growing start-up firm run by two of the smartest men I knew. I adored the insane hours, the travel, the incredibly intelligent people, the feeling of being part of a family, and the personal and professional learning.

After a few years though, I realized that things were not quite right. The partnership grew and then retracted, but only the women partners left.

I was a VP along with a handful of others. As I was planning my maternity leave (still traveling and leading the largest engagement for the firm), I was asked to consider coming back as a director. To be clear... this was a demotion.

I was stunned, confused, angry...

The obvious question, what had I done wrong? Why was this being suggested?

We still hadn't even defined any real roles or job descriptions or performance metrics for the different levels, so no one could give me a performance based reason as to why I should consider this move.

But several partners told me that they thought it would be easier for me when I had a new baby...

Have a baby = get a demotion

I also noticed that I was the only woman in the VP ranks...

Partnership = all white men

VP Level = all white men

This all seemed mighty odd...

So I simply ignored the "suggestion" when I came back after my leave. I went to our HR leader and told him that until someone could give me a performance based reason for taking a demotion, I would still be considering myself a VP.

Then I left... to go out on my own. Where I am doing the same work at a higher level with more creativity, having more fun, and I got rid of the pressure to prove something to a boss.

What did I learn?

• I do believe now that people really were trying to be helpful; but we couldn't have a good conversation because I was so insecure and angry
• If I stop worrying about what other people think about me, I can focus on the important things and free up energy to be more productive and have more fun
• I don't have to prove how good I am to anyone else
• I like to learn and want to learn but I don't need to feel inadequate to be a good learner

Now I notice when my ego is taking over. I notice when I am feeling defensive and angry. I pay attention to and trust my feelings. I try remember that all of us are doing the best we can.

And best of all, I know I can step away from the situation and be fine. What a terrific learning.

Maintaining our composure at work

Earlier this week I had breakfast with three women and we somehow ended up sharing our crying at work disasters.

• I remember being in tears arguing with my boss on the phone. He snapped "are you CRYING??? We don't cry in this profession - wash your face and get in here now."
• One senior executive woman told us about being so surprised and angry when told that a male colleague got the promotion that she knew she deserved, she burst into tears. The executive who saw her cry never looked at her the same after that.
• We all talked about trying to hold it together until we were in a safe place. About seeing our colleagues trying to hold it together and not being sure how to deal with it.

I'm usually pretty even tempered and can handle high stress and emotionally charged situations. I find that if I prepare well, I'm less likely to get hit with something that upsets me so I can maintain my calm composure. But then there are those times when something triggers me and I am surprised by the reactions I have.

• What are your triggers? 
• What's your worst emotional moment at work?
• How do you handle the emotions? 
• What do you do when you see someone about to lose it?

Do women take it too personally?

The last few weeks have been an emotional roller coaster. Moments of wild anticipation balanced by moments of utter dejection.

• My client doesn't call me; I think I must have done something wrong.
• I have a good meeting but then don't hear anything back; I am certain I must have said something disastrous.
• Everything is moving along brilliantly in a sales pursuit and then it goes silent; I agonize about everything I said and did that could have messed it up.

I have a tendency to assume that when things go wrong it must be something I did. I relive what happened and consider all sides of the situations... again and again... Is this a gender issue? If so, how much energy do we waste worrying about  and rehashing what is out of our control?

I want to continue learning and improving. But I wonder if we take it too far and we try to learn from experiences that are not learning grounds.

When it might be better to let it go and let things progress without the emotional energy tied to them.

I'm trying to relax and let things happen as they are supposed to happen. Everything always works out.