It's OK to be a beginner

This month, Amelia has been spending hours every day asking how to spell words, copying words from books, and writing and writing and writing. When she wakes up, the first thing she does is grab her paper and pencil. She returns to her writing every chance she can.

This weekend she snuck away during dinner to practice her "words." She came back to the table and proudly presented:

A: What's this say?

Me: Grila?

A: YES! (she grinned from ear-to-ear and proudly pointed to her zoo camp shirt with the gorilla on it)

I was floored. She did it! Watching the focus, discipline, and time that she dedicated every day to learning... day after day... to finally present her first word written all by herself was DAUNTING!

Nothing stopped her. It didn't matter that it wasn't spelled right... that it wasn't neat and tidy... that other people wrote better, faster, and prettier. She was so proud of herself that she got it. All by herself.

Where does this desire to learn come from? I imagine how much better I might be if I spent a fraction of that energy to learn something new... do something hard... to get out of my comfort zone.

If I could get rid of that inner voice that tell me it is hard, that it isn't worth it, that I am going to look silly, that someone else already knows how to do it (and they are better anyway)...

This is a reminder to open up to possibilities. It is OK to look like a beginner.

It's Showtime! - positive thinking

Yesterday I asked Amelia to come with me outside. She complained about the mosquitoes. I told her that there are no mosquitoes in the Fall, that is why Fall is so wonderful.

A: but it is too cold

Me: you have a choice in your thinking--you can think about the good things or the bad things... because there are good and bad with everything.

A: oh... so like we can find beautiful leaves in the Fall

Me: YAY

This conversation reminded me that positive thinking really is a choice. As leaders, a positive attitude will foster a positive environment. People like to be around positive people.

My favorite things to say when hearing something new, challenging, or crazy are:

• you could be right (BTW this is a GREAT one for my marriage)
• what if... (consider what good things could happen)
• yes and (forcing yourself to build on the idea)

Today I am trying to watch what I say and do. I want to see how positive I can be... reframing situations to look at the positive sides. And remembering to use those 3 phrases as often as possible...

Making choices - the good, bad, and ugly

Yesterday I went to my bibliobabes book club. We discussed "how successful people think" by John Maxwell. Good discussion on how we think.

• Can we change our thinking?
• Where do you do your best thinking?
• Should we devote time to thinking?
• Big picture thinking?
• Prioritizing and staying focused on what matters most

Lots of great ideas for staying at a strategic level, motivating others to come along, and using different techniques at work and at home. Loved the quote below:

Imagination is more important than knowledge - albert einstein

Then it got depressing for me...

One of the women brought up her 16 year old daughter. She was surprised at a number of her friends who have already targeted "being a wife and a mother" as their post college aspiration. And another successful friend who told her that his daughter has already said she is going to college to get her MRS degree.

I have to admit that I found this really disturbing. It feels so backwards. But then I started wondering - is this what we meant when we talked about choices? This is a choice. Can I change my thinking to celebrate these girls and their choices? nope... I cannot.

It seems they have missed the joy of doing challenging work, stimulating their brains, learning new things, forcing themselves to solve hard problems... I know being a mom is challenging and rewarding. But I also know that it is not particularly stimulating for my brain.

Of course I am one to think about all the different scenarios and what ifs. Like what do you do if you end up without a husband? Or if you can't have children? And what happens when your children leave home? Or if your husband decides to find another "option"?

And really--is putting your husband and children first the best way to live your life? What is important to you and what do you love to do and what are you passionate about?

I just get depressed. What are these girls learning from us, from their teachers, from society? Is this enough? Are we moving in the right direction?

Jump start your mentoring relationship

Today I was surprised again at how we can be successful when we are so lousy at forming strong mentoring relationships.

Here is a successful, talented, and ambitious woman executive who has been matched with a mentor who happens to be one of the top 50 most powerful women in business today. I would think this is a match made in heaven! Hurrah! But NO! what has happened? What is going on???

• They have met for coffee
• It feels awkward
• My client doesn't know where to go with this so hasn't really pursued the relationship

What is so frustrating is that this is not an isolated event - we aren't very good at this mentoring thing. We don't know what it is supposed to look like or how to get it jump started.

I've been thinking about boys. I see them forming relationships with their coaches, being brought along, given opportunities when they are seen as high potential, and actively groomed to be better. They are used to getting feedback, being pushed, and expect to have someone fill this role. When they get into college they seem to form bonds with older boys and seek out advise on how to be successful. The ones who don't seem to flounder. Or drop out.

Then there are girls... we don't seem to have the same model. We are supposed to be nice... and self effacing... and put others first... And then we are expected to figure out how to "be mentored." As usual, here are my thoughts on how to make this work.

• Know what you want for yourself and be specific - feedback on how you are being perceived? access to senior leaders? consideration for big projects? promotion to next level? broader business knowledge? visibility outside the company? lateral move to a more interesting department? 
• The more specific you can be, the easier it will be for your mentor to help you. Continue to consider and refine after each conversation. Use this as an opportunity to focus on yourself (I know... this is hard)
• Be explicit with your sponsor on how you would like the relationship to work - how often to meet, how to structure the meetings, what to do when a conflict arises (reschedule, cancel?), who is responsible for scheduling the meetings. 
• Let him/her know why you believe this is the right relationship and what you will bring to the table. This is when you can bring them new perspectives, what you are observing in the rank and file, suggestions for what they might do to help get their message across in a different way. This unfiltered information is valuable - leaders want to get it and you can deliver!
• Get feedback from others who have mentoring relationships with your mentor - how does it work for them, what have they learned?
• Be prepared for every conversation with your mentor - make an agenda (and send it in advance), bring in samples of what you are working on or what you have completed, bring questions or needs, discuss what you have done since the last time you met and what you have learned, spend time talking about what you are observing in the organization, make sure you take away a few actions for both of you and follow up after the meeting
• Make notes of specific things your mentor told you (personal and business related) - for example, if you find out that her child is starting college, make a note to ask about how it is going when you see her next
• You are building a relationship. Every interaction should show you are serious about this.

I've got your back, baby

Remember you are in the driver's seat - your mentor can't help you unless you give him or her direction.

We have got to get better at this. Get out there! Practice! Make it work.

Be careful what you ask for

As a leader, getting objective and unfiltered information is required. But hearing this information is hard. It can feel like you are being attacked, that no one appreciates all the good things you have done, that it is a bunch of whining and complaining.

If you ask people what is going on in the organization... be prepared for what you will hear.

• Are you ready to hear that people don't trust you or like you?
• The communication you thought went so well was not understood or caused confusion?
• The carefully orchestrated processes to engage your organization left out key people?
• The people you expected to be most on board are the ones most frustrated or angry?

The list goes on. Can you really hear this and acknowledge the truth in what is being said? If not, then don't ask because you will just end up hurting your credibility and creating more distrust--no one will bring you information again.

The recommended response?

• Accept the information with a "THANK YOU" - this is a gift
• You don't need to answer questions - give yourself time to really process what is being said
• Take the key messages - what are people REALLY concerned about?
• Determine what you need to address and what you don't
• Circle back and clarify what you are thinking of doing or saying

Remember, how you receive this information will influence how you are perceived as a leader.

When do we worry about lay-offs?

Today at my client... two senior level peers were impacted by lay-offs.

One of them has worried incessantly about lay-offs. Has read between the lines on closed door meetings, made inferences about how people are being treated, and agonized about what was being said and not said. Shared concerns with peers and consultants. Nosed around to find any speck of information about potential org changes. Spent the past two days sick and ready to vomit.

The other one didn't notice any of these things going on. And was completely caught off guard and stunned when the news came.

Which one was the woman?

Taking a stand

I'm in the middle of a dilemma. I know of someone who is laying off people this week. Her HR VP has advised her to do this in a group setting to avoid "leaks."

My colleague understands the implications of doing a layoff in this way. I've strongly encouraged her to have individual meetings with each person and give them some privacy. I've told her that how she treats them will have ripple effects across the organization. I've begged and pleaded for her to consider alternatives...

While I know I have credibility with this person, she is still going forward with the group layoff.

Why? I believe it is because the HR VP who is advising her is an "expert in his field". He brings the prestige of coming from a VERY large and powerful company. He is big and commanding. He speaks with authority! And frankly he is very good at his job.

Is he right? I don't know. Sometimes we have to trust our gut. I think women have a better ability to empathize and anticipate how people are going to feel and react in stressful situations. My gut is telling me that this decision is going to add to the distrust and disillusionment in the organization.

As women who lead change, we should be willing to take advantage of our intuition, our gut instincts, and our ability to anticipate reactions. We should be able to state our case and the implied implications with confidence. Bringing new information and thinking is always valuable - even to an expert.

math is hard

The hardest part of making the big sale for women selling professional services?  the pricing conversation.

The hardest part of buying services for executive women?  the pricing conversation.

Why is this so hard?

• We have taken the time to build a good, trusting relationship. We like the other person and can imagine working together. 
• Then we shift gears to negotiating price... we have set it up to be a confrontational "win/lose" situation. (Think car buying). 

Women don't like this, aren't comfortable doing it, and I believe our reluctance to learn to do it well is hurting us.

I think about the last senior executive woman I worked with. When we went through all the "getting to know you" steps and finally came down to discussing the price, she told me she hated these conversations. I laughed and said I did too. It loosened things up and I realized that it isn't just on my end that it seems awkward and uncomfortable.

I have read the books on selling and negotiating. Some are good, some not so much. But here is what I find works for me.

Prepare a "discussion document" vs. a proposal

When putting together the proposal--think of it as a discussion document (until it is signed). 

• Use it as a way to engage in a conversation. 
• Find out what works on their end, do they have other resources that could help? 
• Are there other considerations that might change how you structure your work or your team?
• Don't talk pricing until both of you are comfortable that you understand each other - what the problem is, how you might work together to solve it, and what you are proposing.

By working together to revise, refine, and create the final version - you are giving a taste of what it will be like to work together, you are showing that you understand her needs and are flexible in your solution, and you come up with a better solution.

Prepare pricing options and scenarios vs. a pricing number

Once the nuts and bolts are figured out, then you come up with pricing OPTIONS. I'm always surprised at what comes out of these conversations. I will present resources and different models - as an example, perhaps some strategic oversight with some day-to-day support and a few workshops... which ends up turning into much more time for strategic help, one of their people running workshops, and a more senior person doing capability transfer. I would never know what they really want (and they wouldn't either) without presenting different scenarios and finding out what makes sense.

Be open to new ideas... seriously

We tend to glom onto the solution (which we know is right, of course) and then pretend to listen and make a few changes to appear flexible. This is not what I'm talking about. This is why I think it is important to lay out at least 2 different scenerios in the discussion. Force yourself to think about another way to meet the client's need.

I see 3 options here...

1. Learn to sell like a man
2. Learn to sell in a new way
3. Fail to sell...

I like option 2.