multi-tasking

Today I was on a conference call. While participating, I also ran a load of laundry and folded clothes. I un-muted to add my opinions and move things forward. It helps me think when my hands are busy.

After the call I debriefed with my colleague and mentioned that I had done some laundry while on the call. We talked about women's ability to be present in 2 different roles - how we can integrate the different elements of our lives to be more productive.

How handy to be in home mode and professional mode at the same time and to seamlessly transition back and forth. Gift or curse...hard to say. In any case, research shows that men separate their roles more definitively. That they don't move back and forth and can't integrate them.

I think my ability to integrate my different roles is great and special (and the women I work with can totally relate). But for some reason, I don't think men really appreciate this talent. Multitasking with laundry? Probably a serious ding. Would I share this with a man? Not if he weren't my husband - who happens to be thrilled that I can manage this way.

advise to a young woman

The advise below was circulating on my linked in group and I just loved it. I have heard so many appalling stories of young women (and men) entering the workforce that this rang very true. I hope that you enjoy it as much as I did. I love #9.

If you have any of your own stories, please tell me about them!



Gary Rich is the President of Rich Leadership, an executive development firm and Cofounder of The Leadership Room, a leadership development program. This is the advise he gave to his daughter:

My oldest daughter is nineteen, she has a year of college under her belt and against all my better instincts I’ve arranged for her to spend the summer in a corporate internship with one of my clients. She’s a reasonable kid with average grades, average friends and an average set of strengths and weaknesses. I don’t believe her performance in life yet reflects her intellect or her ability, but what father does. So as I sit here, a week before she begins work, I’ve been trying to construct a bit of advice for her; before she heads off and potentially embarrasses me beyond recovery. I’m somewhat uniquely qualified to dispense career advice since I’ve spent my career first as a corporate human resources officer, then as CEO of a mid-size company and then as an executive coach. Of course my last twenty-five years of labor will buy me very little sway with her and anything I tell her will have to be distilled down to the size of a text message. I’m not alone. If they’re lucky, thousands of parents are sending their kids off to work this summer for their first time. We’re sure that in time they’ll figure it all out. I wish I could save my kid a few decades of the process. That’s called hope prevailing over experience. So here’s the fatherly advice I gave my daughter.

My fatherly advice: 

1. Be there. Which means don’t get to work on time. Get to work thirty minutes early. (“OMG. Are you kidding me?”) No. And while you’re at it, stay thirty minutes later than most of the people working there or until your boss leaves, whichever is later. And if your work is finished, ask for more. I’m not going to tell you why because it’s too early in this list for me to see you roll your eyes and want to poke them out. 
2. Attitude. Your boss will never talk to you about your attitude. Lawyers and HR people put a stop to that long ago. But when you’re not around, people will definitely be discussing your attitude. So make sure it’s a good one. Smile a lot; even when it suddenly occurs to you that you totally should be the next American Idol and not be forced to do regular work. Act happy even when you’re not. Be positive and ready to accomplish anything. Never, ever, complain about anything. Offer to help other people out anytime you can. Positive energy is something we old people like to be around. So have a lot of it. Energy vampires are a drag and we want to drive a stake through their hearts. 
3. It’s not about you. I know, temporarily suspend your disbelief. None of it is about you. It’s about a company where people need to figure out how to get the company to earn an acceptable profit. It’s about customers and shareholders and a myriad of other things, none of which include you. Figure out how the company makes money and what’s important to the people running the company. Learn who they compete with and how, understand the strategy and goals that have been set. Know what your department does to help achieve those goals and figure out what the work you are doing does to fit in with all that. So learn about all of those things and what everyone there does and forget about “you” until “you” leave for the day. Then it can be all about you again. 
4. Politics. Never talk about anyone else unless it’s to say something positive and supportive. Never say anything for that matter that you wouldn’t want to see printed on the front page of the NY times the next day. Forget about secrets, they don’t exist. Be sure you are as respectful to the cleaning people as you are to the president. 
5. Quality. Focus on doing very high quality work. You are not the only smart person there. Some of those really old people (over 30) working side by side with you are just as smart as you are and were once doing your job. They sadly never got a letter like this from their father. Do work that you are proud of. Be organized and clear and for heaven’s sake check your spelling. Every morning figure out what you are going to accomplish that day and every evening ask yourself if you more than earned your pay that day. 
6. Your boss is your boss. Not your friend. Not your mother or father. They do not love you and might not really even care about you. Despite that outrage, your job is to help your boss get their job accomplished. So you better know what they’re trying to get done. Make sure you understand what they ask you to do and if you aren’t clear, ask questions. If you have any ideas on how to improve things tell your boss, then listen to what they say. Make sure your boss knows they can count on you. And don’t worry about getting credit for your work. Your boss will know what you do or don’t do. 
7. Work is for work. Do not use that computer for anything personal. Right, not even Facebook. And turn your cell phone off before you walk in the door and I mean off, not vibrate. In case you’re wondering what that thing on the desk is, it’s an old-fashioned desk phone. Do not make personal calls on that one either, if you ever figure out how it works. Oh, and I know I don’t have to say this but leave the iPod home. I know the music helps you concentrate on your work but I don’t care. Don’t even think about what other people are getting paid. It’s not your business. Don’t eat at your desk and don’t go outside for cigarette breaks, it takes company time, makes you look stupid and kills you fast. 
8. Decorum. Dress nicely, look well-groomed, and only fill two of the eight holes I have somehow allowed you to put in your ears over the years. Make sure no one at work ever sees the piercing in your navel much less the ones I don’t know about. Only use words as they are defined in a dictionary. Don’t say “sick” if you mean great, don’t say “word” if you mean yes, never use any profanity and if you slip up do not say “my bad”. Girls, showing your bra straps is not business casual and guys…pull up your pants. This is not a dating service, or a nightclub. Keep your eyes on the road. 
9. Don’t be defensive and don’t make excuses. Nothing makes you look more like a baby. When someone corrects you, thank him or her. They really are making you better and it’s hard to find gifts like that in life. While we are on the subject. Don’t wait around to be told you’re doing well; I know it’s nice to be acknowledged but in the end you’ll figure out that your own approval is really the thing that matters most. 
10. Try to have fun. Make yourself proud. I know you will. 

Women on the Move - learning from trying

Today we launched our executive women's networking event in atlanta--Women on the Move. The adrenaline was flowing along with the coffee, conversation, and buzz. What I learned...

I can make something amazing happen...

• I need a partner with energy to match mine
• I need an inspiring idea and something to keep me focused
• With a good idea, a solid plan, and a lot of hard work - anything is possible

I will face moments of crippling doubt and anxiety...

• I don't know how to do this--there are people who are experts in this
• I don't know many executives in atlanta--maybe I am completely over my head
• This is crazy and untried and what if it completely fails

I can relax and laugh at myself even when completely stressing out...

• I need to rely on the strength of my partners and friends
• I need to trust that it will all work out as it is supposed to
• I need to remind myself that failing is just a different way of learning

And after all of this work and stress, we watched something wonderful unfold this morning. Women talking, laughing, sharing... truly connecting with each other. Even after the time was up, no one left. When they did leave, the left in groups or pairs--with their new friends.

We have done something important... now we need to figure out what it is and what comes next. And I need to have the confidence to step into the leadership role again--and act like I know what I am doing!

Can being too sensitive to men’s perspectives hurt us?

Last week I spoke with a retired Fortune 500 COO and current consultant. She is passionate about finding and creating networking opportunities for executive women.

When she recently moved to Atlanta she was surprised at the lack of networks for executive women. She took action.

• She created a sub group for women within one of the more successful executive networking groups.
• She volunteered to serve as a mentor to women leaders in one of the largest women’s leadership development programs
• She got active in Women in Technology at the board level

Then she told me of the reaction from her male colleagues.

“Don’t you do anything with men?”

“Maybe we should form our own men’s networking group” (when she suggested that this would be the regular Friday meetings, they were not amused)

“What do we need to do to join in on the events?”

Her take-away is that we need to be very sensitive to how we are perceived by the men we work with and not focus exclusively on networking/helping other women.

While rationally I understand this advise… I know that we need to be seen as team players and we can’t be playing favorites… but really a part of me wants to pull my hair out.

We are being so careful to portray ourselves as “non-gender” so we don’t hurt anyone’s feelings or egos.

But…

• When the guys go golfing every week, do they worry about us?
• When they look around the room and find a sea of male faces, do they wonder why we aren’t around?
• When they plan events that women aren’t attending, do they think about changing the venue or forum?
• When they host superbowl parties, sponsor golfing events, take clients to strip clubs… well you get the idea.

It seems like we are supposed to go along and get along without saying anything…

Go to the events that men enjoy, not notice that we are excluded or unwanted, and accept the standard “you are welcome to join us” without ever saying anything.

But when we try to form our own “girls network” or do things together that we enjoy, guys get nervous and make us feel bad about it. And we start to believe there is something wrong with what we are doing.

Why are they so nervous when we get together without them? Why is this so threatening that they can’t support us?

Establishing yourself and your team

When it comes to disciplining our girls, my husband tells me I am the "hammer" and I call him the "velvet glove." I think there are 3 really important elements to helping my girls learn to be successful in the world.

• Communicate expectations:  I tend to set very strict rules which I gradually ease up as the girls demonstrate they are responsible enough to manage themselves. I think that it is much easier to loosen up the reins than try to tighten them after the fact.
• Issue consequences: To reinforce the rules requires immediate and relevant consequences. A few years ago, when Amelia refused to stay on her chair at a restaurant, I marched her to the car, strapped her into the car seat, and left her there while we leisurely finished our dinner. Don't panic, we were sitting outside and the car was parked next to the patio. Today I can take her out to eat without ever worrying about how she will behave.
• Deliver what you promise: Always do what you say, even if it makes your life harder in the short term. It's important to really think about what you are saying BEFORE you say it. Last week I was grocery shopping with Katie Paige. She didn't want to walk next to me so I told her we going to go home and she would sit in her room until lunch if she did it again. So 10 minutes later I was leaving my grocery cart and driving home to send her to her room. I was ticked off that I would have to make another trip to the store, but I know she learned an important lesson and I won't have to do it again.

For me, these are the characteristics of being a good leader. Which comes back to how to establish yourself with a team you have inherited.

• Establish clear expectations, communicate them in a relevant and meaningful way, and hold people accountable to them. Don't let anyone off the hook until they demonstrate they can be trusted.
• Deliver immediate and relevant consequences if people are not meeting expectations. Everyone is watching you and wants to know what happens if they don't deliver.
• Think about what you say, say what you mean, and deliver what you promise.
• Most importantly, do this because you want these people to succeed. This is about helping them learn, grow, and get better. It's not about you.

Remember the really hard teachers who turned out to be the best ones? They came in really mean, they told us how hard the class was going to be, they scared us a little bit... and over time, if we were good, we learned a lot and we ended up respecting and maybe even liking them.

We tend to focus too much on whether people like us. We should focus more on whether they respect us. Once we build this respect, they may learn to like us.

My last thought on building a team. Get rid of people who aren't helping you create the team environment you want. It is easier to on-board a new hire than to deal with the constant turmoil of an unhappy team member.

Of course, I can't do this with my girls but they don't really have a choice either - we have to figure out a way to work together. Plus I can't think of anyone else I would rather have on my team.

Maintaining our composure at work

Earlier this week I had breakfast with three women and we somehow ended up sharing our crying at work disasters.

• I remember being in tears arguing with my boss on the phone. He snapped "are you CRYING??? We don't cry in this profession - wash your face and get in here now."
• One senior executive woman told us about being so surprised and angry when told that a male colleague got the promotion that she knew she deserved, she burst into tears. The executive who saw her cry never looked at her the same after that.
• We all talked about trying to hold it together until we were in a safe place. About seeing our colleagues trying to hold it together and not being sure how to deal with it.

I'm usually pretty even tempered and can handle high stress and emotionally charged situations. I find that if I prepare well, I'm less likely to get hit with something that upsets me so I can maintain my calm composure. But then there are those times when something triggers me and I am surprised by the reactions I have.

• What are your triggers? 
• What's your worst emotional moment at work?
• How do you handle the emotions? 
• What do you do when you see someone about to lose it?

Can friendships at work work?

How to maintain friendships at work? There are so many land mines waiting to hurt the friendship -

• Did she ask me that to make herself look better?
• Is she using what she knows about me to make me look bad?
• Did she just say that to me in front of everyone?
• Was that a joke or was she serious?
• OMG I didn't want her to share that story

Then we stew... and stew... back away from the friendship and promise ourselves to separate work and and personal relationships. So we are back in the same situation - separating our relationships.

Ultimately I think this comes down to women having a hard time telling someone when they are angry, hurt, or embarrassed. So they keep it inside. And they tell other people about it. And ultimately the relationship sours.

We can take a lesson from watching how men handle it. They confront the issue - "dude that was really uncalled for" - and then they go play golf together.

I've found that focusing on the relationship, taking a deep breath, and having a real conversation does strengthen a relationship. Here are the questions to contemplate:

1. What do you want for her? - really put yourself into her shoes and consider what she wants
2. What do you want for you? - use positive words
3. NOW the most important part - what do you want for the relationship? What would it feel like?
4. Finally, how has the current situation impacted this and how could you see it differently in the future.

It goes like this - a real example...

1. Listen, I want you to get credit for the wonderful job you did designing the training program. I want you to be seen as a leader in this area. I want you to be confident that I am supporting you in this and that I am reinforcing your leadership in this area.
2. I want to count on you to deliver what you promise when you promise. I want to get wonderful feedback about the experience from the trainees. I want to hear the client leadership team talking about us in a positive way.
3. I want for both of us to know that when there are problems we will work together right away to resolve them. I want for you to trust that I'm out to make you look good, and for me to know the same. I want a clean, open relationship without hearing about issues bubbling up outside us.
4. I feel like the last training program was a miss and that you threw me under the bus. It is hard for me to trust you and to support you when I think you are going to damage my credibiity and reputation for your own ends. 

In this situation, I had her nodding at the first and then agreeing as I talked and saying she wanted the same thing. It opened up the conversation and showed what our relationship could be like. It also showed that I really cared both about her and about us. We ended up having a good heart to heart and I think we had a stronger relationship after the conversation.

Was it hard? HECK YEAH. Would it have been easier to bury it, stew about it, and then vent to everyone else? Oh yes. But I learned a really important lesson by forcing myself to take the high road. And I think we should all challenge ourselves to do the same.

Building more well-rounded relationships

personal friends...  work friends... networking contacts... my children's friends' parents... neighbors.

I've been learning that all these relationships can be (and probably should be) part of one big, crowded, network. I've tended to keep my life fairly compartmentalized. But when they are integrated, life is better, easier, and a whole lot more fun. I think this is what guys have known all along - they don't separate their friends like we do.

my friend BB

• My best and oldest friend, BB Webb, has become a powerful business maven in the Athens area. We have seen the best and worst over the years. And we now support each other in our business dealings as well as offering advise about our love lives.
• My old boss, current mentor and friend, introduced me to Stephanie Roppolo who had recently arrived in Atlanta from Denver and wanted to start building a network. We took our kids to the zoo and spent the entire time talking about business. We quickly became friends and we have helped each other with business ideas, expanding network, selling services, hosting fund raising events, and even providing emotional support during the darker days.
• I had this incredibly bright and talented woman on my team at Deloitte. She was funny and such a great problem solver. We ended up becoming business friends, slowly became real friends, and now Paige Riley is my business partner. Having a best friend as a business partner is great.
• Saturday night I hosted our neighborhood dinner club. I was talking with one of the women who is starting to look for a new job. We realized after a year of knowing each other that we do very similar things and that I could introduce her to some key people to help her get out more. Why did it take a year before we knew this?

my oldest support group

I believe we should be building more well-rounded relationships.

We shouldn't be afraid to talk business with neighbors, or to talk kids with business colleagues, or to mix it up and really get to know the whole person. And I don't think it should take years to do so!

We have to speed this up if we are going to take care of ourselves in this crazy environment.

Building external relationships - reducing risk in a downturn

I remember a 2008 HBR article about how star women build portable skills. What was really interesting was that these women used their "barriers" to find ways to be even more successful than their counterparts.

• Less-than-wholehearted acceptance in male-dominated workplace
• Reluctance to build close relationships with men for fear of giving the appearance of impropriety
• Inadequate access to internal mentors
• "Guy-culture" prevents strong bonds with men

To counter these obstacles, they cultivated external relationships so they were less dependent on their current company. Because they had these relationships, when these women changed jobs they still had their support network in place to help them continue to be successful.

I'm wondering if this same ability to not only adapt to our constraints but to find creative ways to be successful in spite of them is related to the current unemployment situation.

Since the start of the recession, the unemployment rate for men has increased much more than for women. In August 2009, the male unemployment rate stood at 10.9% while that of females was 8.2%. This 2.7 percentage point difference is the largest unemployment gender gap in the postwar era. 
http://www.ny.frb.org/research/economists/sahin/GenderGap.pdf

Could it be that by being forced to develop strong external relationships, women have reduced their risk in this downturn? As my mom always said... "don't put all your eggs in one basket". What is true for boyfriends, investments, and money apparently is also true for professional relationships. By having strong relationships across industries and companies, by having a support group at different levels and from different walks of life, we are diversifying and providing a safety net.

Our authentic self

This week I had the chance to have lunch with an extremely successful and powerful business leader. She offered many words of advice, shared her experiences and perspectives, and encouraged me in my learning.

She said something that really stuck with me...

"Women are not strong enough yet to share the playing field"

What did she mean?

• There are not enough of us in leadership roles to really support each other
• We are competitive so we are careful about how we share information and help other women
• We can't separate the business from the personal - we get our feelings hurt and hold a grudge

It is in our wiring. I watch my girls learning not to brag, not to talk too much about themselves, not to boast. I've already heard "she thinks she is all that" as a put down. So we spend all our lives learning to downplay our accomplishments and then come in to work trying to act like a man - tooting our own horn. We aren't good at it, it doesn't feel good, and it usually doesn't work.

And we still look at the women who are at the top and we say "she thinks she is all that."

And when she comes to us for advise, we wonder if she wants it to just make herself look better.

We talked about reaching a certain age and being able to let go of the striving and competing. It seems that once we get here, our authentic self can emerge. Now... we can finally do the right things and stay true to our values.

• It doesn't matter how people perceive us - we finally know who we are
• We can help other women because we know now that the younger ones will be the ones to make the next big changes
• We don't worry so much about the personal stuff at work - it's just business
• And we have built up a network of friends to support us in the different areas of our lives

So maybe sometimes the learning really does take some years under the belt...

Stopping the gossip

Gossip... we love it. We hate it. It is a way to bond with friends and a way to hurt one another. What happens when it hits the workplace? What happens when it is about us? What happens when we are in the middle of it? How should we react and what do we do?

84% of executives cited gossip as a common activity in their offices, according to a recent survey conducted by The Creative Group. And 63% said it has a negative impact on the workplace.

Nice High-School Fashion

And we are seeing it increase with uncertain times. If left unchecked, you can start to feel like you are in high school again. And frankly I don't want to relive those years...

As leaders, we need to take action.

• Get out there and talk to people. Have real conversations and talk about what people are thinking. Keep your door open and try to avoid closed door meetings with managers. Think about how what you are doing will be perceived when people are scared and worried about their jobs.
• Be real. Help people think about ways to respond to gossip and have direct conversations about it. Tell people what you expect - how we work together as adults, how we create an open environment of trust.
• Use gossip to create a more positive, collaborative environment. Stop gossip and turn it into a constructive conversation - what can we do together to help this person (assuming there is a problem).

I think I would be happier if I knew people weren't talking about me behind my back (unless, of course, they were discussing how wonderful, talented, and attractive I am - wouldn't that be great...). Perhaps just having an open conversation about this would pave the way to a nicer place to work.

Tips for women leading change

I'm in the process of writing an article on women leading change. The way we lead change is different - where we focus our energy, pitfalls to avoid, and taking advantage of what we already do well. 

These are the top 10 I have come up with so far. I would love your thoughts on these or others.

Slaying the dragons

1. Build a team you trust and enjoy working with
2. Clarify what you expect – both the roles and the relationship
3. Take credit for your work – and recognize your team’s effort
4. Work with your team to create the change story – use them to engage the organization
5. Create your own infrastructure to keep a pulse of the organization
6. Build your internal and external support/advisory group – ask for help
7. Be authentic – share your story and why this is important to you
8. Ask for other’s stories – find out what is important to them
9. Support others (especially women) and help them grow
10. Stop waiting to become the expert – step into it with confidence

Why are female managers earning less than their male counterparts?

Female managers earned 81 cents for every $1 earned by male managers in 2007, up 2 cents from 79 cents in 2000, according to theGovernment Accountability Office report released last Tuesday.

http://www.inc.com/news/articles/2010/09/GAO-reports-gender-pay-gap-persists.html

Last week I was talking with a group of women about pricing our services and the difficulties we have when having these conversations. It seems that, as women, we don't have enough confidence asking for what we want financially. All the women agreed that talking about numbers is really hard.

• Pricing our services or ourselves
• Negotiating the price and standing our ground
• Knowing how to navigate the process 
• Making appropriate compromises so everyone wins
• Staying in the game and not giving up too easily

Anyone want to go car shopping? Bring a man.

What was even more discouraging to me was that women with children had lower salaries than those without: Mothers earned 79 cents for every buck a man took home in 2007, but childfree women earned 83 cents for every dollar a man earned.

I can think of some personal reasons that could account for this difference. 

• I leave work every day to pick my girls up at day care. I see the looks when I head out the door - no one cares if I come in early or work from home at night to get my work done. I've heard the comments about my "priorities."
• When the girls are sick, I usually stay home with them. My schedule is more flexible so somehow this has become the default. I usually tell people that I am working from home, I have off-site meetings/training, or that I am sick rather than say it is my kids.
• I am not excited about having company activities on the weekend. I'm also not excited about team dinners at night. It is true - I would rather spend time with my family. Somehow this means I'm not committed enough.

I think that the assumptions people make about working moms impacts our compensation. And year after year that adds up. A lot.