I've read about women being the kinder, gentler gender - and I've read the rebuttals. Nature vs. nurture...
This weekend Katie Paige and Amelia were in their first "dance performance". They had been rehearsing day after day and were hysterically excited about the big event.
The end of the performance included a quick line up of girls where one at a time they would bow and run off the stage. Amelia had been second in line during the practices. But apparently there was some confusion in the heat of the moment and another little girl grabbed the second spot. And Amelia did what you might expect... she gave Audrey a big shove. And Audrey shoved her back. So there was my girl, center stage, having a smack down with her dance mate. In front of all the parents. I was so proud...
I remember having moments of rage as a child. When I didn't get my way or when things were so obviously unfair.
I believe the idea that gender somehow makes us kinder and fairer is fantasy. We might be taught to contain it or to direct it in different ways (emotional tormenting?) but the competition, mean streak, and anger when things aren't fair or right is still there.
January 31, 2011
January 26, 2011
the luxury of ignorance
Last week I was invited to a meeting to provide my "expert opinion." So I showed up not knowing anything - I didn't even know what the meeting was about. As I sat there listening to the group, I realized that I didn't have a clue what they were talking about.
Being the new person in the room allows you to ask the "dumb" questions. The luxury of ignorance.
But what if we were prepared to own it we were confused? I have been afraid to ask the questions sometimes because it looked like everyone else knew what was going on and I didn't want to slow it down, or assumed I would be able to pick it up later, or thought I should already know this stuff.
It takes courage to ask questions or to say that you don't know something.
Last week Rod Odom, President of BellSouth, gave a great presentation on lessons he learned as a leader. He told a story from college which reminded me of this topic. He sat in a class for a week and didn't understand a thing the professor was talking about. He was about to drop the class when one of the other students stood up and told the professor that he couldn't follow any of the lectures. It turns out this class had been mislabeled in the curriculum as level 1 but was actually part 3 of a series. The professor restructured the class and Rod said it was the best class he ever took. I think about the courage it took for that one student to stand up. And the huge benefits the rest of the class (and the professor) got from it.
What a great learning.
"business transformation"
"functional initiatives"
"global optimization"
"outsourcing"
"milestones"
"buy in and adoption"I finally interjected and said - I don't have a clue what you are talking about. They all sort of looked around for someone to explain it to me and realized that they didn't really know either. They had been so used to using these words that they couldn't explain simply what they were doing. We had a great conversation as they all tried to explain it to me in their own words. We also opened up some real misunderstandings and areas needing further discussion.
Being the new person in the room allows you to ask the "dumb" questions. The luxury of ignorance.
But what if we were prepared to own it we were confused? I have been afraid to ask the questions sometimes because it looked like everyone else knew what was going on and I didn't want to slow it down, or assumed I would be able to pick it up later, or thought I should already know this stuff.
It takes courage to ask questions or to say that you don't know something.
Last week Rod Odom, President of BellSouth, gave a great presentation on lessons he learned as a leader. He told a story from college which reminded me of this topic. He sat in a class for a week and didn't understand a thing the professor was talking about. He was about to drop the class when one of the other students stood up and told the professor that he couldn't follow any of the lectures. It turns out this class had been mislabeled in the curriculum as level 1 but was actually part 3 of a series. The professor restructured the class and Rod said it was the best class he ever took. I think about the courage it took for that one student to stand up. And the huge benefits the rest of the class (and the professor) got from it.
What a great learning.
January 24, 2011
sexual harassment - have we come a long way?
Today I had an interesting lunch conversation with a woman who has been sexually harassed recently. She is going through the process of talking to her boss and to HR and making sure that everything is recorded.
I remembered how I dealt with an experience similar to this - can it be 25 years ago? I was so surprised and confused that I didn't know how to react. In what became a pattern in dealing with uncomfortable situations, I ran away. I did my best to avoid him at work and soon after I left the company to work somewhere else.
Being put in this situation is really uncomfortable and worse, really unexpected. We don't know how to react because we are surprised and we don't have experience with this.
We are taught to be nice, to make sure no one feels bad, to avoid conflict. We giggle and joke around and hope that they will know that we really don't like it. And when it gets really bad we don't know what to do.
I ran away and ignored it.
My friend escalated and had HR confront it.
In both cases, we are avoiding something that we should be skilled and prepared to do... recognize when we are uncomfortable, call it what it is, and be clear in communicating that it is inappropriate. We should know how to do this quickly, directly, and in a way that allows the other person to save face so we can keep the relationship intact.
I know that there are egregious examples of harassment that should be taken to HR. AND I think many cases can be addressed with a calm and firm "dude, that is out of line. let's not let do that again". Without giggling or joking or sending mixed signals. But not making a big deal out of it either. I wish that I had the skills to do this when I had that horrible, awkward experience. And I sure hope that I have the presence and courage to do it if I face something like it again.
To make this work we have to learn to better listen to what we are feeling and communicate in a way that is respected. We need to be stronger and take things into our own hands. And we need to be doing it all the time.
I remembered how I dealt with an experience similar to this - can it be 25 years ago? I was so surprised and confused that I didn't know how to react. In what became a pattern in dealing with uncomfortable situations, I ran away. I did my best to avoid him at work and soon after I left the company to work somewhere else.
Being put in this situation is really uncomfortable and worse, really unexpected. We don't know how to react because we are surprised and we don't have experience with this.
We are taught to be nice, to make sure no one feels bad, to avoid conflict. We giggle and joke around and hope that they will know that we really don't like it. And when it gets really bad we don't know what to do.
I ran away and ignored it.
My friend escalated and had HR confront it.
In both cases, we are avoiding something that we should be skilled and prepared to do... recognize when we are uncomfortable, call it what it is, and be clear in communicating that it is inappropriate. We should know how to do this quickly, directly, and in a way that allows the other person to save face so we can keep the relationship intact.
I know that there are egregious examples of harassment that should be taken to HR. AND I think many cases can be addressed with a calm and firm "dude, that is out of line. let's not let do that again". Without giggling or joking or sending mixed signals. But not making a big deal out of it either. I wish that I had the skills to do this when I had that horrible, awkward experience. And I sure hope that I have the presence and courage to do it if I face something like it again.
To make this work we have to learn to better listen to what we are feeling and communicate in a way that is respected. We need to be stronger and take things into our own hands. And we need to be doing it all the time.
January 18, 2011
Why is it so hard to let it go?
I was thinking about something I notice women leaders doing that I don't really see so much with men... and I think this is a big problem.
We were in an all day workshop with the executive team to clear up the reason for doing this project. Everyone in the room had a lot to say, there was lots of heated debate and conversation.
Eventually the group got down to debating what "the project" really is. Finally, after everyone had a chance to put their opinions on the table (at least once and for most people many more times), the CEO stepped in and made a decision. THIS IS WHAT THE PROJECT IS. He stood up and wrote it on the board.
Then we moved on.
Immediately after the meeting, I debriefed with the project manager. She said she was going to talk to him again because she doesn't agree and thinks he doesn't get it...
YIKES
This is where I think women have got to learn to let go and stop taking it so personally. I know that it is hard when we are so passionate about our position. I know it looks like we are giving up. I know we think we can convince him to change his mind...
Here is what I would ask you to consider. If you let go of your opinion now that the decision is made and fully support the decision, what are the possible outcomes?
If you continue to pursue your opinion, what are the possible outcomes?
It is really important to let go and really support the decision that is made. If this means going to the CEO and explicitly saying "you know I have some concerns with the decision but I am trusting your decision and will fully support it" then go do it. But you need to really support it.
We were in an all day workshop with the executive team to clear up the reason for doing this project. Everyone in the room had a lot to say, there was lots of heated debate and conversation.
Eventually the group got down to debating what "the project" really is. Finally, after everyone had a chance to put their opinions on the table (at least once and for most people many more times), the CEO stepped in and made a decision. THIS IS WHAT THE PROJECT IS. He stood up and wrote it on the board.
Then we moved on.
Immediately after the meeting, I debriefed with the project manager. She said she was going to talk to him again because she doesn't agree and thinks he doesn't get it...
YIKES
This is where I think women have got to learn to let go and stop taking it so personally. I know that it is hard when we are so passionate about our position. I know it looks like we are giving up. I know we think we can convince him to change his mind...
Here is what I would ask you to consider. If you let go of your opinion now that the decision is made and fully support the decision, what are the possible outcomes?
- If the decision fails, the CEO will remember that you had a different opinion and that you still supported him. You will look good and will have earned the credibility to be listened to next time.
- If the decision succeeds, the CEO will remember that you had a different opinion and you supported the decision anyway. You will look good and will have earned some points.
If you continue to pursue your opinion, what are the possible outcomes?
- You will annoy the CEO and will send the message that he is being stupid - obviously not where you want to be.
- If this decision succeeds, the CEO will remember that you continued to pester him and you will have lost significant credibility.
- If it fails? the CEO doesn't need to have someone gloating and will probably not bring you around to fix it.
It is really important to let go and really support the decision that is made. If this means going to the CEO and explicitly saying "you know I have some concerns with the decision but I am trusting your decision and will fully support it" then go do it. But you need to really support it.
January 11, 2011
Trusting your instincts
My husband and I were talking about a friend who told us she was getting ready to have the "BRT" (big relationship talk) with her boyfriend. Remember those agonizing conversations?
Because we know the answer before we have the talk. If the answers to these questions aren't obvious by how we are being treated, and how we feel, then no big talk is going to clear it up. Words versus actions.
How many times do we put ourselves at a disadvantage and in a weak position because we ignore what is right in front of us???
I believe that women (in business as well as in personal relationships) have a good idea of the answers but we are trained to ignore the signals because our instincts/feelings are too soft.
How do we read the signals? What do we do with this information?
- Where is this relationship going?
- What does this mean to you?
- Is this important or not?
Because we know the answer before we have the talk. If the answers to these questions aren't obvious by how we are being treated, and how we feel, then no big talk is going to clear it up. Words versus actions.
How many times do we put ourselves at a disadvantage and in a weak position because we ignore what is right in front of us???
I believe that women (in business as well as in personal relationships) have a good idea of the answers but we are trained to ignore the signals because our instincts/feelings are too soft.
- We don't trust what our body and heart are telling us and we try to focus on the data without using this soft stuff as great input.
- We get too tied up in our emotions to step away from a crappy situation. "we can make it better!"
- We want to make it right and make the other person like us so we keep trying and trying instead of moving on.
How do we read the signals? What do we do with this information?
- Step outside yourself and observe the behaviors of the other person.
- Compare this to how others are being treated. Think about how you expect to be treated. Is you boss cutting you off in meetings? Are your peers leaving you out of meetings? Does your boyfriend ignore your requests? The data is there. By ignoring it, you are weakening yourself.
- Assume you have the information you need and look at options for change.
- Is there a move you could make to another team? Could you move to another project? A new job? A new boyfriend? Recognizing the situation and taking responsibility should our default.
- Discuss options and observations rationally.
- Observe the reaction. If the suggestion to make a lateral move (or find a new boyfriend) is met with head nodding - you have the answer. They key is to present it in a logical/unemotional way with real options that the other person can help you with.
- Map out the best way forward and do it.
- Remember you can be much happier and more successful in a supportive environment.
I hope that I can help my girls make appropriate observations, read the signals around them, trust their heart and instincts, and take responsibility for their situation. I hope they can keep their power. I want them to avoid the weak and victim mentality that I see so many girls and women falling into.
January 7, 2011
Why we have too few women leaders
I loved this video by the COO of Facebook, Sheryl Sandberg, on why we have too few women leaders. Her points really hit home for me. It is realistic, non-judgemental, and offers hope.
- Sit at the table: literally. We can't be influencers if we are sitting by the wall.
- Don't leave before you leave: push yourself hard up until the day you leave for maternity. We tend to "make space" for the potential baby and slow our career down before we need to.
- I especially liked the true partnership advise. She sites stats that say marriages that are true partnerships are 50% more likely to succeed. And be more "intimate". I love this. Perhaps it will influence some behavior changes around here!
I hope you enjoy this too. She is fun to watch and listen to.
January 6, 2011
Communication tips to help you get the respect you deserve
We are planning our next executive women's networking event. We will explore how to communicate and build relationships to achieve greater respect.
As always, the timing is perfect. This week I was shown that this is something I need to continue to work on. sigh... another learning opportunity.
As part of our planning, we shared our personal stories and listed our top 10 tips - based on our research, our experiences, and the stories we have heard. We will continue to refine our list after the event but here is our initial draft. Would love your thoughts, additions, and stories.
In creating this list we found many examples of when we missed the mark and how annoyed we get at others who can't get it right. It seems that we only hurt ourselves - our credibility, our trustworthiness, and our ability to be respected - when we can't get it right.
As always, the timing is perfect. This week I was shown that this is something I need to continue to work on. sigh... another learning opportunity.
As part of our planning, we shared our personal stories and listed our top 10 tips - based on our research, our experiences, and the stories we have heard. We will continue to refine our list after the event but here is our initial draft. Would love your thoughts, additions, and stories.
- Clearly communicate what is expected—the job and the working relationship—make sure people really get it
- Listen, read the signals, and communicate appropriately—able to figure out what is really going on in the organization, in the hierarchy, and in relationships
- Provide objective, direct feedback in a way that can be heard and is valued—leave people wanting to hear more
- Always avoid gossiping about people—it is not constructive and shows you can’t be trusted
- Explain when information is needed to make a decision, when a decision is made, and why that decision was made—especially to people who will not be satisfied with the decision
- Explain what is going on behind closed doors—why certain people are involved and others are not
- Keep conversations confidential—if in doubt ask but never share a conversation without permission
- Use conversations to help people solve their own problems, clear obstacles, and listen—don’t jump in with solutions
- Respect other’s time—schedule time to talk (limit busting in unexpected), give them time to prepare, and keep it on topic
- Take time to let things work themselves out before jumping in—respond after giving yourself time to calmly assess the situation and always avoid email arguments
January 4, 2011
Happiness
We are hosting an au-pair from Germany. She has been here 8 months and is unhappy. We have tried to help... many conversations, suggestions, interventions, support, mediations, arguments. I worry that I'm not doing enough to help her make friends, involve her in our community, show her what is available in our town.
Last night I thought about what makes me happy and why. I decided to pull it all together into "points to remember every day."
Ultimately we need to understand ourselves and spend some time knowing who we are.
I worry that we are raising a generation that expects others to take care of them and "make them happy." People who can't figure out what to do to get out of the slump.
I have got to continue to push it back - this is your responsibility, not mine. Tell me what you need and I will try to help. But I can't enable this behavior. It is easy for me to fall into this role and then I get angry and frustrated.
I am going to focus on this at home... and at work. I wonder how I have been enabling others rather than pushing the responsibilities back on them. More observation required...
Last night I thought about what makes me happy and why. I decided to pull it all together into "points to remember every day."
 |
| ice cream makes me happy |
- We are responsible for making ourselves happy - sometimes we need direction and support but no one else can make it happen
- We need to understand what makes ourselves happy - the small things (sitting alone in a coffee shop and reading a magazine? tickle time?) and the big things (family trips over the summer? vacationing with my sisters?)
- We should focus on the little things every day and recognize when we are happy - so many moments pass by and we don't even notice - hey this feels good!
- When we are unhappy we need to figure out what we need to get out of the slump - see a movie, visit with family, learn something new, read a book... otherwise it just gets worse and worse
Ultimately we need to understand ourselves and spend some time knowing who we are.
I worry that we are raising a generation that expects others to take care of them and "make them happy." People who can't figure out what to do to get out of the slump.
I have got to continue to push it back - this is your responsibility, not mine. Tell me what you need and I will try to help. But I can't enable this behavior. It is easy for me to fall into this role and then I get angry and frustrated.
I am going to focus on this at home... and at work. I wonder how I have been enabling others rather than pushing the responsibilities back on them. More observation required...
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