Sharing your story - making connections

This week we facilitated a session to jump start the relationship between a new leader and her team. As part of this exercise, we spend time with the team talking about their leader and gathering constructive feedback.

We had a situation where a woman leader was managing a team of nearly all women.

While there was strong consensus that this person is a leader in her field, a role model, and someone to learn from...

She was reserved and quiet... 

We heard what I felt to be an unusual amount of concern about her shy nature...

• "We don't know the real person"
• "We don't know how to connect to her"
• "We feel like we are working with a robot"
• "We don't know what she does outside of work"
• "We don't know what she likes to do for fun"
• "It's hard to relate to her"

I had to wonder, is this the woman-to-woman dynamic? When women work together is part of the relationship built on sharing personal information about ourselves? Do we hurt ourselves if we are too private?

We have learned to share our stories as a way to connect to other women. This is the grease in the relationship and allows for the hard conversations and helps us handle personal challenges. It helps us create a sense of empathy and camaraderie with our peers.

So if we don't share these stories with the women on our team, are we creating an uncomfortable dynamic? I think we are. And I think we can foster a much more collaborative environment by sharing who we are. But the stories we share at work are different than the ones we share with our girlfriends over wine.

• Share decisions you are considering (school for the kids, new home purchase, new car purchase...) - these are non-threatening ways of talking about things in your life and gathering information from others
• Share events/activities you are planning (movies, theater, sports, hobbies) - again non-threatening and a way to share some things that are important or relevant to you

Remember though, this is how to work with relational oriented people. Most women are relational and want this level of connection. Most men do not. So these stories would likely bore and frustrate a man because it is wasting time before getting to what is really important - work!

Look for cues as to how much the women (and men) on your team want to know about each other.
Are they asking about your weekend? your kids? your commute? Are they telling you about something they did? Try asking them about something outside work before you start your meeting and see what their reaction is. This will indicate their style.

We need to play to our strengths. When we work with women we have an advantage - we know how to connect and build relationships. We know how to share our stories. Not only does it make everyone feel better, it helps us get things done and it creates loyalty and trust. Take advantage of it!

multi-tasking vs. compartmentalizing

I'm reading The Male Factor by Shaunti Feldhahn. I'm not very far into it and am already amazed at the differences she has discovered between men and women at work. Apparently men compartmentalize and when they come to work, they are AT WORK. And when women come to work they are still participating in their life as a whole.

The past few days I have been working from home. I feel like I have been really productive in meeting my client's needs, having some great business development meetings, and networking.

During my "breaks" (and conference calls) I have done the following:

• Fix the stupid remote control so I can finally use my TV the civilized way
• Find the problem with the garbage disposal so it works again
• Erase my old hard drive, load snow leopard, and install all my husband's data so he can use my old laptop
• Wrap the girls' christmas presents

Clearly, I don't compartmentalize.

While my husband appreciates this work, he sees me as primarily goofing off during the day. "When are you going to get a real job?"

This book is giving me a new perspective on what I have already been picking up on. I think this is important... I can be great at multi-tasking and I won't be sharing this with my male colleagues. I'm going to try the "all business" approach next week in all my conversations and see what happens.

Respect - how to get it

Today I'm thinking about women leading change. What is working and what is not. I keep coming back to leadership and establishing ourselves as strong and effective guides.

What gets in our way?

I think we are focused too much on whether we are LIKED and not enough on whether we are RESPECTED. What does respect look like? What does disrespect look like? How do you clearly articulate what you expect from your team?

Story #1
Sue was leading a meeting. Her boss, Steve, kept jumping in and rambling on and disrupting the group. After the meeting he came in to her office to talk. He said it appeared that she was frustrated with him in the meeting. She told him she was. They talked. She agreed to be more respectful in the meetings and he agreed to let her run the meeting without rambling on. Sue told me that this would never have happened if her boss was a woman. She said that there would be lots of griping to her peers about the situation, the lack of support, and how the boss doesn't support her.

Story #2
Melinda, a finance executive, met with her direct report, Karen, to explain her new role. She thought the meeting went well. Then she started hearing from other people that Karen is bad-mouthing the project, rolling her eyes in meetings, and is disrupting the transition. Melinda doesn't know what to do to fix this behavior. She tried to encourage Karen indirectly and continued to monitor the situation. What would a man do? I think he would immediately call Karen in and tell her - hey this is what I've been hearing, what is going on? I don't want to hear this again.

Story #3
Darla, a new leader recently promoted to manage over 100 people, has been working with her teams to get them engaged and motivated. She is incredibly insecure about one of the teams because they don't like her. She has heard that they perceive her to be a "bitch." Now she is nervous and is doing all she can to make them see how wonderful she is. I think a man might say "so what? as long as they respect me we are fine".


I'm worried that we aren't good at having direct conversations about how we work together - and calling people out when they aren't behaving appropriately. We should expect people to treat us with respect - even if they don't respect us. We should know what this looks like and be able to identify disrespect quickly and deal with it immediately. This is what we need to do if we want to be seen as leaders.

women managers need sponsors not mentors

To get to the top levels in an organization, we need a sponsor in the executive ranks. 


This means someone to advocate for us, to position us in high visibility roles, to introduce us to leaders and help us forge relationships with these people, to help us navigate the politics... someone who will use some of their own political capital to pull us along.


The Center for Work-Life Policy (CWLP) is releasing a study next month in the Harvard Business Review showing that women are not making it to the top ranks of leadership because they don't have the powerful backing required to push them there.


I've been calling these advocates "mentors". My coach and marketing guru has argued consistently that we can't have good mentors inside our own organization. I finally get it (thanks Mike). What we need are not mentors, what we need are SPONSORS. Mentors give advise and perspective. Sponsors aggressively pull you into the leadership ranks. Definitely need both... but mentors alone will not get you to the highest levels.


The CWLP says that having a sponsor boosts your prospect of advancement by 19% for women (and 23% for men).


So what is keeping women from getting these sponsors to help us along? 


Theory #1 - this relationship looks sketchy


I forwarded this article to my colleague and said I saw her having a very solid sponsor behind her in her last job. Then she reminded me of another situation...

She had a great sponsor... an influential leader, well networked, and able to pull her along to the highest visibility projects. He spent a huge amount of time with her, coaching her, introducing her formally and informally to the "right" people, supporting her through rough situations, providing air cover as she learned, and continuing to be her advocate at the leadership levels. This required a lot of time. Unfortunately one of his peers assumed they must be having an affair and reported it to HR. I can't imagine the embarrassment on both sides as they defended themselves publicly and privately. 

So the typical sponsor relationship can look a lot like an affair. A lot of wonderful opportunities are missed because men and women on both sides are reluctant to be perceived in this way.


But if the risk of people making incorrect assumptions is keeping us from forming these powerful relationships, how else do we get ahead? Can we make it less risky?


Theory #2 - we aren't comfortable creating these type of relationships


Having this sort of sponsor relationship will make us stand out as something special. We will get attention from our peers and our bosses. For women who have been trained not to brag and not to stand out from their peers, this can be really uncomfortable. It just takes a "who does she think she is" to make us wonder if it is worth it. 


I've seen women try to balance this by being totally self effacing about the relationship to the point that it is embarrassing. They won't take any credit for being worth this effort or even wanting to have this sort of attention. 


I wish we could be thrilled for ourselves and for our colleagues when one of us manages to get this level of support. This is good for all of us.

Learning from bad experiences

This week I was thinking about some of my more painful and unfair experiences...and what I learned from them.

Years ago, I decided to leave my big, fancy, high-paying job where I was well-positioned and well-loved. I went off to join a small and rapidly growing start-up firm run by two of the smartest men I knew. I adored the insane hours, the travel, the incredibly intelligent people, the feeling of being part of a family, and the personal and professional learning.

After a few years though, I realized that things were not quite right. The partnership grew and then retracted, but only the women partners left.

I was a VP along with a handful of others. As I was planning my maternity leave (still traveling and leading the largest engagement for the firm), I was asked to consider coming back as a director. To be clear... this was a demotion.

I was stunned, confused, angry...

The obvious question, what had I done wrong? Why was this being suggested?

We still hadn't even defined any real roles or job descriptions or performance metrics for the different levels, so no one could give me a performance based reason as to why I should consider this move.

But several partners told me that they thought it would be easier for me when I had a new baby...

Have a baby = get a demotion

I also noticed that I was the only woman in the VP ranks...

Partnership = all white men

VP Level = all white men

This all seemed mighty odd...

So I simply ignored the "suggestion" when I came back after my leave. I went to our HR leader and told him that until someone could give me a performance based reason for taking a demotion, I would still be considering myself a VP.

Then I left... to go out on my own. Where I am doing the same work at a higher level with more creativity, having more fun, and I got rid of the pressure to prove something to a boss.

What did I learn?

• I do believe now that people really were trying to be helpful; but we couldn't have a good conversation because I was so insecure and angry
• If I stop worrying about what other people think about me, I can focus on the important things and free up energy to be more productive and have more fun
• I don't have to prove how good I am to anyone else
• I like to learn and want to learn but I don't need to feel inadequate to be a good learner

Now I notice when my ego is taking over. I notice when I am feeling defensive and angry. I pay attention to and trust my feelings. I try remember that all of us are doing the best we can.

And best of all, I know I can step away from the situation and be fine. What a terrific learning.

Learning from other women - WIT WOTY winners

Today I had the pleasure of attending a panel discussion with the winners of WIT's Woman of the Year Awards. What amazing women and so inspirational.

I loved the camaraderie in the room... the humor... the feeling that we are all in this together.

Sue Ellen Reager, the CEO and founder of @international Services, who told us about her career choices presented to her in high school. She could be either a secretary or a school teacher... but she had a bad attitude. She then went on to travel the world, learn 11 languages, teach herself to program. She has received an innovation award for her inventions. And now she oversees a virtual company with people in 70 countries.  but best of all? she met William Shatner. WOW. very memorable.

Barbara Carkenord, chief curriculum and strategist at B2T Training... who is getting married soon. Sharing the need to have direct conversations - YAY. Right after my own heart.

Sallie Graves, head of IT at ING, who loves college football, fantasy football, and all sports. Good thing she has boys!

Lisa McVey, VP, CIO at McKesson, who told us her big a-ha was when she found out that the executives didn't know all the answers and that their meetings weren't much different from the ones she had been going to.

Julie Untener, Director of Enterprise Applications at NCR, who grew up with seven sisters learning the power of girls and also how to navigate and get along.

I loved the themes that came out from all these women and the open, candid conversation. The way they shared funny and personal stories. The way they played off each other...

Here are some of the things I took away today.

When were you passed over and how did you handle it?

What struck me was 1) no one said - I haven't ever been passed over and 2) the answers were all about finding innovative and creative ways to deal with this situation.

Sue Ellen said that her bubbly personality was seen as cute but no one was buying from her. So she went on-line, signed her name as S. E. and ended up being very successful. Then by the time they met her, she already had the credibility.

What gets in our way?

The confidence theme kept coming up. We are good planners and we want it all planned out before we will raise our hand to take on risk. We are uncomfortable leaping without knowing we can do it. We see there are other experts out there who know more and can do it better... and we let them. As these successful women all stated... we need to get MUCH better at raising our hand and taking on the challenge even when we don't know if we can do it, we don't know how to do it, and we haven't ever done it before. We are smart and we can figure it out.

What do you do when you don't get supported by other women?

Have a direct conversation about it. Wow. This is something really hard for us to do. But what a great idea. It is so much easier to complain about it, gossip about the person who isn't supporting us, but wouldn't it be fantastic to have an open conversation about it? I think we need to hold each other accountable for having these conversations and not let one another get away with this behavior.

These are amazing women. These are women who want to help others. They are all actively supporting other women. LOVE IT!! What great role models for all of us.

It's OK to be a beginner

This month, Amelia has been spending hours every day asking how to spell words, copying words from books, and writing and writing and writing. When she wakes up, the first thing she does is grab her paper and pencil. She returns to her writing every chance she can.

This weekend she snuck away during dinner to practice her "words." She came back to the table and proudly presented:

A: What's this say?

Me: Grila?

A: YES! (she grinned from ear-to-ear and proudly pointed to her zoo camp shirt with the gorilla on it)

I was floored. She did it! Watching the focus, discipline, and time that she dedicated every day to learning... day after day... to finally present her first word written all by herself was DAUNTING!

Nothing stopped her. It didn't matter that it wasn't spelled right... that it wasn't neat and tidy... that other people wrote better, faster, and prettier. She was so proud of herself that she got it. All by herself.

Where does this desire to learn come from? I imagine how much better I might be if I spent a fraction of that energy to learn something new... do something hard... to get out of my comfort zone.

If I could get rid of that inner voice that tell me it is hard, that it isn't worth it, that I am going to look silly, that someone else already knows how to do it (and they are better anyway)...

This is a reminder to open up to possibilities. It is OK to look like a beginner.

It's Showtime! - positive thinking

Yesterday I asked Amelia to come with me outside. She complained about the mosquitoes. I told her that there are no mosquitoes in the Fall, that is why Fall is so wonderful.

A: but it is too cold

Me: you have a choice in your thinking--you can think about the good things or the bad things... because there are good and bad with everything.

A: oh... so like we can find beautiful leaves in the Fall

Me: YAY

This conversation reminded me that positive thinking really is a choice. As leaders, a positive attitude will foster a positive environment. People like to be around positive people.

My favorite things to say when hearing something new, challenging, or crazy are:

• you could be right (BTW this is a GREAT one for my marriage)
• what if... (consider what good things could happen)
• yes and (forcing yourself to build on the idea)

Today I am trying to watch what I say and do. I want to see how positive I can be... reframing situations to look at the positive sides. And remembering to use those 3 phrases as often as possible...

Making choices - the good, bad, and ugly

Yesterday I went to my bibliobabes book club. We discussed "how successful people think" by John Maxwell. Good discussion on how we think.

• Can we change our thinking?
• Where do you do your best thinking?
• Should we devote time to thinking?
• Big picture thinking?
• Prioritizing and staying focused on what matters most

Lots of great ideas for staying at a strategic level, motivating others to come along, and using different techniques at work and at home. Loved the quote below:

Imagination is more important than knowledge - albert einstein

Then it got depressing for me...

One of the women brought up her 16 year old daughter. She was surprised at a number of her friends who have already targeted "being a wife and a mother" as their post college aspiration. And another successful friend who told her that his daughter has already said she is going to college to get her MRS degree.

I have to admit that I found this really disturbing. It feels so backwards. But then I started wondering - is this what we meant when we talked about choices? This is a choice. Can I change my thinking to celebrate these girls and their choices? nope... I cannot.

It seems they have missed the joy of doing challenging work, stimulating their brains, learning new things, forcing themselves to solve hard problems... I know being a mom is challenging and rewarding. But I also know that it is not particularly stimulating for my brain.

Of course I am one to think about all the different scenarios and what ifs. Like what do you do if you end up without a husband? Or if you can't have children? And what happens when your children leave home? Or if your husband decides to find another "option"?

And really--is putting your husband and children first the best way to live your life? What is important to you and what do you love to do and what are you passionate about?

I just get depressed. What are these girls learning from us, from their teachers, from society? Is this enough? Are we moving in the right direction?

Jump start your mentoring relationship

Today I was surprised again at how we can be successful when we are so lousy at forming strong mentoring relationships.

Here is a successful, talented, and ambitious woman executive who has been matched with a mentor who happens to be one of the top 50 most powerful women in business today. I would think this is a match made in heaven! Hurrah! But NO! what has happened? What is going on???

• They have met for coffee
• It feels awkward
• My client doesn't know where to go with this so hasn't really pursued the relationship

What is so frustrating is that this is not an isolated event - we aren't very good at this mentoring thing. We don't know what it is supposed to look like or how to get it jump started.

I've been thinking about boys. I see them forming relationships with their coaches, being brought along, given opportunities when they are seen as high potential, and actively groomed to be better. They are used to getting feedback, being pushed, and expect to have someone fill this role. When they get into college they seem to form bonds with older boys and seek out advise on how to be successful. The ones who don't seem to flounder. Or drop out.

Then there are girls... we don't seem to have the same model. We are supposed to be nice... and self effacing... and put others first... And then we are expected to figure out how to "be mentored." As usual, here are my thoughts on how to make this work.

• Know what you want for yourself and be specific - feedback on how you are being perceived? access to senior leaders? consideration for big projects? promotion to next level? broader business knowledge? visibility outside the company? lateral move to a more interesting department? 
• The more specific you can be, the easier it will be for your mentor to help you. Continue to consider and refine after each conversation. Use this as an opportunity to focus on yourself (I know... this is hard)
• Be explicit with your sponsor on how you would like the relationship to work - how often to meet, how to structure the meetings, what to do when a conflict arises (reschedule, cancel?), who is responsible for scheduling the meetings. 
• Let him/her know why you believe this is the right relationship and what you will bring to the table. This is when you can bring them new perspectives, what you are observing in the rank and file, suggestions for what they might do to help get their message across in a different way. This unfiltered information is valuable - leaders want to get it and you can deliver!
• Get feedback from others who have mentoring relationships with your mentor - how does it work for them, what have they learned?
• Be prepared for every conversation with your mentor - make an agenda (and send it in advance), bring in samples of what you are working on or what you have completed, bring questions or needs, discuss what you have done since the last time you met and what you have learned, spend time talking about what you are observing in the organization, make sure you take away a few actions for both of you and follow up after the meeting
• Make notes of specific things your mentor told you (personal and business related) - for example, if you find out that her child is starting college, make a note to ask about how it is going when you see her next
• You are building a relationship. Every interaction should show you are serious about this.

I've got your back, baby

Remember you are in the driver's seat - your mentor can't help you unless you give him or her direction.

We have got to get better at this. Get out there! Practice! Make it work.

Be careful what you ask for

As a leader, getting objective and unfiltered information is required. But hearing this information is hard. It can feel like you are being attacked, that no one appreciates all the good things you have done, that it is a bunch of whining and complaining.

If you ask people what is going on in the organization... be prepared for what you will hear.

• Are you ready to hear that people don't trust you or like you?
• The communication you thought went so well was not understood or caused confusion?
• The carefully orchestrated processes to engage your organization left out key people?
• The people you expected to be most on board are the ones most frustrated or angry?

The list goes on. Can you really hear this and acknowledge the truth in what is being said? If not, then don't ask because you will just end up hurting your credibility and creating more distrust--no one will bring you information again.

The recommended response?

• Accept the information with a "THANK YOU" - this is a gift
• You don't need to answer questions - give yourself time to really process what is being said
• Take the key messages - what are people REALLY concerned about?
• Determine what you need to address and what you don't
• Circle back and clarify what you are thinking of doing or saying

Remember, how you receive this information will influence how you are perceived as a leader.

When do we worry about lay-offs?

Today at my client... two senior level peers were impacted by lay-offs.

One of them has worried incessantly about lay-offs. Has read between the lines on closed door meetings, made inferences about how people are being treated, and agonized about what was being said and not said. Shared concerns with peers and consultants. Nosed around to find any speck of information about potential org changes. Spent the past two days sick and ready to vomit.

The other one didn't notice any of these things going on. And was completely caught off guard and stunned when the news came.

Which one was the woman?

Taking a stand

I'm in the middle of a dilemma. I know of someone who is laying off people this week. Her HR VP has advised her to do this in a group setting to avoid "leaks."

My colleague understands the implications of doing a layoff in this way. I've strongly encouraged her to have individual meetings with each person and give them some privacy. I've told her that how she treats them will have ripple effects across the organization. I've begged and pleaded for her to consider alternatives...

While I know I have credibility with this person, she is still going forward with the group layoff.

Why? I believe it is because the HR VP who is advising her is an "expert in his field". He brings the prestige of coming from a VERY large and powerful company. He is big and commanding. He speaks with authority! And frankly he is very good at his job.

Is he right? I don't know. Sometimes we have to trust our gut. I think women have a better ability to empathize and anticipate how people are going to feel and react in stressful situations. My gut is telling me that this decision is going to add to the distrust and disillusionment in the organization.

As women who lead change, we should be willing to take advantage of our intuition, our gut instincts, and our ability to anticipate reactions. We should be able to state our case and the implied implications with confidence. Bringing new information and thinking is always valuable - even to an expert.

math is hard

The hardest part of making the big sale for women selling professional services?  the pricing conversation.

The hardest part of buying services for executive women?  the pricing conversation.

Why is this so hard?

• We have taken the time to build a good, trusting relationship. We like the other person and can imagine working together. 
• Then we shift gears to negotiating price... we have set it up to be a confrontational "win/lose" situation. (Think car buying). 

Women don't like this, aren't comfortable doing it, and I believe our reluctance to learn to do it well is hurting us.

I think about the last senior executive woman I worked with. When we went through all the "getting to know you" steps and finally came down to discussing the price, she told me she hated these conversations. I laughed and said I did too. It loosened things up and I realized that it isn't just on my end that it seems awkward and uncomfortable.

I have read the books on selling and negotiating. Some are good, some not so much. But here is what I find works for me.

Prepare a "discussion document" vs. a proposal

When putting together the proposal--think of it as a discussion document (until it is signed). 

• Use it as a way to engage in a conversation. 
• Find out what works on their end, do they have other resources that could help? 
• Are there other considerations that might change how you structure your work or your team?
• Don't talk pricing until both of you are comfortable that you understand each other - what the problem is, how you might work together to solve it, and what you are proposing.

By working together to revise, refine, and create the final version - you are giving a taste of what it will be like to work together, you are showing that you understand her needs and are flexible in your solution, and you come up with a better solution.

Prepare pricing options and scenarios vs. a pricing number

Once the nuts and bolts are figured out, then you come up with pricing OPTIONS. I'm always surprised at what comes out of these conversations. I will present resources and different models - as an example, perhaps some strategic oversight with some day-to-day support and a few workshops... which ends up turning into much more time for strategic help, one of their people running workshops, and a more senior person doing capability transfer. I would never know what they really want (and they wouldn't either) without presenting different scenarios and finding out what makes sense.

Be open to new ideas... seriously

We tend to glom onto the solution (which we know is right, of course) and then pretend to listen and make a few changes to appear flexible. This is not what I'm talking about. This is why I think it is important to lay out at least 2 different scenerios in the discussion. Force yourself to think about another way to meet the client's need.

I see 3 options here...

1. Learn to sell like a man
2. Learn to sell in a new way
3. Fail to sell...

I like option 2.

multi-tasking

Today I was on a conference call. While participating, I also ran a load of laundry and folded clothes. I un-muted to add my opinions and move things forward. It helps me think when my hands are busy.

After the call I debriefed with my colleague and mentioned that I had done some laundry while on the call. We talked about women's ability to be present in 2 different roles - how we can integrate the different elements of our lives to be more productive.

How handy to be in home mode and professional mode at the same time and to seamlessly transition back and forth. Gift or curse...hard to say. In any case, research shows that men separate their roles more definitively. That they don't move back and forth and can't integrate them.

I think my ability to integrate my different roles is great and special (and the women I work with can totally relate). But for some reason, I don't think men really appreciate this talent. Multitasking with laundry? Probably a serious ding. Would I share this with a man? Not if he weren't my husband - who happens to be thrilled that I can manage this way.

advise to a young woman

The advise below was circulating on my linked in group and I just loved it. I have heard so many appalling stories of young women (and men) entering the workforce that this rang very true. I hope that you enjoy it as much as I did. I love #9.

If you have any of your own stories, please tell me about them!



Gary Rich is the President of Rich Leadership, an executive development firm and Cofounder of The Leadership Room, a leadership development program. This is the advise he gave to his daughter:

My oldest daughter is nineteen, she has a year of college under her belt and against all my better instincts I’ve arranged for her to spend the summer in a corporate internship with one of my clients. She’s a reasonable kid with average grades, average friends and an average set of strengths and weaknesses. I don’t believe her performance in life yet reflects her intellect or her ability, but what father does. So as I sit here, a week before she begins work, I’ve been trying to construct a bit of advice for her; before she heads off and potentially embarrasses me beyond recovery. I’m somewhat uniquely qualified to dispense career advice since I’ve spent my career first as a corporate human resources officer, then as CEO of a mid-size company and then as an executive coach. Of course my last twenty-five years of labor will buy me very little sway with her and anything I tell her will have to be distilled down to the size of a text message. I’m not alone. If they’re lucky, thousands of parents are sending their kids off to work this summer for their first time. We’re sure that in time they’ll figure it all out. I wish I could save my kid a few decades of the process. That’s called hope prevailing over experience. So here’s the fatherly advice I gave my daughter.

My fatherly advice: 

1. Be there. Which means don’t get to work on time. Get to work thirty minutes early. (“OMG. Are you kidding me?”) No. And while you’re at it, stay thirty minutes later than most of the people working there or until your boss leaves, whichever is later. And if your work is finished, ask for more. I’m not going to tell you why because it’s too early in this list for me to see you roll your eyes and want to poke them out. 
2. Attitude. Your boss will never talk to you about your attitude. Lawyers and HR people put a stop to that long ago. But when you’re not around, people will definitely be discussing your attitude. So make sure it’s a good one. Smile a lot; even when it suddenly occurs to you that you totally should be the next American Idol and not be forced to do regular work. Act happy even when you’re not. Be positive and ready to accomplish anything. Never, ever, complain about anything. Offer to help other people out anytime you can. Positive energy is something we old people like to be around. So have a lot of it. Energy vampires are a drag and we want to drive a stake through their hearts. 
3. It’s not about you. I know, temporarily suspend your disbelief. None of it is about you. It’s about a company where people need to figure out how to get the company to earn an acceptable profit. It’s about customers and shareholders and a myriad of other things, none of which include you. Figure out how the company makes money and what’s important to the people running the company. Learn who they compete with and how, understand the strategy and goals that have been set. Know what your department does to help achieve those goals and figure out what the work you are doing does to fit in with all that. So learn about all of those things and what everyone there does and forget about “you” until “you” leave for the day. Then it can be all about you again. 
4. Politics. Never talk about anyone else unless it’s to say something positive and supportive. Never say anything for that matter that you wouldn’t want to see printed on the front page of the NY times the next day. Forget about secrets, they don’t exist. Be sure you are as respectful to the cleaning people as you are to the president. 
5. Quality. Focus on doing very high quality work. You are not the only smart person there. Some of those really old people (over 30) working side by side with you are just as smart as you are and were once doing your job. They sadly never got a letter like this from their father. Do work that you are proud of. Be organized and clear and for heaven’s sake check your spelling. Every morning figure out what you are going to accomplish that day and every evening ask yourself if you more than earned your pay that day. 
6. Your boss is your boss. Not your friend. Not your mother or father. They do not love you and might not really even care about you. Despite that outrage, your job is to help your boss get their job accomplished. So you better know what they’re trying to get done. Make sure you understand what they ask you to do and if you aren’t clear, ask questions. If you have any ideas on how to improve things tell your boss, then listen to what they say. Make sure your boss knows they can count on you. And don’t worry about getting credit for your work. Your boss will know what you do or don’t do. 
7. Work is for work. Do not use that computer for anything personal. Right, not even Facebook. And turn your cell phone off before you walk in the door and I mean off, not vibrate. In case you’re wondering what that thing on the desk is, it’s an old-fashioned desk phone. Do not make personal calls on that one either, if you ever figure out how it works. Oh, and I know I don’t have to say this but leave the iPod home. I know the music helps you concentrate on your work but I don’t care. Don’t even think about what other people are getting paid. It’s not your business. Don’t eat at your desk and don’t go outside for cigarette breaks, it takes company time, makes you look stupid and kills you fast. 
8. Decorum. Dress nicely, look well-groomed, and only fill two of the eight holes I have somehow allowed you to put in your ears over the years. Make sure no one at work ever sees the piercing in your navel much less the ones I don’t know about. Only use words as they are defined in a dictionary. Don’t say “sick” if you mean great, don’t say “word” if you mean yes, never use any profanity and if you slip up do not say “my bad”. Girls, showing your bra straps is not business casual and guys…pull up your pants. This is not a dating service, or a nightclub. Keep your eyes on the road. 
9. Don’t be defensive and don’t make excuses. Nothing makes you look more like a baby. When someone corrects you, thank him or her. They really are making you better and it’s hard to find gifts like that in life. While we are on the subject. Don’t wait around to be told you’re doing well; I know it’s nice to be acknowledged but in the end you’ll figure out that your own approval is really the thing that matters most. 
10. Try to have fun. Make yourself proud. I know you will. 

Women on the Move - learning from trying

Today we launched our executive women's networking event in atlanta--Women on the Move. The adrenaline was flowing along with the coffee, conversation, and buzz. What I learned...

I can make something amazing happen...

• I need a partner with energy to match mine
• I need an inspiring idea and something to keep me focused
• With a good idea, a solid plan, and a lot of hard work - anything is possible

I will face moments of crippling doubt and anxiety...

• I don't know how to do this--there are people who are experts in this
• I don't know many executives in atlanta--maybe I am completely over my head
• This is crazy and untried and what if it completely fails

I can relax and laugh at myself even when completely stressing out...

• I need to rely on the strength of my partners and friends
• I need to trust that it will all work out as it is supposed to
• I need to remind myself that failing is just a different way of learning

And after all of this work and stress, we watched something wonderful unfold this morning. Women talking, laughing, sharing... truly connecting with each other. Even after the time was up, no one left. When they did leave, the left in groups or pairs--with their new friends.

We have done something important... now we need to figure out what it is and what comes next. And I need to have the confidence to step into the leadership role again--and act like I know what I am doing!

Can being too sensitive to men’s perspectives hurt us?

Last week I spoke with a retired Fortune 500 COO and current consultant. She is passionate about finding and creating networking opportunities for executive women.

When she recently moved to Atlanta she was surprised at the lack of networks for executive women. She took action.

• She created a sub group for women within one of the more successful executive networking groups.
• She volunteered to serve as a mentor to women leaders in one of the largest women’s leadership development programs
• She got active in Women in Technology at the board level

Then she told me of the reaction from her male colleagues.

“Don’t you do anything with men?”

“Maybe we should form our own men’s networking group” (when she suggested that this would be the regular Friday meetings, they were not amused)

“What do we need to do to join in on the events?”

Her take-away is that we need to be very sensitive to how we are perceived by the men we work with and not focus exclusively on networking/helping other women.

While rationally I understand this advise… I know that we need to be seen as team players and we can’t be playing favorites… but really a part of me wants to pull my hair out.

We are being so careful to portray ourselves as “non-gender” so we don’t hurt anyone’s feelings or egos.

But…

• When the guys go golfing every week, do they worry about us?
• When they look around the room and find a sea of male faces, do they wonder why we aren’t around?
• When they plan events that women aren’t attending, do they think about changing the venue or forum?
• When they host superbowl parties, sponsor golfing events, take clients to strip clubs… well you get the idea.

It seems like we are supposed to go along and get along without saying anything…

Go to the events that men enjoy, not notice that we are excluded or unwanted, and accept the standard “you are welcome to join us” without ever saying anything.

But when we try to form our own “girls network” or do things together that we enjoy, guys get nervous and make us feel bad about it. And we start to believe there is something wrong with what we are doing.

Why are they so nervous when we get together without them? Why is this so threatening that they can’t support us?

Establishing yourself and your team

When it comes to disciplining our girls, my husband tells me I am the "hammer" and I call him the "velvet glove." I think there are 3 really important elements to helping my girls learn to be successful in the world.

• Communicate expectations:  I tend to set very strict rules which I gradually ease up as the girls demonstrate they are responsible enough to manage themselves. I think that it is much easier to loosen up the reins than try to tighten them after the fact.
• Issue consequences: To reinforce the rules requires immediate and relevant consequences. A few years ago, when Amelia refused to stay on her chair at a restaurant, I marched her to the car, strapped her into the car seat, and left her there while we leisurely finished our dinner. Don't panic, we were sitting outside and the car was parked next to the patio. Today I can take her out to eat without ever worrying about how she will behave.
• Deliver what you promise: Always do what you say, even if it makes your life harder in the short term. It's important to really think about what you are saying BEFORE you say it. Last week I was grocery shopping with Katie Paige. She didn't want to walk next to me so I told her we going to go home and she would sit in her room until lunch if she did it again. So 10 minutes later I was leaving my grocery cart and driving home to send her to her room. I was ticked off that I would have to make another trip to the store, but I know she learned an important lesson and I won't have to do it again.

For me, these are the characteristics of being a good leader. Which comes back to how to establish yourself with a team you have inherited.

• Establish clear expectations, communicate them in a relevant and meaningful way, and hold people accountable to them. Don't let anyone off the hook until they demonstrate they can be trusted.
• Deliver immediate and relevant consequences if people are not meeting expectations. Everyone is watching you and wants to know what happens if they don't deliver.
• Think about what you say, say what you mean, and deliver what you promise.
• Most importantly, do this because you want these people to succeed. This is about helping them learn, grow, and get better. It's not about you.

Remember the really hard teachers who turned out to be the best ones? They came in really mean, they told us how hard the class was going to be, they scared us a little bit... and over time, if we were good, we learned a lot and we ended up respecting and maybe even liking them.

We tend to focus too much on whether people like us. We should focus more on whether they respect us. Once we build this respect, they may learn to like us.

My last thought on building a team. Get rid of people who aren't helping you create the team environment you want. It is easier to on-board a new hire than to deal with the constant turmoil of an unhappy team member.

Of course, I can't do this with my girls but they don't really have a choice either - we have to figure out a way to work together. Plus I can't think of anyone else I would rather have on my team.

Maintaining our composure at work

Earlier this week I had breakfast with three women and we somehow ended up sharing our crying at work disasters.

• I remember being in tears arguing with my boss on the phone. He snapped "are you CRYING??? We don't cry in this profession - wash your face and get in here now."
• One senior executive woman told us about being so surprised and angry when told that a male colleague got the promotion that she knew she deserved, she burst into tears. The executive who saw her cry never looked at her the same after that.
• We all talked about trying to hold it together until we were in a safe place. About seeing our colleagues trying to hold it together and not being sure how to deal with it.

I'm usually pretty even tempered and can handle high stress and emotionally charged situations. I find that if I prepare well, I'm less likely to get hit with something that upsets me so I can maintain my calm composure. But then there are those times when something triggers me and I am surprised by the reactions I have.

• What are your triggers? 
• What's your worst emotional moment at work?
• How do you handle the emotions? 
• What do you do when you see someone about to lose it?

Can friendships at work work?

How to maintain friendships at work? There are so many land mines waiting to hurt the friendship -

• Did she ask me that to make herself look better?
• Is she using what she knows about me to make me look bad?
• Did she just say that to me in front of everyone?
• Was that a joke or was she serious?
• OMG I didn't want her to share that story

Then we stew... and stew... back away from the friendship and promise ourselves to separate work and and personal relationships. So we are back in the same situation - separating our relationships.

Ultimately I think this comes down to women having a hard time telling someone when they are angry, hurt, or embarrassed. So they keep it inside. And they tell other people about it. And ultimately the relationship sours.

We can take a lesson from watching how men handle it. They confront the issue - "dude that was really uncalled for" - and then they go play golf together.

I've found that focusing on the relationship, taking a deep breath, and having a real conversation does strengthen a relationship. Here are the questions to contemplate:

1. What do you want for her? - really put yourself into her shoes and consider what she wants
2. What do you want for you? - use positive words
3. NOW the most important part - what do you want for the relationship? What would it feel like?
4. Finally, how has the current situation impacted this and how could you see it differently in the future.

It goes like this - a real example...

1. Listen, I want you to get credit for the wonderful job you did designing the training program. I want you to be seen as a leader in this area. I want you to be confident that I am supporting you in this and that I am reinforcing your leadership in this area.
2. I want to count on you to deliver what you promise when you promise. I want to get wonderful feedback about the experience from the trainees. I want to hear the client leadership team talking about us in a positive way.
3. I want for both of us to know that when there are problems we will work together right away to resolve them. I want for you to trust that I'm out to make you look good, and for me to know the same. I want a clean, open relationship without hearing about issues bubbling up outside us.
4. I feel like the last training program was a miss and that you threw me under the bus. It is hard for me to trust you and to support you when I think you are going to damage my credibiity and reputation for your own ends. 

In this situation, I had her nodding at the first and then agreeing as I talked and saying she wanted the same thing. It opened up the conversation and showed what our relationship could be like. It also showed that I really cared both about her and about us. We ended up having a good heart to heart and I think we had a stronger relationship after the conversation.

Was it hard? HECK YEAH. Would it have been easier to bury it, stew about it, and then vent to everyone else? Oh yes. But I learned a really important lesson by forcing myself to take the high road. And I think we should all challenge ourselves to do the same.

Building more well-rounded relationships

personal friends...  work friends... networking contacts... my children's friends' parents... neighbors.

I've been learning that all these relationships can be (and probably should be) part of one big, crowded, network. I've tended to keep my life fairly compartmentalized. But when they are integrated, life is better, easier, and a whole lot more fun. I think this is what guys have known all along - they don't separate their friends like we do.

my friend BB

• My best and oldest friend, BB Webb, has become a powerful business maven in the Athens area. We have seen the best and worst over the years. And we now support each other in our business dealings as well as offering advise about our love lives.
• My old boss, current mentor and friend, introduced me to Stephanie Roppolo who had recently arrived in Atlanta from Denver and wanted to start building a network. We took our kids to the zoo and spent the entire time talking about business. We quickly became friends and we have helped each other with business ideas, expanding network, selling services, hosting fund raising events, and even providing emotional support during the darker days.
• I had this incredibly bright and talented woman on my team at Deloitte. She was funny and such a great problem solver. We ended up becoming business friends, slowly became real friends, and now Paige Riley is my business partner. Having a best friend as a business partner is great.
• Saturday night I hosted our neighborhood dinner club. I was talking with one of the women who is starting to look for a new job. We realized after a year of knowing each other that we do very similar things and that I could introduce her to some key people to help her get out more. Why did it take a year before we knew this?

my oldest support group

I believe we should be building more well-rounded relationships.

We shouldn't be afraid to talk business with neighbors, or to talk kids with business colleagues, or to mix it up and really get to know the whole person. And I don't think it should take years to do so!

We have to speed this up if we are going to take care of ourselves in this crazy environment.

Building external relationships - reducing risk in a downturn

I remember a 2008 HBR article about how star women build portable skills. What was really interesting was that these women used their "barriers" to find ways to be even more successful than their counterparts.

• Less-than-wholehearted acceptance in male-dominated workplace
• Reluctance to build close relationships with men for fear of giving the appearance of impropriety
• Inadequate access to internal mentors
• "Guy-culture" prevents strong bonds with men

To counter these obstacles, they cultivated external relationships so they were less dependent on their current company. Because they had these relationships, when these women changed jobs they still had their support network in place to help them continue to be successful.

I'm wondering if this same ability to not only adapt to our constraints but to find creative ways to be successful in spite of them is related to the current unemployment situation.

Since the start of the recession, the unemployment rate for men has increased much more than for women. In August 2009, the male unemployment rate stood at 10.9% while that of females was 8.2%. This 2.7 percentage point difference is the largest unemployment gender gap in the postwar era. 
http://www.ny.frb.org/research/economists/sahin/GenderGap.pdf

Could it be that by being forced to develop strong external relationships, women have reduced their risk in this downturn? As my mom always said... "don't put all your eggs in one basket". What is true for boyfriends, investments, and money apparently is also true for professional relationships. By having strong relationships across industries and companies, by having a support group at different levels and from different walks of life, we are diversifying and providing a safety net.

Our authentic self

This week I had the chance to have lunch with an extremely successful and powerful business leader. She offered many words of advice, shared her experiences and perspectives, and encouraged me in my learning.

She said something that really stuck with me...

"Women are not strong enough yet to share the playing field"

What did she mean?

• There are not enough of us in leadership roles to really support each other
• We are competitive so we are careful about how we share information and help other women
• We can't separate the business from the personal - we get our feelings hurt and hold a grudge

It is in our wiring. I watch my girls learning not to brag, not to talk too much about themselves, not to boast. I've already heard "she thinks she is all that" as a put down. So we spend all our lives learning to downplay our accomplishments and then come in to work trying to act like a man - tooting our own horn. We aren't good at it, it doesn't feel good, and it usually doesn't work.

And we still look at the women who are at the top and we say "she thinks she is all that."

And when she comes to us for advise, we wonder if she wants it to just make herself look better.

We talked about reaching a certain age and being able to let go of the striving and competing. It seems that once we get here, our authentic self can emerge. Now... we can finally do the right things and stay true to our values.

• It doesn't matter how people perceive us - we finally know who we are
• We can help other women because we know now that the younger ones will be the ones to make the next big changes
• We don't worry so much about the personal stuff at work - it's just business
• And we have built up a network of friends to support us in the different areas of our lives

So maybe sometimes the learning really does take some years under the belt...

Stopping the gossip

Gossip... we love it. We hate it. It is a way to bond with friends and a way to hurt one another. What happens when it hits the workplace? What happens when it is about us? What happens when we are in the middle of it? How should we react and what do we do?

84% of executives cited gossip as a common activity in their offices, according to a recent survey conducted by The Creative Group. And 63% said it has a negative impact on the workplace.

Nice High-School Fashion

And we are seeing it increase with uncertain times. If left unchecked, you can start to feel like you are in high school again. And frankly I don't want to relive those years...

As leaders, we need to take action.

• Get out there and talk to people. Have real conversations and talk about what people are thinking. Keep your door open and try to avoid closed door meetings with managers. Think about how what you are doing will be perceived when people are scared and worried about their jobs.
• Be real. Help people think about ways to respond to gossip and have direct conversations about it. Tell people what you expect - how we work together as adults, how we create an open environment of trust.
• Use gossip to create a more positive, collaborative environment. Stop gossip and turn it into a constructive conversation - what can we do together to help this person (assuming there is a problem).

I think I would be happier if I knew people weren't talking about me behind my back (unless, of course, they were discussing how wonderful, talented, and attractive I am - wouldn't that be great...). Perhaps just having an open conversation about this would pave the way to a nicer place to work.

Tips for women leading change

I'm in the process of writing an article on women leading change. The way we lead change is different - where we focus our energy, pitfalls to avoid, and taking advantage of what we already do well. 

These are the top 10 I have come up with so far. I would love your thoughts on these or others.

Slaying the dragons

1. Build a team you trust and enjoy working with
2. Clarify what you expect – both the roles and the relationship
3. Take credit for your work – and recognize your team’s effort
4. Work with your team to create the change story – use them to engage the organization
5. Create your own infrastructure to keep a pulse of the organization
6. Build your internal and external support/advisory group – ask for help
7. Be authentic – share your story and why this is important to you
8. Ask for other’s stories – find out what is important to them
9. Support others (especially women) and help them grow
10. Stop waiting to become the expert – step into it with confidence

Why are female managers earning less than their male counterparts?

Female managers earned 81 cents for every $1 earned by male managers in 2007, up 2 cents from 79 cents in 2000, according to theGovernment Accountability Office report released last Tuesday.

http://www.inc.com/news/articles/2010/09/GAO-reports-gender-pay-gap-persists.html

Last week I was talking with a group of women about pricing our services and the difficulties we have when having these conversations. It seems that, as women, we don't have enough confidence asking for what we want financially. All the women agreed that talking about numbers is really hard.

• Pricing our services or ourselves
• Negotiating the price and standing our ground
• Knowing how to navigate the process 
• Making appropriate compromises so everyone wins
• Staying in the game and not giving up too easily

Anyone want to go car shopping? Bring a man.

What was even more discouraging to me was that women with children had lower salaries than those without: Mothers earned 79 cents for every buck a man took home in 2007, but childfree women earned 83 cents for every dollar a man earned.

I can think of some personal reasons that could account for this difference. 

• I leave work every day to pick my girls up at day care. I see the looks when I head out the door - no one cares if I come in early or work from home at night to get my work done. I've heard the comments about my "priorities."
• When the girls are sick, I usually stay home with them. My schedule is more flexible so somehow this has become the default. I usually tell people that I am working from home, I have off-site meetings/training, or that I am sick rather than say it is my kids.
• I am not excited about having company activities on the weekend. I'm also not excited about team dinners at night. It is true - I would rather spend time with my family. Somehow this means I'm not committed enough.

I think that the assumptions people make about working moms impacts our compensation. And year after year that adds up. A lot.

Is LinkedIn different for women?

Several weeks ago I delivered LinkedIn Basics to the executives at an incentives company. I've been thinking about some of the similarities and differences in how the men and women were responding and the questions they were asking.

Both groups were very interested in using this tool in a more compelling way--

• Lots of questions and discussion on the best headlines and summaries
• How to conduct searches and research people
• Concerns about the etiquette and "rules"

It seemed that the women were much more interested in the connection aspects and the way this can be used to develop relationships and support each other. They seemed much more willing to open up their connections.

• Searching for commonalities in connections
• Sending personal messages
• Joining groups and participating
• Giving and receiving recommendations

The men seemed more interested in using it to create a personal advantage. They were reluctant to give up any information that might be used to take their business.

• Hiding their connections
• Hiding their identity when looking at people
• Finding other people's connections for a competitive edge

There was quite a bit of debate on how they would use LinkedIn moving forward. They are still in discussions even as they update their profiles. I am very much interested in where they end up.

I wonder if some of this might also be a generational issue as well. The most adamantly opposed to opening up and sharing were also the men who had been in business the longest. The younger crowd seemed more willing to open up. Maybe this is what experience will do to us - I hope not.

The old boys club

This morning over breakfast my dear friend shared a story of recent events that was so astounding it left me speechless (which is saying a lot).

They had finally found a highly qualified, proven, and experienced sales executive to join their team. The executive team convened to discuss the candidate. Oh BTW she happened to be a woman.

one guy's heated argument: we can't hire her! what will we do when we want to go play golf? this will totally mess up the team dynamics! 

CEO: do you hear what you are saying?

guy: but really, I am serious, this would really mess up the team and how we sell and what about when we want to go out drinking?

CEO: we are NOT having this conversation.

And this guy is in his early 40's.

I don't know if he ever did hear what he was saying. Or understood what it implied.

Makes me scared. and mad.

Do women take it too personally?

The last few weeks have been an emotional roller coaster. Moments of wild anticipation balanced by moments of utter dejection.

• My client doesn't call me; I think I must have done something wrong.
• I have a good meeting but then don't hear anything back; I am certain I must have said something disastrous.
• Everything is moving along brilliantly in a sales pursuit and then it goes silent; I agonize about everything I said and did that could have messed it up.

I have a tendency to assume that when things go wrong it must be something I did. I relive what happened and consider all sides of the situations... again and again... Is this a gender issue? If so, how much energy do we waste worrying about  and rehashing what is out of our control?

I want to continue learning and improving. But I wonder if we take it too far and we try to learn from experiences that are not learning grounds.

When it might be better to let it go and let things progress without the emotional energy tied to them.

I'm trying to relax and let things happen as they are supposed to happen. Everything always works out.

Competition and Collaboration

This weekend I saw "Easy A." I really enjoyed it - great lines, good acting, and just fun to watch. Made me wince as I remembered high school and the way we treated each other. When does this competition start among girls and why are we still dealing with it as adults? Or do we just move from the overt viciousness of high school to more sophisticated, covert competition as professionals?

I have wonderful relationships with my women colleagues. They are smart, talented, and great to work with. I enjoy working with them and we like to spend time together outside work too. But I have the luxury of picking my team and the people I work with. And I have often thought that having an exclusively female team might also have something to do with the dynamics.

Last weekend I listened to a group of women discuss how poorly their women leaders were dressed at a big-wig presentation and how distressed they were with the way they represented the company. I wondered if any of them had provided feedback with the women in question. It is disheartening to hear professional adult women speaking about their leaders in such a negative way.

Recently, we spent quite a bit of time coaching one of my recent women clients to have direct conversations and provide feedback when she repeatedly moved into speaking negatively about her women peers/leaders. It was a recurring pattern in this organization - quite a few women were in direct competition and were completely unsupportive of each other. The result was a lack of trust, cliques, and people "in" and people "out". A lot like high school.

I'm always surprised at the stories I hear about women who are reluctant to support other women, who are not pulling women along with them, or who are afraid of how it might look if they support women too much. And I love the stories of where it is working.

I have a friend who has repeatedly built strong and successful teams by promoting and coaching women. By putting them into stretch roles, giving them opportunities to fail, and consistently speaking positively about them. This happens to be a man. How can he be so good at this while so many women are lousy at it?

Networking tips

This morning's conversation with my daughter:

Amelia: Where are you going?

Me: Networking meeting

Amelia: What is neck working?

Me: It's a place to meet new people and make new friends.

Amelia: Why?

Me: It's important to have a lot of friends.

Amelia: Why?

Me: So that if you need help they can help you... and if they need help, you can help them.

Amelia: Ok. (whew)

So I reminded myself about why I was heading out the door at 7am (again, what is with these early meetings?). This is about building relationships so that I can help others and they can help me. A refreshing re-grounding.

Networking can feel intimidating and overwhelming so these are my tips to make it easier and usually more fun.

• Go with a friend if at all possible - strategize up front, separate to meet new people but stay in eye contact and rescue each other if needed. Don't linger with your friend - you still have to get out and meet people.
• Enter with purpose and head straight for the coffee - you can meet people while in line and commiserate about how early the meeting is. Use this to introduce yourself and get acquainted. And you have a reason to move on to meet someone else once you get your coffee.
• Leave everything except your business cards in your car trunk - you don't need to be carrying a purse or notebook (if you must take notes, put a tiny notebook in your pocket). You don't need your cell phone - it will only distract you.
• Don't claim your seat until most people are already moving toward their tables - this way you can get the lay of the land and find the right people to sit near. And don't sit down until the last minute - keep mingling.
• Only hand out your business card when there has been a solid connection and you want to follow up with the person. I see people handing out cards like crazy and I just think it is a bit cheesy. I like to think that it is more classy to have a reason to exchange cards.
• Eat before you go. There is no graceful way to mingle and talk while balancing your plate and cup and trying to eat and chew. And you can't sit down too early because then.. well really what is the point of coming?
• Keep moving. Don't get caught with one person too long. This is where your friend can come in handy - if you see her spending too long with one person, wave her over and introduce her to the person you are talking to. They you can move on.
• Go in with a positive attitude. On the way to the event, I like to think about possible best case scenarios - sometimes I meet a woman executive with a big budget who is about to launch a really big change and needs what I offer, and she is really funny and happens to have a couple of kids the same age as mine, and live in the same neighborhood, and it turns out that we know the same people. We really hit it off and immediately schedule a coffee date to talk about ways we can work together. - Wouldn't that be great? No reason it couldn't happen...

The goal is to mingle, meet people, and hopefully find a few people who you connect with - either they can help you or you can help them. Get these people's contact info and follow up. I think it is so nice to get a follow up email referencing something I said. Try to remember some personal story or something they told you so you can differentiate yourself.