The importance of sponsors vs. mentors during the recession

"In times of strife, men are more likely to have role models or mentors who can protect or guide them through company instability" says Ilene Lang, CEO of Catalyst Inc. "The recession has not been kind to women." Wall Street Journal

We have been coached for decades to get mentors. We were appointed mentors, have debated self selecting vs. being assigned mentors, we have learned how to find mentors. But as women, I'm afraid we haven't been looking for the right things. We have found a great support group - people who can listen and provide advice and perspective... people who can commiserate and pump us back up... people who can share experiences and stories.

What we haven't found are people who will protect us from the inevitable landmines, who will pull us through the organization, who will give us the challenging and visible roles, and who will set us up to be seen as a leader. People who will push us to the senior leadership positions.

And this is hurting us. It's especially important when times are uncertain - we need people to guide us through the company's challenges.

As a mother of girls, I am worried about how to help them learn to find the people they need to pull them into leadership roles.  Yes it is important to find a good support group of mentors - but that is easier and more natural for us. It is harder and requires more guidance to find the person/people to sponsor us in the company.

Changing the world

I just watched Madeleine Albright talking on TED about being a woman and a diplomat. She was a delight to watch and her humor, humility, and power were inspiring. Madeleine Albright speaks about being a woman and a diplomat

Definitely worth a watch.

I loved her 7 year old granddaughter asking what the big deal was since "only girls are secretaries of state"... so telling and yet what a goal really.

The stories of what she accomplished and how she did it were amazing. An education for those of us who don't stay in touch with politics. She was able to change the world.

Her call to have more women represented in politics and in business was pragmatic and hopeful - because we are better able to but ourselves in the other persons shoes, because we will attempt a deeper understanding, and because we can change the tone and goals of the conversation.

We need to have more women at the table. We need to build momentum. And most importantly we need to support each other.

trusting my intuition - and making the call

Last week I had an awkward sales call. I thought we were getting to know each other - "let's talk and decide if we want to work together". So I was prepared to have a deeper conversation about their problems, our philosophy, potential solutions, and how we might structure our work. I left feeling completely ambushed.

As I sat in the parking lot, dazed and confused, I thought about what happened. I didn't have the level of interaction and connection that I have come to expect. I didn't get any positive signals. A few things seemed really strange...

1. The guys I met with continued to stress how complex their change was... I thought OK so this is a relatively big change - restructuring, layoffs, and new roles. But in the big scheme of things?... not so complicated. I wondered - how come he thinks this is so complex?
2. They were concerned about our capacity and scale - how would we be able to ramp up, what happens if they don't like someone on the team... It seemed that he didn't get our approach at all. that we don't build a small empire and that we push the work back onto the managers to lead the change. that having a gigantic team of consultants is not going to change behaviors. They just kept pushing on how we would scale up and make sure people were available
3. They wanted industry experience...considering I had worked at their company for 8 months, I wasn't sure what this was all about. especially considering our variety of industries and depth of expertise. seemed really weird that they kept asking about this.

It seemed that they were looking for reasons to not hire us.

Today I found out that they selected a big-4 consulting firm to help them. All the pieces now fit together. Typical MO... this change is really big and complicated, you need a really big team, and you need a gigantic bench of resources in case it gets even bigger and more complicated. And we have deep industry experts who can provide deep industry expertise.

What I learned - hard, hard lessons.

• Why didn't I ask if they were looking at other consulting firms? - I could have easily turned the conversation around...
• Why didn't I stop the meeting and say that this was not what I expected? - I could have dug to find out what was really going on...
• Why didn't I do one more conversation prior to flying there to confirm expectations for the meeting? - if they met with the other firm and had different priorities I could have prepared...
• Why didn't I get skeptical when the main guy wasn't able to meet with us? - I could have rescheduled, or at least figured out what was going on...
• Why did I accept the meeting getting cut short because they were late?

Because I had worked there before, I had a direct referral, and our phone conversation went well... I trusted that the next step would be continuing to build the relationship. I haven't been side swiped by another firm before. I let my guard down, didn't read the signals, didn't take action when it was obviously needed, and lost the opportunity.

So what a great learning as I develop my sales acumen. But what a crappy way to have to learn these lessons. Hopefully I got it and don't have to learn this again.

work life balance - an alternative view

Last week I got an email from a colleague who was looking for thoughts on work life balance from a diverse group of women. She was preparing for a presentation to a large group of women managers.
I have to start by saying this is one of those topics that ticks me off. Why is it always on the agenda for women but never on the agenda for men? Every time I am asked "how do you balance it all?" it makes me irritated.

Here is the response I sent her...

First - I don't believe there is ever a perfect balance. We tend to think that every day should be a pie with equal percentages divided up between work, kids, self, spouse,... etc. I think this is what causes us to be crazy.

My philosophy is that I want to be passionate about what I do and want to be present for it regardless of what it is - this means when I am with my kids I am WITH them, same for work, same for Dave (although truly this is the hardest one). When I leave to fly to boston I ask myself - is this worth leaving my family for? and if the answer is ever NO then I will stop. But right now it brings me such joy and a sense of accomplishment that I know it is the right thing to do. 

I also promise myself 6 weeks of "vacation" during the summer. This is what we all look forward to - it justifies the insane hours and travel, it makes the guilt worth it. And during that time I really limit the work, email, etc. Which is really the challenge because I do love what I do and it is hard to feel disconnected from that. But so far every year has been great. It is a low key summer like I had when I was a kid - no pressure but just time together to enjoy each other.

I also schedule time on my calendar each week for "gym" - every tuesday and thursday, if I am home, I will be at a gym class at lunch time. If I travel I go to the gym every morning - 5:30am most days (eek). I call my girls at 7am and 5:30pm every day. I call my husband at 9pm every night. The team knows this and if I have to slip out at 5 for a quick call with the girls they are fine with it (even when I get lots of teasing afterwards).

The worst is when I have a flight canceled or delayed and don't get home when expected (which has happened a lot this winter). I think I get more upset than the family. I remember having a complete melt down in chicago last year crying at the info desk when they said I had to stay overnight. OK that was embarrassing but I really wanted to get home and be there in the morning. So that is hard. Not sure Dave would have the same reaction.

I also have learned to let go of a lot of stuff I would prefer to own. Like what the girls wear to school, whether their hair is even combed, what they eat for lunch/snacks, how clean the house is (how clean the laundry is)... I really enjoy having things neat and organized, I love when I can help pick out clothes and do hair in the morning, I like packing a great healthy and interesting lunch for the girls, I wish I had more time to do creative and learning projects every day after school... but I also know that it is OK when I don't do these things and that everyone and everything is OK.

I try to remember that I am a role model for my girls and that seeing a strong, powerful, and passionate mom who is rewarded and happy because she gets to use her brain is an incredible opportunity for my daughters. I never say "I wish I could stay home but I have to work" - I always acknowledge that while staying home would be fun, I also have really exciting stuff that I get to do at work and I will tell them all about it when I get back home. Fortunately at Montessori they call everything they do "work" so I can ask about their work too.

I wish that all women can find ways to enjoy the different aspects of their lives, be present to each moment, and feel confident that they are doing the best they can. I think that taking control of our lives and knowing that ultimately we make the decision on what it looks like is the key to making this work. 

How women network

I've been thinking back on what I have learned about networking over the past 4 years. I find it astounding at how little I knew about really networking. Of course I had read books and articles about why and how but I didn't get it. What a wild ride!

The first major learning...

1. Networking is not about attending events
2. It doesn't matter how many cards you hand out
3. If your message isn't from the heart and compelling - no one cares what you do
4. Less talking about me... more listening about them

I remember making a resolution to go to at least one networking event a week. I researched and registered, I showed up and handed out cards, I listened to the speaker/panel/etc, and then I went home and checked off the "networking" box. After too much time, energy, and money I realized this was really not working. It felt uncomfortable, I didn't know what to talk about, I wasn't making connections, and it wasn't going anywhere. A new strategy was called for.

My next learning...

1. Most women want to build relationships - and these may lead to introductions, referrals, or business deals
2. Most men like this too
3. Making connections takes time and effort
4. Helping other people is easier than selling yourself

I started finding events I enjoyed attending and topics I wanted to learn more about. I watched a few people who are exceptional networkers. I thought about where my target referral sources might be and went there. I started helping other people make connections. It actually became fun! Meeting someone new became more about getting to know them, finding out how I could help them, staying in touch, and letting the relationship unfold.

Where I am now...

1. I am getting much better at creating connections with the people I meet... and I like that
2. I am creating an environment that supports the way women network - launching Women on the Move was new and challenging but watching the way the group connects creates so much positive energy
3. I am seeing more opportunities to help others because of the connections I have developed over the years
4. And best of all, I am getting great referrals from people I have gotten to know
5. I'm still trying to figure out how to stay in touch with people - now that I have so many relationships it is hard for me to maintain them

I've seen successes that reinforce these learnings. Several years ago I met another consulting business owner for coffee. We talked about ways we might collaborate but nothing had come of it. We stayed in touch and late last year he referred me into what became one of my largest clients. My former boss has called me several times to work on his projects. Another former boss has referred me to one of his clients.

Last week I met a woman who is launching her coaching business. As we talked it came up that one of her clients was looking for PE connections in Atlanta. I was able to pull a very influential name out and make an introduction. I felt really good about this and I'm sure it has helped her.

I believe that letting go of the "selling" mentality and moving toward a "relationship" mentality has been the biggest change for me. I've seen this change in how I network, but also in how I work with my clients. Less worrying about how to sell more work, and more worrying about how to help them solve problems (either with me or without me).

Perhaps this is how women network. But it is easier for us to do it this way and it seems to work.

why I hate traveling

Today I got a vm from delta saying my flight was cancelled. They automatically rescheduled me on another flight. I'm assuming this is weather related. Which is strange because now I am on a flight that arrives exactly when the storm is supposed to hit Atlanta.

I started thinking about my travel so far this year...

Last week I got to my hotel late at night only to find that my room was 30 degrees and the heat was broken. The next night I found that my remote control was broken and I missed the first 10 minutes of Bones. Then there was a fiasco as I scrambled to get out of boston a day early before the blizzard hit. I got on an early flight, drove through a massive snow storm at 15 mph to the airport, finally got on a plane, sat on the tarmac for 2 hours before taking off. I sat in the middle seat next to a very angry man who was yelling at the flight attendant about how Delta sucks. Awkward.

The week before my flight to boston was cancelled and they rebooked me on a flight the NEXT DAY. Fortunately after several phone calls I was able to get on an early flight. Of course this meant I needed to completely rearrange my day and missed seeing my kids at all. When I arrived in boston, the Hertz computer system was down. So I waited in line for over an hour with a mob of angry people and hostile employees yelling "it's not my fault!" I realized as I drove to my hotel that my wipers were trashed and I couldn't clear my window. Too bad since it snowed the whole week. I'm sure I ran several people off the road and it is a miracle I survived.

The week before that I lost my keys somewhere between dropping my car at park-n-fly and returning back there. I dug up the tiny spare car key in my wallet (yippee) so managed to get home but had to wake everyone up to let me in to the house. Oddly I found the keys in my suitcase the next morning.

This is just the logistical part of the hassle. Then there is the stuff we have adjusted to but I am convinced makes me stressed out and worn out week after week.

The security lines, the mean and nasty TSA people, the undressing, the NO WATER rule (!), trying to fit all my liquids in 1 baggie...

The unhelpful and rude airline employees, the angry passengers, the seats that are so close together that I can't open my computer, the people yelling on their cell phones, the stinky toilets...

The road crews that close interstate exits at random and the detour signs through downtown boston that make no sense, a stupid GPS that tries to put me back on the closed exit ramp, drivers who get angry that I'm lost...

The stupid snow that has to be swept off the car, the flimsy brushes in my rental car that break if you sweep too hard...

And it is only february. Looking forward to seeing how the rest of the year goes.

my rental car in the parking lot after work

Egypt and Change Management Principles

I’ve been thinking about the events we are watching unfold in Egypt… the protests, the ideology, the violence, and the leadership gap.

And I’ve been wondering what we can we learn from this as it relates to change management. Specifically how this situation dramatically highlights the consequences of not managing change. What happens if we apply the basic rules of change management and consider what went wrong, the consequences, and what is going to happen next.

These are my initial observations and I will continue to comment on this as things progress.

• It looks like there is a clear and compelling problem driving change in Egypt. What we are seeing is a wake up call to the President Mubarak and the world. What’s strange is that while this seems pretty obvious to me (and probably the rest of the world), President Mubarak appears to be in denial and continues to stick to his guns. Literally.
• It looks like President Mubarak has surrounded himself with “yes men” who don’t appear to have provided him with a real understanding of what has been going on in his country. Until the protests, I wonder how much objective and unfiltered information he was getting about the unrest bubbling in his country. And if he did get this information—why didn’t he do anything about it? If no one was holding him accountable and telling him implications of his actions—why would he feel a sense of urgency to change?
• Which leads me to wonder who is really in charge? When people are confused, angry, frustrated, they look to people they trust to understand how to interpret and react to what is going on. Egypt’s politicians have isolated themselves, cut off communications, and used violence to try to suppress the unrest. So they have not really established themselves as credible leaders. Citizens look for guidance and right now it looks like the guy with the megaphone is in charge.
•  I am sadly watching as the country loses an opportunity to define a new vision of the future. No one – the politicians, president, or protesters – has clearly articulated the desired end state. Right now the protests and the reactions are fueled by anger and frustration. But when this calms down, something more substantial will be required to keep the country focused on creating a new future.
• And even if the leaders and influencers of each group had gotten together to create the picture of the future, they haven’t put any thought into what it will take to get there. Even a high level idea of what happens after the “big event” would be extremely helpful in engaging the country and the world.

So in a nutshell, we have a leader who has isolated himself, surrounded himself with people afraid to tell him any bad news. We have a change being forced upon the country and a leader in denial. We have leaders in reactionary mode dealing with the crisis in old ways—with no way to get real information that could influence what they do. We have a lack of credible leaders to communicate in meaningful ways. We have frustrated, confused, and angry people who have no access to real information. We have no real vision for the future, no way to engage and motivate people, no plan to move forward.

Interestingly, I wonder if this situation could ultimately be a metaphor for some of the changes we see in our own companies. On the most extreme end of the continuum, what can we expect to happen if we don’t proactively manage our own changes? Some of my observations…

1. Without the context—why we must change, where we are going, and how we will get there—people will all be running in different directions, lots of confusion and frustration, and resulting chaos in the organization.
2. Without leaders committed to the change story—a loss of credibility, inability to get people to change behaviors, no one motivating people to make the changes required. Things slow down.
3.  Without regular access to unfiltered and objective information—leaders react to ad hoc situations, unrest and resistance bubbles up and is not addressed until it becomes a huge problem
4. Without credible and established leaders and influencers at every level—people don’t know where to get information, how to interpret what is going on, they get worried and distracted, performance drops, and current business loses focus

Ultimately, leaders hear the concerns only when they are out of control, everyone retrenches to focus on getting the business back on track, leaders send in the guns to take care of the resistance while the outside drivers continue to take over, and the company implodes.

How will Egypt going get out of the situation they are in? I am interested in watching what happens and applying change management lenses in different ways. I will continue to comment on what I am observing and I welcome insights from readers.

The fairer sex??

I've read about women being the kinder, gentler gender - and I've read the rebuttals. Nature vs. nurture...

This weekend Katie Paige and Amelia were in their first "dance performance". They had been rehearsing day after day and were hysterically excited about the big event.

The end of the performance included a quick line up of girls where one at a time they would bow and run off the stage. Amelia had been second in line during the practices. But apparently there was some confusion in the heat of the moment and another little girl grabbed the second spot. And Amelia did what you might expect... she gave Audrey a big shove. And Audrey shoved her back. So there was my girl, center stage, having a smack down with her dance mate. In front of all the parents. I was so proud...

I remember having moments of rage as a child. When I didn't get my way or when things were so obviously unfair.

I believe the idea that gender somehow makes us kinder and fairer is fantasy. We might be taught to contain it or to direct it in different ways (emotional tormenting?) but the competition, mean streak, and anger when things aren't fair or right is still there.

the luxury of ignorance

Last week I was invited to a meeting to provide my "expert opinion." So I showed up not knowing anything - I didn't even know what the meeting was about. As I sat there listening to the group, I realized that I didn't have a clue what they were talking about.

"business transformation" 

"functional initiatives" 

"global optimization" 

"outsourcing"

"milestones" 

"buy in and adoption"

I finally interjected and said - I don't have a clue what you are talking about. They all sort of looked around for someone to explain it to me and realized that they didn't really know either. They had been so used to using these words that they couldn't explain simply what they were doing. We had a great conversation as they all tried to explain it to me in their own words. We also opened up some real misunderstandings and areas needing further discussion.

Being the new person in the room allows you to ask the "dumb" questions. The luxury of ignorance.

But what if we were prepared to own it we were confused? I have been afraid to ask the questions sometimes because it looked like everyone else knew what was going on and I didn't want to slow it down, or assumed I would be able to pick it up later, or thought I should already know this stuff.

It takes courage to ask questions or to say that you don't know something.

Last week Rod Odom, President of BellSouth, gave a great presentation on lessons he learned as a leader. He told a story from college which reminded me of this topic. He sat in a class for a week and didn't understand a thing the professor was talking about. He was about to drop the class when one of the other students stood up and told the professor that he couldn't follow any of the lectures. It turns out this class had been mislabeled in the curriculum as level 1 but was actually part 3 of a series. The professor restructured the class and Rod said it was the best class he ever took. I think about the courage it took for that one student to stand up. And the huge benefits the rest of the class (and the professor) got from it.

What a great learning.

sexual harassment - have we come a long way?

Today I had an interesting lunch conversation with a woman who has been sexually harassed recently. She is going through the process of talking to her boss and to HR and making sure that everything is recorded.

I remembered how I dealt with an experience similar to this - can it be 25 years ago? I was so surprised and confused that I didn't know how to react. In what became a pattern in dealing with uncomfortable situations, I ran away. I did my best to avoid him at work and soon after I left the company to work somewhere else.

Being put in this situation is really uncomfortable and worse, really unexpected. We don't know how to react because we are surprised and we don't have experience with this.

We are taught to be nice, to make sure no one feels bad, to avoid conflict. We giggle and joke around and hope that they will know that we really don't like it. And when it gets really bad we don't know what to do.

I ran away and ignored it.
My friend escalated and had HR confront it.

In both cases, we are avoiding something that we should be skilled and prepared to do... recognize when we are uncomfortable, call it what it is, and be clear in communicating that it is inappropriate. We should know how to do this quickly, directly, and in a way that allows the other person to save face so we can keep the relationship intact.

I know that there are egregious examples of harassment that should be taken to HR. AND I think many cases can be addressed with a calm and firm "dude, that is out of line. let's not let do that again". Without giggling or joking or sending mixed signals. But not making a big deal out of it either. I wish that I had the skills to do this when I had that horrible, awkward experience. And I sure hope that I have the presence and courage to do it if I face something like it again.

To make this work we have to learn to better listen to what we are feeling and communicate in a way that is respected. We need to be stronger and take things into our own hands. And we need to be doing it all the time.

Why is it so hard to let it go?

I was thinking about something I notice women leaders doing that I don't really see so much with men... and I think this is a big problem.

We were in an all day workshop with the executive team to clear up the reason for doing this project. Everyone in the room had a lot to say, there was lots of heated debate and conversation.

Eventually the group got down to debating what "the project" really is. Finally, after everyone had a chance to put their opinions on the table (at least once and for most people many more times), the CEO stepped in and made a decision. THIS IS WHAT THE PROJECT IS. He stood up and wrote it on the board.

Then we moved on.

Immediately after the meeting, I debriefed with the project manager. She said she was going to talk to him again because she doesn't agree and thinks he doesn't get it...

YIKES

This is where I think women have got to learn to let go and stop taking it so personally. I know that it is hard when we are so passionate about our position. I know it looks like we are giving up. I know we think we can convince him to change his mind...

Here is what I would ask you to consider. If you let go of your opinion now that the decision is made and fully support the decision, what are the possible outcomes?

• If the decision fails, the CEO will remember that you had a different opinion and that you still supported him. You will look good and will have earned the credibility to be listened to next time.
• If the decision succeeds, the CEO will remember that you had a different opinion and you supported the decision anyway. You will look good and will have earned some points.

If you continue to pursue your opinion, what are the possible outcomes?

• You will annoy the CEO and will send the message that he is being stupid - obviously not where you want to be.
• If this decision succeeds, the CEO will remember that you continued to pester him and you will have lost significant credibility.
• If it fails? the CEO doesn't need to have someone gloating and will probably not bring you around to fix it.

It is really important to let go and really support the decision that is made. If this means going to the CEO and explicitly saying "you know I have some concerns with the decision but I am trusting your decision and will fully support it" then go do it. But you need to really support it.

Trusting your instincts

My husband and I were talking about a friend who told us she was getting ready to have the "BRT" (big relationship talk) with her boyfriend. Remember those agonizing conversations?

• Where is this relationship going?
• What does this mean to you?
• Is this important or not?

Typically it ended in tears, frustration, or a big break-up.

Because we know the answer before we have the talk. If the answers to these questions aren't obvious by how we are being treated, and how we feel, then no big talk is going to clear it up. Words versus actions.

How many times do we put ourselves at a disadvantage and in a weak position because we ignore what is right in front of us???

I believe that women (in business as well as in personal relationships) have a good idea of the answers but we are trained to ignore the signals because our instincts/feelings are too soft.

• We don't trust what our body and heart are telling us and we try to focus on the data without using this soft stuff as great input.
• We get too tied up in our emotions to step away from a crappy situation. "we can make it better!"
• We want to make it right and make the other person like us so we keep trying and trying instead of moving on.

How do we read the signals? What do we do with this information?

• Step outside yourself and observe the behaviors of the other person. 
• Compare this to how others are being treated. Think about how you expect to be treated. Is you boss cutting you off in meetings? Are your peers leaving you out of meetings? Does your boyfriend ignore your requests? The data is there. By ignoring it, you are weakening yourself.
• Assume you have the information you need and look at options for change. 
• Is there a move you could make to another team? Could you move to another project? A new job? A new boyfriend? Recognizing the situation and taking responsibility should our default. 
• Discuss options and observations rationally. 
• Observe the reaction. If the suggestion to make a lateral move (or find a new boyfriend) is met with head nodding - you have the answer. They key is to present it in a logical/unemotional way with real options that the other person can help you with. 
• Map out the best way forward and do it. 
• Remember you can be much happier and more successful in a supportive environment.

I hope that I can help my girls make appropriate observations, read the signals around them, trust their heart and instincts, and take responsibility for their situation. I hope they can keep their power. I want them to avoid the weak and victim mentality that I see so many girls and women falling into.

Why we have too few women leaders

I loved this video by the  COO of Facebook, Sheryl Sandberg, on why we have too few women leaders. Her points really hit home for me. It is realistic, non-judgemental, and offers hope.

• Sit at the table: literally. We can't be influencers if we are sitting by the wall.
• Don't leave before you leave: push yourself hard up until the day you leave for maternity. We tend to "make space" for the potential baby and slow our career down before we need to.
• I especially liked the true partnership advise. She sites stats that say marriages that are true partnerships are 50% more likely to succeed. And be more "intimate". I love this. Perhaps it will influence some behavior changes around here!

I hope you enjoy this too. She is fun to watch and listen to.

http://blogs.wsj.com/juggle/2011/01/04/facebooks-sheryl-sandberg-why-few-women-lead/#

Communication tips to help you get the respect you deserve

We are planning our next executive women's networking event. We will explore how to communicate and build relationships to achieve greater respect.

As always, the timing is perfect. This week I was shown that this is something I need to continue to work on. sigh... another learning opportunity.

As part of our planning, we shared our personal stories and listed our top 10 tips - based on our research, our experiences, and the stories we have heard. We will continue to refine our list after the event but here is our initial draft. Would love your thoughts, additions, and stories.

In creating this list we found many examples of when we missed the mark and how annoyed we get at others who can't get it right. It seems that we only hurt ourselves - our credibility, our trustworthiness, and our ability to be respected - when we can't get it right.  

1. Clearly communicate what is expected—the job and the working relationship—make sure people really get it
2. Listen, read the signals, and communicate appropriately—able to figure out what is really going on in the organization, in the hierarchy, and in relationships
3. Provide objective, direct feedback in a way that can be heard and is valued—leave people wanting to hear more
4. Always avoid gossiping about people—it is not constructive and shows you can’t be trusted
5. Explain when information is needed to make a decision, when a decision is made, and why that decision was made—especially to people who will not be satisfied with the decision
6. Explain what is going on behind closed doors—why certain people are involved and others are not
7. Keep conversations confidential—if in doubt ask but never share a conversation without permission
8. Use conversations to help people solve their own problems, clear obstacles, and listen—don’t jump in with solutions
9. Respect other’s time—schedule time to talk (limit busting in unexpected), give them time to prepare, and keep it on topic
10. Take time to let things work themselves out before jumping in—respond after giving yourself time to calmly assess the situation and always avoid email arguments

Happiness

We are hosting an au-pair from Germany. She has been here 8 months and is unhappy. We have tried to help... many conversations, suggestions, interventions, support, mediations, arguments. I worry that I'm not doing enough to help her make friends, involve her in our community, show her what is available in our town.

Last night I thought about what makes me happy and why. I decided to pull it all together into "points to remember every day."

ice cream makes me happy

1. We are responsible for making ourselves happy - sometimes we need direction and support but no one else can make it happen
2. We need to understand what makes ourselves happy - the small things (sitting alone in a coffee shop and reading a magazine? tickle time?) and the big things (family trips over the summer? vacationing with my sisters?)
3. We should focus on the little things every day and recognize when we are happy - so many moments pass by and we don't even notice - hey this feels good!
4. When we are unhappy we need to figure out what we need to get out of the slump - see a movie, visit with family, learn something new, read a book... otherwise it just gets worse and worse

Ultimately we need to understand ourselves and spend some time knowing who we are.

I worry that we are raising a generation that expects others to take care of them and "make them happy." People who can't figure out what to do to get out of the slump.

I have got to continue to push it back - this is your responsibility, not mine. Tell me what you need and I will try to help. But I can't enable this behavior. It is easy for me to fall into this role and then I get angry and frustrated.

I am going to focus on this at home... and at work. I wonder how I have been enabling others rather than pushing the responsibilities back on them. More observation required...