work life balance - an alternative view

Last week I got an email from a colleague who was looking for thoughts on work life balance from a diverse group of women. She was preparing for a presentation to a large group of women managers.
I have to start by saying this is one of those topics that ticks me off. Why is it always on the agenda for women but never on the agenda for men? Every time I am asked "how do you balance it all?" it makes me irritated.

Here is the response I sent her...

First - I don't believe there is ever a perfect balance. We tend to think that every day should be a pie with equal percentages divided up between work, kids, self, spouse,... etc. I think this is what causes us to be crazy.

My philosophy is that I want to be passionate about what I do and want to be present for it regardless of what it is - this means when I am with my kids I am WITH them, same for work, same for Dave (although truly this is the hardest one). When I leave to fly to boston I ask myself - is this worth leaving my family for? and if the answer is ever NO then I will stop. But right now it brings me such joy and a sense of accomplishment that I know it is the right thing to do. 

I also promise myself 6 weeks of "vacation" during the summer. This is what we all look forward to - it justifies the insane hours and travel, it makes the guilt worth it. And during that time I really limit the work, email, etc. Which is really the challenge because I do love what I do and it is hard to feel disconnected from that. But so far every year has been great. It is a low key summer like I had when I was a kid - no pressure but just time together to enjoy each other.

I also schedule time on my calendar each week for "gym" - every tuesday and thursday, if I am home, I will be at a gym class at lunch time. If I travel I go to the gym every morning - 5:30am most days (eek). I call my girls at 7am and 5:30pm every day. I call my husband at 9pm every night. The team knows this and if I have to slip out at 5 for a quick call with the girls they are fine with it (even when I get lots of teasing afterwards).

The worst is when I have a flight canceled or delayed and don't get home when expected (which has happened a lot this winter). I think I get more upset than the family. I remember having a complete melt down in chicago last year crying at the info desk when they said I had to stay overnight. OK that was embarrassing but I really wanted to get home and be there in the morning. So that is hard. Not sure Dave would have the same reaction.

I also have learned to let go of a lot of stuff I would prefer to own. Like what the girls wear to school, whether their hair is even combed, what they eat for lunch/snacks, how clean the house is (how clean the laundry is)... I really enjoy having things neat and organized, I love when I can help pick out clothes and do hair in the morning, I like packing a great healthy and interesting lunch for the girls, I wish I had more time to do creative and learning projects every day after school... but I also know that it is OK when I don't do these things and that everyone and everything is OK.

I try to remember that I am a role model for my girls and that seeing a strong, powerful, and passionate mom who is rewarded and happy because she gets to use her brain is an incredible opportunity for my daughters. I never say "I wish I could stay home but I have to work" - I always acknowledge that while staying home would be fun, I also have really exciting stuff that I get to do at work and I will tell them all about it when I get back home. Fortunately at Montessori they call everything they do "work" so I can ask about their work too.

I wish that all women can find ways to enjoy the different aspects of their lives, be present to each moment, and feel confident that they are doing the best they can. I think that taking control of our lives and knowing that ultimately we make the decision on what it looks like is the key to making this work.